Sex Toys and Money-Shots.
Whether it is a picture of a woman with a corndog in her vagina or a shipment of mass-produced pornography that winds up on your desk, when you work on adult-oriented websites your day rarely has the word “boring” attached to it.
My buddy Sparkly Devil has had a particular toy lurking around her cubicle for over a year now, and since it was first deployed in our office around Pride, it seems fitting it resurfaced now.
Sometimes business and pleasure intermingle, and often the results are hilarious.
And no, this story is NOT going to involve the above-referenced sex toy, so let that go.
I got an e-mail from a member of one of the sites on which I work. Now, since I’ve been a member for over a decade continually, and on and off since its inception about 12 years ago, I’m used to communicating with kinky folks there.
Unusually, this individual wasn’t sleazy, didn’t have a picture of his penis on his profile (don’t get me started) and approached me with a nice e-mail.
We exchanged a few messages and then the curiosity got the better of me. See, he is originally of [REDACTED] extraction but spent many years in Germany, and his very succinct profile was in German. Feeding the text through online translators yielded me clunky results worth of re-posting on a website like Engrish.com, so of course I turned to Twitter.
Where, of course, some people redirected me back to Google Translate and Babel Fish. For future reference, I am a googling motherfucker. If I am asking for help it is either because I have already bloody googled the fuck out of some shit, or I am making some freakish point. Really.
But I digress.
Anyway!
The Lovely & Talented @KateBornstein hooked me up with the delightful @Ullieemigh after several days of my trying to have a native speaker tell me what the hell this dude’s personal ad said.
On a inky site, you never NOW what you are gonna get, so I made it clear to my new online translator friend the source of the text, and hope it wouldn’t offend.
We exchanged email addresses, and I sent her the following:
Howdy!
Thanks for your help….though it may be moot, because he seems to have dropped the ball.
His profile has the following information:
Profile for [REDACTED]About Me:
Ich bin huebsch. Ich bin intelligent. Ich bin nett.
Ich bin dominant veranlagt.
My Ideal Person:
Meine ideale Partnerin sollte wissen (und spueren) welche Rolle sie an der Seite eines Mannes zu haben hat. Auch nachdem sie den maennlichen Orgasmus in ihrem Gesicht empfangen hat, sollte sie immer noch Unschuld, Stolz und Selbsbewusstsein ausstrahlen. Es geht mir viel um diesen finalen Blickwechsel.
Thank you again!
~Mo
And not so long afterwards, she replied back with the following:
Hello, Friend-of-Kate-Mojo-Goddess,
Well, for what it’s worth, here’s his profile:
I’m handsome. I’m intelligent. I’m nice. I’m mostly dominant
My ideal partner should know (and feel) what part she must play towards her man. Even after receiving his cum in her face, she must still glow with innocence, pride and self-esteem. This final exchange of glances is critical to me.
Warmly, Ullie
HOLYMOTHEROFACHICKENFUCKING PERVERT!!
That is a LOT of pressure to put on a bitch!
I can see it now
….a girl, kneeling expectantly, takes the money shot with grace and innocent pride, then glances shyly downward…
“Dammit! where was the self-esteem?!!? and you DIDN’T give me that final glance!! THAT GLANCE IS CRITICAL!! Now we have to start all over again!!”
Ah well…back to the drawing board!
And oh yeah, if you need translation, go to Ulrike’s Site!!
She is a hell of a lot more accurate than some damned translation software and, as you can see, possessed of an excellent sense of humor!
That was a huuuuuuuuge dildo, lol. I can’t believe anyone can use something like that. Looks like it’s the size of my arm.
Reply
Comment by Cheebras — June 19, 2009 @ 4:06 pm
Totally ROTFLMAO!! You’re priceless! THANKS for the endorsement! Hope everyone starts practicing that last look now!
Reply
Comment by Ullie — June 20, 2009 @ 7:56 am
if it dont fit…..
lamesabassman….. dont force it….
Reply
Comment by lamesabassman — June 24, 2009 @ 7:57 am