Bottoming to myself.
Sometimes the smack-down from the Universe is intense.
Within a scant 3 weeks of turning 40 I fell and fucked up my knee and wrist and then found myself in the ER last Friday. Why, you ask?
Angry, angry cysts. Cysts in my ovaries.
I can't tell you how much this fucking hurt. Seriously. I had one that was 3 x 5 cm large.
The female reproductive system is as Byzantine, mysterious and random as the US Tax Codes. More so, even, because at least female reproductive systems actually occasionally work as intended and produce bundles of joy or some shit.
At least this is what I hear from the sleep-deprived zombies I know who masquerade as new parents but are actually automatons in service to the liberated parasitic overlords that are their offspring.
But I digress.
So I had the awesome experience of 10 hour stint in the Kaiser ER, being poked and prodded, having my insides scanned, not once, not twice, but three times a lady, and receiving so much conflicting information that I was glad I was on morphine just so that the confusion I felt was muffled by the opiate haze.
I had 2 follow-up appointments with 2 very different Doctors. The first, Dr. Terrence Jones, was an awful experience in canned responses, withheld information, and condescending dismissal.
If you are a Kaiser member in SF, I can’t say enough about how much I did not like this man.
However my follow-up visit with Dr. Laurie Miler was 180º from this. She listened to what I had to say, gave me options, follow-up plans, and took another US so that she was able to ascertain that the Angry Cyst was, in fact, shrinking. Still angrily oozing, but shrinking nonetheless.
The upshot of this is that a whole lot of my life was reorganised. The uncertainty of my situation meant I had little choice but to bow out of the musical I’ve been rehearsing for lo these past many months. This feels very much like an artistic miscarriage: all of the tension stress and meltdowny-goodness of musical theater without the only reward you ever get – applause and smiles and the appreciation of the audience.
This is an amazing lesson in submitting to that over which you have no control.
The interesting irony is that I’d entirely shut down my “Kink Career” in lieu of this show: the time commitment is all consuming and that is all there is to it.
As a result, now I feel adrift, and that is an unpleasant way to be.
Part of me wishes I had someone to turn to, a lap into which I could bury my head and cry and have someone pat me and say “There there, it will be OK.” But that isn’t reality. Reality is that I’m on my own two feet, and if I need that reassurance, I need to be there for myself first, and then ask for help. And interestingly, I’ll get it.
Asking for help is tough for me. At one point I’d made three phone calls asking for help in the midst of my Cystic Disaster and none of the folks were available. And of course it spun me out and I wondered why I bothered, of course I’m not anyone’s priority, yadda yadda. The funny thing is, so many people, strangers and friends, provided so much support and words of encouragement, IMs, emails, twitters and messages, I never felt completely alone.
After a week offline, I was ferried today to the San Francisco Munch, so that I could do some low grade socializing. And despite the fact I’d no idea there was gonna be a wedding at the Munch (I know, huh?) it was nice to catch up with some friends, and more importantly get lots of hugs.
Hugs are better than any amount of Vicodin, Codeine, Naproxen or Motrin.
Im so sorry to hear about this and have been keeping you in my thoughts. What a sucky turn of events. Still, from this entry it sounds like you are going to turn those cards around and make them your bitch
*hugs you tightly*
Reply
mollena Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Hey dude! i hope so…I know you’ve been through so much yourself, and pull yourself back up again. I can but strive to do the same.
((big bear hug))
Reply
Comment by Kat — July 12, 2009 @ 8:39 am
those are terrible, and angry, and you are right, complete fail. it sucks when our bodies turn against us like that… i am sorry to hear that you have been feeling icky, and hope things are better soon! *hugs* you tight as well…
Reply
mollena Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Hey lady! And I hope YOU are fully recovered too! Thank so much for the well wishes. I nee all the good energy I can soak up these days!
Peace.
Mollena
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Comment by kismet29 — July 13, 2009 @ 7:35 am
I feel you. I had a cyst or non cancerous tumour in my ovary two years ago. A different kind than yours, of course. Still as painful as hell. I actually had my ovary removed because it had grown and taken over the ovary. Ouch!
Reply
mollena Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
That was something I feared, that I also might be in that position. Not that I would necessarily miss the ovary, but surgery is kinda lame, no?
I am glad you pulled through OK, and thanks for stopping by and for saying hello!
Peace
Mo
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Comment by One Ovary Mama — July 13, 2009 @ 11:19 am
am deeply moved by your candor…… was told this by my
Grandmother…. ” when one door closes, three will open for you..”
lamesabassman…. you have our love,always….
Reply
mollena Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I tend to trust the wisdom of Mothers, and Mothers of Mothers
As I hardly knew my Grandmothers, thank you for passing on and sharing some shine from yours.
Peace.
Mo
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Comment by lamesabassman — July 14, 2009 @ 8:33 pm
[...] still a little wonky in the head from coming off of all of the pain medication I was on since the Ovary of Doom made its presence felt. But I’m hauling onward! I think I like my reflection better than [...]
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