The Negress Natters: “Submission.”
Being single for many years, I can officially say that I have done a GREAT DEAL of thinking about what it means to have an identification, a self-classification, as it were, that sits in the closet “unused.”
If one is a submissive, how can one refer to oneself as such if you aren’t in the act of submitting or in a submissive relationship?
I see this thinking applied as a passive- aggressive weapon in forums and discussion lists around BDSM topics. Slaves and submissives passive-aggressively slamfucking one another with bullshit like
“Help me understand how one can call oneself “slave” if one is not currently owned? This girl is in all ways obedient to her Master (may He Live Forever!) and yet she is confused when she sees The Unowned referring to themselves as “slaves” when they walk, alone and unmastered, without the blessing and gift of Ownership. Can you hep me understand, please?”
*cough*fuckyouseriouslyfuckyou*cough*
It took me years to be OK with being submissive. But it took me about 15 seconds to realise that many, many people in the BDSM community latch unthinkingly onto terminology and never really THINK about what they are saying.
When I see shit like “A submissive is not a doormat!” or “Submission is a gift!” or “The submissive is always in control!” or “The master must be fully responsible for their slave!” it says to me that the person probably hasn’t though too much about this idea, because if you sit with these thoughts for any amount of time they start to fall apart.
Of COURSE a submissive can be a fucking doormat if they choose to be. It isn’t absolute. And of COURSE a slave does NOT abdicate all responsibility. That is anti the bloody point.
The point is that, as a submissive, I have an aspect of myself that thrives best in the control of another person. THAT PART of me founders on its own.
DO I function without an owner?
I think so. Pretty well, thanks.
Do I function on a higher level when I am in service?
Again, I believe so.
This morning a series of Twitter posts from @MurasakiTeapot caught my eye. In pondering her own reasons for being submissive / feeling submission she hit on one of the core things about BDSM that is it easy to lose sight of: Why.
Why are you there? Why is this so important? If “Because I like it!” gets you through the night and into the dungeon, awesome! I suggest, however, that that isn’t often sustainable.
If you are unsure of the core of the reason, eventually the bottom will drop out and you’ll be left wiping up the mess and wondering how to find your way back home.
I am really feeling conflicted about kink right now. doesn’t inspire me as it once did, new people I meet are fake or scared or both. blah
9:08 PM Aug 26th from web
Yeah…that.
The line of thinking continued. Realizations about submission, about motivation, and about the nature of power.
Heady stuff.
I have and continue to let these thoughts simmer.
For me, I realized that the paradigm I feel working best for me is not one where I “give up” anything. That implies loss. I feel the best about submission when it falls into a symbiotic paradigm. When I know that I am safe to allow the aspect of my spiritual self that is absolutely nurtured by the experience of being guided by someone else, I thrive.
Look, any horse could kick the ass of any human, any day. But horses can be trained and learn to enjoy the symbiosis of being fed and taken care of and well-loved in exchange for carrying their owner or pulling a cart or plow. Not all people who own horses love them. Some relationships are simply business. But some people describe their horses as their “other self.” It is the same with a power exchange relationship. At any point, the one who is being controlled could kick and upset the cart. And the owner would be at the loss. However. The owner DOES HAVE a great deal of power. Due to conditioning and due to those “unspoken bonds.” So it is best to remain in the symbiotic place.
I AM powerful. I haven’t even tapped into the fullness of it yet and it spooks even me.
Would it be more difficult for someone to assert mastery over me?
I think it must be, since I’m unowned, and, to reveal an interesting fact, I’ve never been collared. Ever.
To answer @MurasakiTeapot’s query (framed in my view), submission looks very lonely when you realize that you MUST ACCEPT responsibility for yourself first, that NO ONE EVER can “take” it from you.
But it can be very real.
I have some trust that I will be given what I need when it is time. Overly optimistic? Possibly. Fuck it.
I don’t submit because I need to be broken. I submit because it makes me whole.
I do not HAVE TO HAVE a dominant in order to function. But I am desirous of that type of exchange because there is a critical Aspect of mySelf that only comes to the fore in the presence and service of someone I trust in a very particular manner.
I don’t walk around feeling submissive. I don’t play in a submissive headspace if I am bottoming. I have played with dozens of people I have cared for, enjoyed, or simply wanted to experience, and never felt submissive.
I have even had some very powerful scenes where my submissive nature was struck hard and broke open to revel its squisly sparkly inner wunnerfulness, but that had less to do with my feeling submissive towards that particular person than it had to do with resonances in ME being struck.
SO here I am.
Never owned, never collared, a deeply submissive latent slave, and yet fully able to function in the BDSM community and in the mainstream world.
It isn’t a paradox. It is a necessity.
I know that I have that aspect of myself, and I know that it will not be active until I am mutually engaged with someone who wants and desires it from me the way that it is.
I’m not in the market to be “molded” or changed. You would be a fucking idiot to attach a trailer hitch to your Mini Cooper and haul a boat with it. Why engage with a person whose BDSM paradigm requires you to redesign your core?
If you only feel submissive on odd Tuesdays, find someone who fits that schedule. If you only feel submissive to ONE PERSON, then there is your answer.
Who you are is not changeable by external forces. All they can do is ripple your pond. Eventually, you settle back to you.
And that is fucking awesome.
Really enjoyed the article. Thanks for posting that.
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Thank you for reading it!
I appreciate folks taking the time to peep what I gotta say
Peace.
Mollena
Reply
Comment by Mama Gaea — August 28, 2009 @ 3:40 pm
*I don’t submit because I need to be broken. I submit because it makes me whole.*
fucking word.
i want to read this to half the kink community i know… and then i want to read them this:
*Who you are is not changeable by external forces. All they can do is ripple your pond. Eventually, you settle back to you.*
sing it miss awesome
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
curtsy
Thank you madame!!!
xoxo
Mo
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Comment by badinfluencegirl — August 28, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
Great post. I don’t want anyone submitting to me who can’t function happily on their own. And that is why I am ultra-turned off by people who act needy .
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Hi Lolita!
Neediness is NOT sexy and it is positively cancerous to ANY BDSM relationship coming from ANY position in the relationship. Top bottom dom sub master slave switch…feeling that ANYONE’s “job” is to “make you complete” is dodgy.
Much love
Mo
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Comment by Lolita Wolf — August 28, 2009 @ 4:23 pm
you photograph very well……..
lamesabassman….. very well melt a few hearts…. you’re a caution…..
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Thank you!
That is the work of Melvin Moten….there’s a link to his work in my sidebar. I have some photos in one of his photo books too!
xoxo
Mo
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lamesabassman Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
will check it, stah….. the both of you complement each other….. and that’s rare in the world of Photography
the way it’s lit and the color ….. yeah, it’s digital but, dang if it don’t look like Koda 25…. or a smooth 64…..
lamesabassman….. yeah, I shoot film… Nikon…. since I was 14…. but I do hear Digital callin’ me…..
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Comment by lamesabassman — August 28, 2009 @ 8:23 pm
to give of one’s self….. ‘Tis a blessing….. and a curse…. to go where you never once was and then be able to hang tough like that …… and still handle your business…… tres’ hellacool……
lamesabassman….. just remember,love,always… look both ways before crossing…..
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mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I think I take my capacity to hang tough is that I don’t see the alternative (not trying) to be an option at ALL!
xoxo
Mo
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lamesabassman Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
you’re a caution…… and can dig it…..
lamesabassman…… in your past life…. you must be from Brooklyn,NYC…. you got Moxie,sistah…
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 30th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
•LOL• East Harlem, actually!
Comment by lamesabassman — August 28, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
This is, singularly, the best written piece I have read about the nature of submission. Obviously, I have much thinking going on. Obviously.
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I am honored.
Very much so.
Thank you for sharing your process and sharing in mine.
Much love
Mollena
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Comment by MurasakiTeapot — August 28, 2009 @ 9:32 pm
I love how you provoke and encourage thinking on a deeper level. The thought that a submissive is inherently powerful (okay, maybe some aren’t, but many are) is one that I need to more deeply consider, especially given the fact that many consider me to be a more powerful person than I have ever given myself credit for. And yet I feel a deep and abiding connection with submission, my desire for it and my need for it on a very spiritual level.
Thank you for making me think. As usual.
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mollena Reply:
August 30th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Those who fully embrace their power are in fact the fiercest and most magnificent and the most intimidating people on earth.
Much love, beautiful one.
Mollena
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Comment by Ang — August 29, 2009 @ 3:10 pm
Thank You Mollena!! As MurasakiTeapot said, one of the best written pieces on submissive nature I’ve read in a long long time.
I am submissive. I serve the world around me and do not need to “belong to anyone” or “be collared” to be WHO and WHAT I am. I certainly am not going to limit, restrict or change my need to be happy, and obtain it, just because I am unowned. I tell submissives all the time, it IS about OUR wants needs and desires in life first. Their reply back is that I cant possibly be submissive if I think my needs come first, but in the reality of life, that is very much how it needs to be. If I need to serve, I am going to pick who I serve, I will then Choose to let them be the Dominant and in control, I choose to “obey” – its fulfilling MY need as a submissive, to submit. *smiles*
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mollena Reply:
August 30th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Each of us must put our needs first before we decide whether or not to give up precidence to the needs of someone else. And goodness, if you submit to someone who automatically assumes that they have a RIGHT to your honoring them in submission….that’s some bullshiit.
Love
Mo
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Comment by pixie — August 29, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
One of my biggest, never-ending frustrations with submitting, or talking about submitting, or using the “title” of submissive…is the seemingly inexhaustible supply of people telling me I’m doing it wrong, because I don’t submit the way they think I ought to.
I hate being told by anyone that I don’t have the right to claim something that I consider to be part of my identity. I am a submissive. I’ve never been collared, either. And the fact that I can get up off my ass, stop moaning and whining because I have to be independent, hold a job, pay my rent, make my own choices, and maintain the integrity to tell an idiot I don’t respect that they don’t have the right to demand my submission tells me that I’m probably a damned good submissive. Doormats are boring. Needy people are terrifying. Strength is arousing, attractive, powerful, and wonderful to behold.
I get very frustrated having to hear all of that stuff (and surprisingly, I hear it more from people who don’t have a clue about kink at all, than anyone else). Thanks for the reminder that there is more than just me. It’s always good to hear, again, and again, and again, that we are not alone.
Reply
mollena Reply:
August 30th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
No, never alone.
Interestingly I rarely have non-kink-identified folks overstep boundaries about what submissiveness means. But boyoboy do I get the “you seem more like a dom” thing. All. Of. The. Time.
Thank you so much for your awesome response.
Peace.
Mollena
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Comment by Naomi — August 30, 2009 @ 5:13 pm
Joins the crowd of those standing and applauding, hell cheering.
I am a switch, with a very heavy submissive streak, I was collared by my late wife for 10 years. While she did many things for me, the one thing she did not require was growth. I loved her and still do, but now I know what she did not do. That I must now learn to do for myself.
Thank you for standing up and speaking out, your words are very well written and need to be read by every person who even thinks about participating in kink.
Thank you lady,
Blessed Be and if any one give you shit point them our way and we will set them straight.
Reply
Comment by C.A.Sizemore — August 31, 2009 @ 8:12 am
ive thought for a long time symbioic was the right word for what i saw the dynamic being. my need to have my hair pulled and in someone elses control was no more and no LESS than his need to take control. ive had a shitload of doms tell me im wrong. ive thougt for a long time i wanted to do kink wrong; that i was failing to integrate
you are not new to kink; you arenot a stupid person; you are
overall respected & accepted by others. and here you are saying the same words i had felt were truth
i may be wrong about a lot of things but im not wanting to do kink wrong. i only wish i could have found your words sooner so that i could have taken on less criticism
if i ever gt to meet you i owe you a huge hug for this post. you gave me something i really needed
im not wrong because i want symbiotic; im just wrong for those that buy into it being a one way situation
thanks luv!!! you changed a life forever
Reply
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A fascinating and thought-provoking post. It is human nature to rationalise, categorise and pigeon-hole our observations of the world around us. It is how we make sense of what we observe. The problem arises when we become bound by those categorizations and we get ludicrous assertions such as “You cannot be a proper sub. because you don’t do x, y, or z”. In the worst case individuals may be denied acceptance within a particular group because their behaviour does not conform to the (artificially created) paradigm.
We are all unique, with our own subtle variations of likes, dislikes, needs and desires. The categories we create to describe and make sense of human behaviour can only ever be approximations. Define the categories too broadly and they would be of no use at all, define them too narrowly and you would end up with one category specific to each human on the planet.
I am sure that in the complex world of BDSM we would be mocked for not doing it properly because the collar comes off at the bedroom door, or because I ask permission before I tie My Beloved, or smack her. By our own definitions, however, we are doing it exactly right because it is in that way we find pleasure and fulfilment in each other.
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