the “people” part comes first because first and foremost that’s what we are! and first and foremost its THOSE skills & needs that will impact the success in d/s (using d/s to signify a relationship that is anything other than a two hour beat on the body, physical only situation. tons of people happily have those based solely on technical skills)

being able to look inside YOUR own person closet to recognize what you see, feel, think, like, hate [and part of this is knowing what parts of you must match up with the other one; as example i dont have to have philosophical agreement on 401k investments for a dom to own me. but i do expect compassion if i say aw damn its $4,000 to fix my car.) and then the people skills of expressing that so someone else can hear you the way _you intend it to be heard_ and making sure it was heard that way. being able to reconcile what youre willing to be with what the other person needs.

the situations i see fail are so often failing because they came together as top/bottom and are struggling with the people aspect. this one cant fill that need of the other and neither party has evolved enough to be able to look inside their own person closet to figure out what’s there, what’s wanted; nevermind figure out what the other guy is offering them.

its not enough that one wants to wield a whip and one wants to be the target if the two parties cant converse any of the expectations or results encompassing that one hour experience. it strikes me very much as putting the cart before the horse to even try… yet its exactly what i see happening ALL the time.

i would love to see bdsm classes/conventions include the vanilla stuff of listening, communication, maslow’s heirarchy even. its crucial as people to have those skills; nevermind as people wielding sticks & stones.

I particularly like your Address, Assuage, Apologize and Advocate list, and the comments on the submissive’s responsibilities. What struck closest to home, however, was this.

“Removing yourself, as a master / owner, because of YOUR perceived faults does a disservice to the dynamic you are working to create….This is akin to the people who do the whole “I’m not good enough for you. You can do better. You’ll be happier without me.” Thing which I consider “Shenanigans” and “Chickenshit Tactics” to put it mildly.”

That’s the standard, “I don’t want to hurt you, so let’s back off a bit.” It may be true, but it’s not a unilateral decision, it’s a joint one. And that was definitely an aspect of my own error.

Thank you for you insight.

in my personal view – the vast majority of people do not process (nevermind analyze) on the meta-level he is. generally speaking anyone who’s not an accountant gets put off by that level of analysis.

in my personal experience of kink – DAMN few write about the view from “the inside”. some may cover what they did or the result of how they were angry or hurt etc. but *not* about the mechanics; not the actual rube goldberg process of how it moved and the transformations it went through. vast majority of people cant/dont tolerate that level of detail.

my observation of people as a whole (and this is very much a sweeping generalization) men emotionally have a smaller box of crayons. they have less adjectives/less differentiations for how they feel. from what i’ve seen, women tend to have a much bigger box of emotional crayons with many more shades between midnight blue and palest sky blue.