This question on Formspring is interesting to me, but there is no room for discussion there. I’m posting it here, first to see if I can get some bounceback from other folks who struggle with intimacy and emotional availability and secondly because I’m in “Don’t. Get. Attached!” mode with someone with whom  I recently hooked up.  I’m not sure how I feel about the effortlessness of my capacity to compartmentalize and mentally block even the concept of deeper connection with this person…so.

How do you avoid becoming emotionally involved when play and/or aftercare involves sexual elements? by coyotetoo

I am excellent at explaining to myself BEFOREHAND and thoroughly that the person with whom I’m playing is not an appropriate target for such affections. My emotional involvement with people either blindsides me or tends to grow slowly. The blindsides are tougher, but reality checks help to temper that initial blaze of intensity. Sexuality doesn’t immediately evoke emotional connectivity for me. It tends to be the other way around in a BDSM context.

Interestingly, I almost never have BDSM play move to sex. I wouldn’t be able to count above maybe 2 times in the past 10 years where a scene that did not involve my current partner (i.e., a casual play scene) moved on to explicitly sexual sexiness.

The past few times I have approached someone with whom I had played for sex, I was turned down. This shut me off but good against asking for it. I won’t say never but for the time being, I won’t assume / approach / move into a headspace of sex outside of the sexual masochism of a scene.

I would not recommend that as a technique for keeping the emotional connection from moving deeper (assuming that depth is inappropriate.)

I would recommend tracking your emotional response, keeping your sex playful and erotic rather than deep and intense if that depth and intensity is what triggers that connection. Whatever has triggered it in the past, avoid. Keep a hold of the affection, the caring, the friendship aspects of the encounter, let the sex be sexy, but if emotional involvement is off the table, you have to steel yourself to that.

And now I’ll unravel all of that to say this: avoid avoiding emotional intimacy.

What a rare gift it is when you feel that connection. Stifling that is a real disservice to life, the universe, and everything. You may well suffocate a flame that could burn and illuminate a heretofore unknown corner of your heart.

The “Under 500″ are posts in which I attempt to do a sketch of a moment, generally sexual, in under 500 words. I’m inspired to add this to the stash. I hope you enjoy…

Panting unsettles my orgasmic dénouement. His hand was still on my neck. Big, strong fingers tracing deceptively delicate diagrams at the hollow under my chin where the throat’s thin-skinned then a finger slid abruptly to pull insistently on my lip, insinuating between my teeth with a blasé approach to the grinding porcelain and bone threats to his digital integrity.

My right hand tightened reflexively on his flank where it had been marveling over, over and over, the preternatural rigidity of the muscle under the sweat-slicked skin. My left hand went AWOL on its mission to sink fingers into the flesh of his forearm…bicep…shoulder that remained frozen in place holding him up seemingly effortlessly as he inhaled my skin, sensitized as it was by the rough stubble of his chin and cheeks, each stroke its own small riot of sensation across my flesh.

I shook again.

And again. (more…)

The morning after...welts courtesy Lady Hilary & The Marine.

A couple of weeks ago my full-time employment-centric lifestyle evaporated, much more quickly that I thought would be the case in my life. That same week I received word that my roomie, who is awesome, was moving out as she and her girlfriend had found a place.

All this as I was returning from a trip back east to DC for a conference and was bracing for the long trip to Chicago and NY.

Additionally I had an impossibly full weekend with the Mr. SF Leather contest, and I was slated to do a demo for a dungeon party and was having the damnedest time finding a demo top I could trust to do the type of play you need to do for a demo, and with whom I had some connection.

I happened to luck out. Big time.

(more…)

photo courtesy of @Viviane212

So often one wonders how they wind up who they are. At least I do. I will be in a moment, living, thinking, doing whatever it is I’m doing and then part of my consciousness will pull back for a moment and say to the rest of my consciousness “Whoah. Really? Is this really happening? ‘Cause…well…you know. That’s pretty….wow. Just, yeah.”

I am just back from a multi-stage trip that took me to Chicago for SINSations In Leather and then to New York for …well, for so much more than I have even been able to process. For those who are unaware, life’s been hurtling along in many ways, some good, some a bit scary…but good.  I’m no longer an employee of Penthouse Inc by way of serving as Sr. Editor for Bondage and ALT. Thank Ganesha I’m out of debt, in a rent-controlled flat, and able to collect Unemployment Insurance. I hardly had time to soak up this life shift but I was off to Chicago and home to New York. (more…)

As an artistical type person going on 36 years now, I am a perpetual student of all manner of art forms. Especially the ones my brain re-purposes for illicit erotic fantasymining.

My skills as a dancer are often limited by the skill of my partner. Hm. Sound familiar? I can bottom quite well to a dominant hand in the dance. I learned this lesson amusingly when, in my last show, one of my co-stars and I were having a bit of toughness getting down what I felt should be a simple bit of choreography. Our choreographer finally stepped in to run the steps with us both. The music started up, she took my hand and the lead, and we did the combo perfectly. She stopped, turned to my scene partner and said “She’s got it. You just have to lead her.”

Occasionally, Wayne Brady DOES have to choke a bitch.

Story.
Of.
My.
Fucking.
Life.

The analogies to love and sex and dance are so hackneyed I will violently verbally swerve to avoid using them. But some of them are unavoidable, specific, and sexy as all bunnyfuck.

Like Apache Dance. (more…)

Not a word I’d ever thought would apply to me.

Not a word that necessarily connotes the joy with which I use it today.

Not a word that can full explain what sobriety has done for me.

But it will have to do.

Praise god. Praise the Lord I’m sober today.

As I sit in a hotel room in Chicago, wrapping up a week that saw me take my first steps away from a job I loved but that wasn’t growing with me…those first terrifying moments of freefall have been replaced with a startling feeling of … safety. I am well cared-for. I am loved.

For an unemployed writer, performer, pervert and Leather Titleholder, I’m in an amazing place. Tonight I will be in my home, my old stomping grounds, New York City. Old and new friends, an amazing return, so much to do my head swims when I check my google calendar. It is crazy.

And if I were not sober today, I would never. Never ever. Have managed it.

Thank you to my old friends…to Julie & Mellie & Tim who helped get me into rehab.  I hope your lives are as blessed as mine is.

Thank you to the Staff at Joe Healy Rehab.

Thank you to Ms. Heart,  who stepped in and stood by me and went with me to meetings. To my first sponsors, for some hard lessons on what does and does not work, for ME, in recovery.

To the people who attend the Safeword recovery meeting that I started, totally unsure that it was OK for a kid with only 9 months sober to do so.

Thank you to my virtual family. To my real-time friends. To the people who serve as reminders that life is so fucking beautiful, even when it slices you apart and leaves you gasping alone on the shore.

Beautiful.

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #10? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Start Without Me – It’s for when one of us is too tired, or not in the mood, or out of town, or the other of us is too horny to wait. But now, here, right in front of me, you’re touching yourself, playing yourself, and it is the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

Wicked Tongues - There are so many different ways that a mouth can connect themselves with my cunt. And so many partners, each with their own way of connecting with me.

“Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Audible – More hushed giggles, more kissing sounds. A gasp followed immediately by a quiet, restrained moan. I had to make up the images in my head, try to picture what caused that gasp, who’s mouth was on what body part. Or was it even a mouth?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Swing Shift Volume 33- We’re “Sexually Festive!” – What I do know is that I love Veronica now more than ever, that we choose our extra-marital partners with care and respect, and never fail to remember that our primary relationship is the most important one. If we’re considered sluts or promiscuous by others, so what?

(more…)

ECLIPSE Women & TransFolk Play party!
Friday, March 5 2010
8:00PM – 1:00AM
Hosted by Ms. Cat & Ajax
Friday, March 5th 8pm-1am at the SF Citadel
Admission: $25

ECLIPSE IS BACK! If you haven’t been to an Eclipse party – what are you waiting for? Eclipse is a powerful gathering of Women and Trans perverts…all eager to indulge. The intoxicating energy at Eclipse has become known for its intensity and there’s always a surprise to keep our guests on their toes….er knees? In our 3rd year, we’re hotter than ever with fresh music, more presenters, and new themes to help inspire your fantasies! If your in the women’s’ community or ever wanted to get connected, Eclipse if the place to be with our interactive entertainment. (more…)