I have a hard-on for the NCSF. If you don’t know about the national Coalition for Sexual Freedom, educate yourself. If you’re kinky, you REALLY have no business not knowing and supporting them. As the only organization dedicated to helping protect us pervs, an at-risk sexual minority, from prosecution, from discrimination, shit…from OURSELVES? We need them.

I suddenly found myself with a mad hair up my butt about them, and about their Consent Counts movement : read about it. In a nutshell? You can go to jail even if you and your partner(s) love to do BDSM shit if you get busted. See, you can’t consent to certain types of stuff, and the cops and courts don’t care if you have emails and letters and friends and photos to prove it was consensual. It doesn’t matter to them if you want it. What matters is the behavior, not the consent.

I found myself recently kinda obsessed with spreading the word about consent, and what it means, because the shit is complicated. Because I care about my community, Because I don’t want to see friends lose custody of kids and lose their jobs because someone thinks kink is fucked up…

And because, recently? I had someone push through my consent boundary and it fucked me up. But good.

And maybe you are thinking

Oh but how could that happen?! You’re an expert! You TEACH other perverts how to do the perverted shit? How could ANYONE take advantage of you without your consent?

 

I asked myself that after this encounter.

I blamed myself.

I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.” forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit him, push him away. It must be my fault.”

I sat in a narcotized place of self-blame and self-hatred for months around something for which I claimed100% responsibility.

I blamed myself for “letting” someone violate one of my strongest boundaries. And I sat on this alone and in reflexive revulsion, because clearly I was too stupid, weak and foolish to handle myself like a responsible adult.

And because I had so much shame around this, because I was so afraid that others would look at me and think “What a fucking idiot. What kind of dummy lets something like them happen to them?” I didn’t tell anyone for months. Then it began to eat me alive, woke me up at night, freaked me out.

I finally told several people close to me, And then a few more. And no one told me I was stupid. In fact, to my dismay, my story was common. Standard. Typical.

And that is horrifying. THAT is shameful.

So I am taking a deep breath and telling you today. Because? Consent COUNTS. And anyone can be taken advantage of. Anyone. And you aren’t stupid, you aren’t helpless, if someone pushes through your boundaries. (more…)

I have a hard time straight-up asking for advice. Partly because I am afraid of people doing that whole “I’m worried about you!” thing when I do. It seems often when I do say “Yeah, I’m struggling with this…can you help me?” a great deal of the time I get a response that pushes me into defensive mode. Some people start fretting about my state of mind, or offering me advice that fails to take into account I am not looking to uproot my issue from my internal landscape….just maybe prune it a bit. Thin it out, yanno?

The funny thing is, it is rare that I actually need advice. It isn’t because I am so awesomely flawless. It is more because I have a fully empaneled Internal Committee who do nothing 24 / 7 / 52 / 12 / 365 but run reports on best and worst case scenarios and, really, already know what we need to do. It is unusual that I have NO handle on what is going on with me. It is more likely I’m assiduously turning my face away from what needs to be done and I need someone I trust to pull off the blindfold I’ve resolutely put on and am using as a security blanket. Sometimes, though, I kinda can’t see the bigger picture because I am too deeply in it. The “forest for the trees” syndrome is not one for which I’ve an immunity, though it is rare. And the risk for me in letting someone else advise me when I realize I’m stuck in my own story is that they will lay their own interpretation of my story on the reality of what I’m going through and come up with some wildly skewed shit. Or, even more risky: a story that is just skewed enough to nudge me towards doubting my own take on things. You probably know how that is: your concerned friend or family member or whomever sees you flailing, they voice their concerns and offer loving, genuine advice based on what they see and it doesn’t quite resonate but it resonates enough…maybe a half-tone outta whack…so that you wonder if maybe they are right and you are making a fundamental error in how you are doing things? (more…)

Photo Courtesy of Kitten's Toys

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #25? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Women, Swinging, and Seduction – From Meeting to Fucking in the Swinging Lifestyle: “My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…” announced a good friend of mine..

The Scent of a Woman (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Snatch): Years back, during a scene, I had my dominant lean in and whisper lasciviously that he could “smell my wet pussy” and I started to cry.

5 Kinky Toys from the Office Supply Store: If you’re a nerd like me, you find the idea of office supplies a little bit arousing already but Pet & I paid a recent visit with an even more focused purpose — finding the best pervertibles Staples had to offer.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Two Fantasies in One: The sexting progressed from just spanking and fingering to fingering both my holes, to slipping a butt plug in to punish me for being a naughty girl. By the time Tuesday came around we were both very horny and on edge to get together.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ethics in Blogging: Ethics don’t always equal human kindness/respect for others. You can be a snarky, grumpy shit-stirrer but still be ethical. You can be sweet as pie on the outside and be unethical.

(more…)

Some anonymous person asked me the following on Formspring…and I felt more like talking to them rather than writing about it.

Admitting my submissive side is one of the hardest things that’s happened to me. I don’t know what to think or do with myself anymore. I wonder if it’s a result of past sexual abuse I thought I had sorted out. think I’m depressed . Do you have any advice?

I hope it helps…hang in there.

You are Beautiful as you are.

I have now, in the past 3 days, seen 4-5 threads about newcomers complaining about the lack of kink, sex, and fuckery at Munches. If you read the history, you’ll see what happens when Munches deviate from this rule. And some folks in the PNW re-learned this lesson the hard way recently.

Dating and “getting to know folks” is IMPORTANT. Pervs oft forget this in the flush of excitement in having found community. Munches are a fabulous way to socialize in a safer setting. Picking up a trick is not the stated purpose, Sure, yes, it is an occasional benefit! But to keep the arty moving, ant to make it beneficial to the broadest number of people, it has to be chill.

And hey, I’d love to hear from Munch organizers about their experiences managing Munches, keeping them safe, and how they foster community.

So for those bitching…perhaps you failed to look up what the fuck a Munch actually is?

Lets do that, shall we? I’m-a cut and paste it to spare your clicking finger from even having to click. That’s how nice I am.

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Munch (BDSM)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A munch (short for burger munch) is a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM, usually at a restaurant. When available, munches often use a private room. In the UK, the venue is usually a pub, and people are free to arrive and leave within the specified hours. The primary purpose is socializing, though some munches also have announcements from local organizations. Munches often help those who are curious about the lifestyle meet others who may be able to help them become more comfortable and better informed. Munches can also be a place to get advice about or pass on anecdotes about BDSM experiences.

Unlike a play party, most munches are casual affairs that exclude fetish attire or BDSM play, though a rare few include covert Master/slave interactions or other play. Some munches may have a specific focus, such as spirituality or whips. Others may be restricted to a specific group, such as women or submissives.

History

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