It doesn’t matter what comes after that. My hamsterbrain jumps right onto that Wheel of Misfortune and starts furiously scrambling. This is a reflex I have had for as long as I can remember. And it doesn’t fucking matter who says it or what the context is or anything rational like that.
This is one of the reasons that I tend to sit on things when I have some shit I need to process. I don’t want to cough up partially-digested emotional hairballs and try to figure it out in front of the world. I really feel it is often better to wait until I know what I am going to say, and I am emotionally prepared to deal with the potential responses. This is not a 100% of the time thing because running parallel to this impulse is an other truth: once a situation HAS been brought to light? I feel compelled to deal with it ASAP. Can’t have shit hanging over my head. The Conversation of Damocles doesn’t help me sleep at night. Yeah so I reserve the right to percolate and ruminate until I am ready but if I am in the moment? That shit needs to be dealt with now now NOW pronto motherfucker so that I don’t have time to fret, worry and create fanciful (and often erroneous.) storytales about what the other person’s process MIGHT be.
A week or so ago in a conversation with The Dominant Guy, he said something that stuck in my head a bit. Part of me started barking but my main reaction was “You’re probably overreacting dude. Chill the fuck out.” so I did. And I was fucking busy…IMsL, tech week for “The Lily’s Revenge,” home life unraveling. So I back-burnered it.
“Fair enough,” I thought “If it still bothers me in a few days I’ll ask him about it.”
Every once in a while something really gets into my head accidentally. A song may trigger a really profound reaction. And I script entire visual symphonies to go along with the music. Sometimes they are very abstract, sometimes they are novels of Chekhovian scope that unfurl in the handful of minutes it takes to listen to a a single track.
Cesaria Evoria is a force. I adore her work and her voice. I saw her in concert and had a hangover when I left from insufficient respiration. There a duet with her and Tania Libertad covering “La Historia De Un Amor” and a fortuitously broken link lead me to this version.
It is breathtaking, beautiful and violent and sensual and since I like my love like that this spoke to me.
Welcome to e[lust]- Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. And in this edition you can read all about the best sexuality conference of the year (ever?), Momentum, in a one-time-only Editor’s Choice anomaly: I couldn’t choose just one, so I chose them all! Want to be included in e[lust] #26? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
Where We Are - It was only supposed to be about the fucking. I don’t know how I convinced myself that it could be. I fretted before we began, about how I could ever possibly separate sex from emotion.
The Edible Slut - His hand made an audible crack as it connected with her ass, loud in the dim bedroom. Did he really sink his hand into her hair, turn her head to face him, and shout, “Stop being such a brat!”
Beyond Bisexual – I don’t identify as bisexual, because I am interested in so many more people than just two of the variety of sexes or genders out there. Except, that is a word that a lot of people understand.
I’ve been invited to do keynotes at Leather / Kink events a handful of times, and as someone who doesn’t really believe in writing speeches, this always throws me into a blind panic. Yes, one of my own making but I personally challenge myself to life up to the challenge of what speeches are, IMO, meant to be: spoken in the moment.
This past winter I was to speak at Leather Reign up in Seattle and I was nervous as fuck. Shout outs to Sheryn B., who tossed me a nugget from which to jump off for the speech and also props to The Dominant Guy, for patience with my hamsterbrain flipmode meanderings in the days leading up to the speechification.
to the friends family and folks in the audience tonight at International Ms Leather.
It was a very scary decision for me to share my story and to ask for others to stand or raise a hand with me as survivors. And the remaining people I asked to show support if they knew someone who was a survivor of sexual abuse.
Over three-quarters of the room were with me on the first call. EVERYONE was in by the second.
It filled me with many emotions to see this happen. Validation. Pride in US. Rage that so many of us have lived this story. It threatened to take me out. And it was worth it. It was worth the fear and the opening of that wound because so. Many. Of. Us. Live. With. This. Pain.
And tonight? YOU reached into your hearts and stood, not as victims, but as survivors and in LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES YOU made a difference in helping to spread the words that: Consent Counts. YOU gave the NCSF the gift of
$1126.16
In Five. Minutes.
THAT is what happens when we stand together. THAT is what happens when we tell our stories. THAT is what happens when we take a hold of our power.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Now, back to work…I have a play to do, a book to write, a show to craft, classes to teach, another show to do, cons to attend, the Swedish are already missing me and there’s this Dominant Guy to consider…
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I often hear people talk about pivotal moments in their lives with longing regret: wishing they’d known then how critical a moment this fleeting juncture would be. I have had the pleasure / terror of Total In-The-Moment-Surety that something was going to be a life altering event even as it happened. The unifying theme is [...]
This question on Formspring is interesting to me, but there is no room for discussion there. I’m posting it here, first to see if I can get some bounceback from other folks who struggle with intimacy and emotional availability and secondly because I’m in “Don’t. Get. Attached!” mode with someone with whom I recently hooked up. [...]
