After being shoved into a Very, Very. Bad. Place emotionally following a conversation sparked by the death of Amy Winehouse, I’ve been floundering on some core issues. I had to wince to see so many people’s callous opinions, and to hear people opine that addicts just made “bad choices: ” that we chose to let ourselves become addicts, or that addicts are fuckups who didn’t figure their shit out in time.

Those mornings when I awoke on my piss soaked bed in my trash filled rooms with my brain praying and begging for me to stop, to get help, even as I reached for a fifth of Jack to pry open my dry mouth so that I could stave off the shaking long enough to get to the shower and get to work? That felt nothing at-fucking-all like “free will” or “choice.” It felt like possession. But it is hard to explain that, even as eloquent as I am, to people who haven’t felt like worthless despicable hopeless wastes of meat day after day, year after year, and relied on [INSET DRUG OF CHOICE HERE] to get by. (more…)

There are all sorts of approaches to kinky sexytime, and negotiating them can be friggin’ awkward, even for those of us who do this shit professionally.

I am delighted to share this funny short film. Not only is it sweet, sensitive, clever and hilarious, it would be a great way to broach the topic of kinky sex to someone in whom you were interested in playing…or to your partner, or partners…you get the gist.

Enjoy!

I’ve been here & in service & writing & working for a little over a week now.

I haven’t had much in the way of time for personal writing.

More to the point, I am in the midst of this crazy-ass root-level emotional liquefaction that has left me gasping a bit for spiritual air. Someday I will have words for what This is ~ this resistance, this fight against resistance, this desiring and fearing surrender, this realization that the shadows I fight are facets of myself. This sudden surety of knowing that the vulnerability being asked of me will be dangerous, and spilling the blood of fear is inevitable. Inside me, turgid angry cysts that rupture and poison my system with terror.

Sound dramatic?

Well, it fucking bloody well is.

Turning one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees away from the parts of myself that are logical, that protect, that parse, sort, weigh, balance and rationally protect and then shouting down ear-splitting shrieks of irrational impulses is rough ugly work. Some days it fades to murmur, Some nights it eats my sleep, leaving me watching sunrises in bleary, weary wonder.

I’ve had thrown in my face how viscerally terrifying it is for me to be seen, read by someone else. It is possible my previous interactions have been with people who assumed they knew enough about me to conduct the level of interaction they desired. It could be my defense mechanisms were so well-constructed, no one even realized I was hiding. It could be that sober me is just…different.

Whatever it is? I’m in shock at how sickening and precipice-edgy it feels to have someone push into my head and heart and see shit I work furiously to bury.
So I don’t have words right now. But my logical mind, my rational, sane voice is somehow become allied with my Demon of late, and in finding both of those voices unreliable I am left with instinct. And the instinct…the instinct?

Someone before me already wrote about that. I will steal his words, because I think he says it better than I can right now.

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If you are late to the game, you may have missed my recent lifestyle shift! I’m a wandering troubadour at present, singing my songs of perversion all over the place. SO here are a few places where you will be able to find me in the next month and a half, and see what I’m up to!

Thursday July 7th, 2011 7:00 PM ~ 9:00 PM

Purple Passion, NYC NY

211 West 20th St New York, NY 10011

I’ll be presenting “Negotiation for the Hopelessly Shy & Terribly Awkward” (and who among us ins’t that person now and then?)

I will be hanging out on the coattails of Lee Harrington in Ohio!  He’s conducting a Rope Bondage Intensive on July 23rd that you should check out.  This is a straight-up plug, since I’m not there in any official capacity. Lee and I are working on a book that’ll be out sometime in early 2012, and so we are aligning our collaboration with his visit there.

I am presenting at The Floating World, July 29th ~ 31st in Edison, New Jersey

Looking forward to the SF Leathermen’s Discussion Group

August 24th, 2011 7:30 ~ 9:30

Blow Buddies

933 Harrison Street, San Francisco, CA
I am so stoked to be back in SF and presenting for the SF Leathermen’s Discussion group!   This is the Taboo Play & Working Through Extremes class, which is one of my personal faves. I am delighted to have been invited to present to the SFLDG.

M/S Conference 2011

September 2nd ~ 5th, 2011, Washington DC.

…there’s lots more after that but for now? That’ll do pig. That’ll do. 

This is. Huh. It is Rambly noodlings about a scene I did with Graydancer at the Dark Odyssey Fusion camp. You can hear his side of the story (and it is pretty frikin’ cool, to be honest) on the Ropecast. It starts at the half hour point.

Showing off, connection and playing to safeword.

I need to say thanks specifically to Gray for undertaking this scene. Though it wasn’t “fun” or “sexy” it was a chance for both of us to take some nasty creatures for a walk.

I just discovered the audio sync is fucked on this file I don’t know what happened. SO, just minimize the video and listen to it. Sorry about that. FML.

Thanks also to my Family peeps, Ava and SherynB for being there for us for post-scene management. And for not continuing to torture me. Though I know it was tough, because apparently I am quite fetching when heaving with sobs, drenched in tears and sweat and groveling.  I am very grateful to have these people in my life. And thanks to JonK for wrangling Ava, since everyone needs staff!

I have pretty awesome friends.