I’m unplugging today, the way I often do when I feel like I’m about to short short-circuit on emotional shit. It is post Folsom weekend. The Dominant Guy and his wife are headed back home, and I barely held it together through the weekend as I fretted about not seeing him for an extended period of time. I’m in the beginning of rehearsing for a show, couch surfing for a few months, and thinking I’m probably setting myself up for a massive crash.
It isn’t all that easy for me to think about my life in terms of what is safe and healthy because it is so relative, and because I am still getting to know who I am without alcohol to erase emotional difficulties. Four and a half years isn’t much time in recovery, and every day feels like a new adventure.
Strong emotions…at least the way I experience them…are rough. I have a slight degree of synesthesia, and am easily triggered to full physical emotional and spiritual recall as a result of certain stimuli.
Add to that I’m a pretty twisted pervert and it is really tough, some days, to figure out what “healthy” means.
Struggling with this today I was surfing Twitter and trying so hard to muster the energy to take my bruised body and put it back into the play of the default world when an eye-catching post crossed my timeline.
The full quote is the following;
To me, healthy starts when you accept who you are, and what you need, whether or not it’s ideal. And, trust me, it’s rarely ideal. If you know who you are, and you’re okay with what you need, you can start adjusting your environment accordingly. You’re going to be a lot happier functioning as your true self in an environment that fits that self, rather than trying to force changes in yourself to fit an environment.
This is yet another frying-pan-to-the-head-moment.
I didn’t need another one. I’ve had, like, 4 this weekend alone. I am very delicate right now from all of these motherfucking ephipanies.
I’m going to be processing this for while.
It might take me a bit to accept that, as off-beat , as non-standard, as crushingly painful and as sublimely beautiful as my life can be, all of it — the whiplash of emotions, the intensity of experience…IS…Healthy.