As you can see, Gray is usually far more genteel.

I’m deeply honored and pleased (and yeah, a little turned on) to re-post, with permission, a really remarkable essay on race play.

Shock #1, it isn’t by me.

Less shocking, it is about me, kinda.

Shockingest of all? It is an essay written from  the top’s experience in doing race play.  My friend Gray(dancer), who blogs here and podcasts here, was gracious enough to write about how the scenes we’ve done have been for him.

I am glad he chose to share this, as it is less typical to read about scenes from a top’s perspective, and I personally haven’t seen anyone else write on this particular role play from the “bad-guy” perspective.  Sidebar: I’ve pulled together a bunch of my previous writings / interviews / media on this topic to be found and updated as needed here: mollena.com/race-play

So bit props to Gray, and I’m off to…um…(re)read it in the privacy of under my blanket. With a vibrator.

Posted by Graydancer, December 30th, 2011

 

Yesterday Mollena got a tweet asking if anyone had written about race play from the white or oppressor’s side. She tagged me as being someone who ought to, so, for better or worse, here it is:

Hi. I’m the oppressor.

I don’t feel like the oppressor. Seems to me that I don’t make enough money to be the oppressor. But I have a melanin deficit in my skin, so when I play with Mollena, sometimes, I’m the oppressor.

Not all the time. It’s strangely, vitally important that you know that. There are times when I’m playing with Mollena that there’s nothing about race involved in the play. It’s about making her mouth open in that silent scream, feeling her body shake with an orgasm, watching her eyes roll back as she tries to keep her body from betraying her the way it does, over and over, to my particular methods of inflicting pain and pleasure.

See how easy it is to talk about that? That’s my kind of pleasure, and if it’s oppression, it’s the oppression I’m comfortable with. The fact that we have different shades of skin is purely incidental.

(more…)

I’ve been “out” as someone a bit bent pretty much since I realized it was a reality for me. My friends all had similar reactions: eye-rolling and “Yeah…and?”   The only raised eyebrows I ever got were in reaction to my follow-up revelation that I was submissive. Everyone assumed I would be the one throwing the whips, not the one kneeling in obedient submission.

Hey, not everyone understands, right off the bat, how hardcore ya gotta be to be submissive or engage in consensual slavery!

I came out to my Mother around…I dunno…2002? It was in the course of a discussion where we talked about a lot of buried history, some old stories, some long-buried issues that rolled to the surface and we put to rest some old bitterness that I had only shortly before figured out how to untangle and let float away.

Mom asked me, specifically, a question that would lead to my outing myself about being involved in kink. Before delving into the deep-end, I let her know that my response to her query would open up some areas of my personal life she might find to be more info than she wanted. She verified sh was in it to win it, and so out of the bag came the cats.

(more…)

Yeah....nope.

When I first became involved in the kink community, I ran into plenty of people who held themselves to a very high standard. Of course, being an overachiever, I did as well. And then I started running into people who branded themselves as “naturals.”

These rarefied few were willing to share about how dominance or submission came “naturally” to them, that it was never a struggle, that every moment was a blissful reverie of sacrosanct, sexy, sensual sublime subbly swooniness.

And I felt pretty shite, because my first relationship didn’t have much of that!

It was a struggle. Not all of it, but enough of the time? I felt I must be barking up the wrong tree because it felt anything but “natural” to do what I wanted to do to get where I THOUGHT I wanted to be.

And then, 13+ years later? I’m trying again. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the interim. And I am a different person.

And I am working to embrace the struggle. (more…)

A little off topic but I was curled up while petsetting today and caught part of “The Wiz” as it was being shown on some cable station or other.  I smiled, because I have rather particular memories around the movie…and I was wistful for a moment, because most of the stars of that movie are no longer among the living.

And if ya don’t believe me, you can at least verify there is some veracity in my claim because the IMdB sez so. Hey if it in teh intertubez, it must be true, dammit.

You can hear the first song on which I sang here

Watch Thelma Carpenter – He’s The Wizard in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

And if you go to Amazon.com, you can hear the “Snow Babies” sequence (it is track number 5) ….that’s me singing, too. That one was tough because, though it is short, it is in a minor and weird key and has an odd rhythm.

There you have it! Yet another interesting chapter from my not uninteresting life.

It is a busy end to a busy year!

My first podcast for Erotic Awakening has hit the ground running!

Sit back, relax, take your socks off, get naked, grab a snack and some lotion and ….er….or just listen to my first installment of The Negress Natters on EA!

Check out EA # 161 ~

Mollena’s Debut!

It is holiday time and all of that shit.  So lotsof you will be lounging around wondering what to do with all of that free time.

Still have some bandwidth…?  (more…)

I have no fucking idea what the hell I’m doing…it seems all I can do to remember to breathe.

Wonderful. You’ve finally understood what has always been true. The breath you are taking right now is all you really ever have.

I’ve been working hard on meditating, and have been less than successful. Several deceptively simple assistive measures revealed themselves to me last month, and I’ve been tentatively experimenting with ‘em. Also being revealed to me of late is a rather shocking amount of information about my internal process that makes me wonder if I am either crazy or so not crazy as to have had a massive breakthrough. I guess we’ll have to see how that works out.

Someone sent me an article MONTHS ago and at that time I thought “That’s a fascinating, powerful meditation.” And today someone sent me the same article I read it and thought “That’s me.”

When 2 different people send you the same bloody piece twice, I think that is [INSERT YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM'S PARADIGM FOR "COINCIDENCE" HERE]and something to which I need to pay attention. Like, for REAL real. Not for play play.

Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea.

~ Julie (JC) Peters

From the article:

 In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

(more…)

 So LilyLoyd posted a response (On FetLife) to my recent post about training. (The same post is here on this blog) As I mentioned in that post, I have had many hours of brainhamster energy spent running around about training in the BDSM and Leather context. What it means, how it is done, what the purpose is, why the fuck people stop thinking past the obvious and surface meaning of the word to see that there can be very fucking profound spiritual, emotional and psychological repercussions…yargh…bark… growl…

Or maybe that’s just me.

Like most of the people I know who I’d consider ethical and who are thoughtful beings, LilyLoyd questions what business she has taking up the responsibility of training someone.

“On the other side of the equation, I’m very reticent about training Holly. Training her to do a random, and ultimately trivial collection of things seems like an insult to our bond. But training that is worth the name would actually change her. And who am I to do that to her?”

My answer was not one I had to ponder.

(more…)

Every once in a while…and believe me, it is rare…I find someone who is able to better express something with which I’ve struggled to find words. Guy Baldwin is certainly someone I consider influential in my thinking when I was first studying and considering accepting my identity as a slave.

I’ve been sitting with some bemusement about the idea of “training,” what it means to various people in the Leather and BDSM communities and most importantly, what it means to me. Turning this question of “What the fuck is training, really?” over and over like a shiny, hard nut.

The superficial use of the word left me wondering what the point of it was, if it had spiritual resonance, and what other taught they were doing when they said they were being “trained.” In my mind training was a kind of “spiritual, mental and emotional topiary.” The master is responsible for taking the growth of the person who is enslaved and guiding them into a shape that honors its inherent life, nature, beauty and intention but is now enhanced by an external hand, an overarching aesthetic. It is extremely personal, deeply spiritual, and quite a commitment. Yet mostly what I see and hear about is how people are trained to do stuff…how to assume the 63 Secret Slavish Postures Of Ultimate Slavitude, how to perform oral sex tricks, etc. (more…)

Today @TheDominantGuy and I had some time to have a phone date. Which I love so very much.  There are still Big Ass Things on the table to discuss and that might have gone down…but the second stage of emotional heavy-lifting didn’t happen. We got to catch up on other stuff. And actually just talk, which is so lovely.

We had a very lively discussion about my rantlet on FetLife, which wound up becoming quite the little discussion, which is cool. (I’ve put it up here for those who aren’t on FetLife) And while he agreed with and understood my point, he reminded me that sometimes? People do find themselves caught off-guard and reacting in ways that might seem inappropriate.

Yeah I know dude but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t bug the shit out of me.

It happens that some submissives, especially if they haven’t experienced that hyper-focused attention from a d-type before, don’t know what else to do. It is instinctive. They just get caught up in the laser-like focus of dominance…

<snort>

What?

 It is also known as poor impulse-control! You CAN maintain…you just CHOOSE not to. 

(more…)

Well, hopefully. I AM going to Chicago. The binding part…well. I have a few leads on friends who might be wiling to tie my up for a bit!