Going to Leather, Kink and BDSM events brings so much to the forefront of my mind. Most impactful are my social anxiety and the pressure I place(d) on myself to excel at everything. To be the best presenter. The most amazing bottom/sub. To be a part of one of the most memorable scenes. Once I realised my perfectionism no longer served me, it initiated a slow process of detachment.
I was thinking about how attached I’d been to the idea of being a hardcore player…an intense masochist. What we in the scene will call a “heavy bottom,” because it met my need to overachieve. Over the years, I went from loving very intense sensations and edgier play to being neutral on these to finally dreading these scenes but still doing them…because I had a reputation to uphold, dammit.But then my sobriety took over. And lying to myself was over. And selfcare took over. And the “Me” who started off enjoying physical intensity evolved to the “Me” who cares less about impressing people than about being who I am…today.
It occurred to me it ain’t just me living inside this deception, and it doesn’t just apply to the dungeon.
Life is Growth and Change. The “You” you are today is not the “You” of your childhood…and probably is not even the “You” of a few years ago. Don’t let your attachment to a previous iteration of “You” frighten you away from your Truth. Don’t let someone else’s attachment to a previous “You” stunt your growth, hold you back, crush your spirit.
Those attached to a previous release can enter download your upgrade or uninstall, clear their cache and get the fuck out.
You’ll find it difficult to accept the beauty of who you are becoming if you hold tight to who you were.
I have nothing to prove to anyone, and everything to gain by letting go of the need to reiterate previous versions of myself so that other folks can feel comfortable while I bleed inside.
Because being your authentic fucking self is edge-play enough, yo.