Dec 212010
 

So once upon a time, I saw someone use a racial epithet I’d never seen before.

I posted about it on FetLife, and on Twitter.

I learned a new racist epithet! Wanna poke one of the Native Peoples of North America in the eye?You can call ‘em “Prairie Spooks!” #EvilLOL

Someone replied about how dumbass that was and compared it to another epithet.

I then replied

OMG! @(anotherTweeter) Dude! I know! I threw my back out laughing! So awful. I ain’t been that amused since I heard the term “Sand Nigger.”

I then got the following “question” on my Formspring account

I saw your post on twitter about the racial slurs. I was quite astounded. You’re on a global stage as a title holder, and frankly, I’m embarrassed.

I read it, re-read it, scratched my head, and responded thusly: Continue reading »

Mar 312010
 

This question on Formspring is interesting to me, but there is no room for discussion there. I’m posting it here, first to see if I can get some bounceback from other folks who struggle with intimacy and emotional availability and secondly because I’m in “Don’t. Get. Attached!” mode with someone with whom  I recently hooked up.  I’m not sure how I feel about the effortlessness of my capacity to compartmentalize and mentally block even the concept of deeper connection with this person…so.

How do you avoid becoming emotionally involved when play and/or aftercare involves sexual elements? by coyotetoo

I am excellent at explaining to myself BEFOREHAND and thoroughly that the person with whom I’m playing is not an appropriate target for such affections. My emotional involvement with people either blindsides me or tends to grow slowly. The blindsides are tougher, but reality checks help to temper that initial blaze of intensity. Sexuality doesn’t immediately evoke emotional connectivity for me. It tends to be the other way around in a BDSM context.

Interestingly, I almost never have BDSM play move to sex. I wouldn’t be able to count above maybe 2 times in the past 10 years where a scene that did not involve my current partner (i.e., a casual play scene) moved on to explicitly sexual sexiness.

The past few times I have approached someone with whom I had played for sex, I was turned down. This shut me off but good against asking for it. I won’t say never but for the time being, I won’t assume / approach / move into a headspace of sex outside of the sexual masochism of a scene.

I would not recommend that as a technique for keeping the emotional connection from moving deeper (assuming that depth is inappropriate.)

I would recommend tracking your emotional response, keeping your sex playful and erotic rather than deep and intense if that depth and intensity is what triggers that connection. Whatever has triggered it in the past, avoid. Keep a hold of the affection, the caring, the friendship aspects of the encounter, let the sex be sexy, but if emotional involvement is off the table, you have to steel yourself to that.

And now I’ll unravel all of that to say this: avoid avoiding emotional intimacy.

What a rare gift it is when you feel that connection. Stifling that is a real disservice to life, the universe, and everything. You may well suffocate a flame that could burn and illuminate a heretofore unknown corner of your heart.

Feb 092010
 

follow SilverDaydreams on Twitter!

I’m always a little “!!!?!?!?!?” when people mention, quote or talk about me in their writings.  But it makes all the gut-wrenching puling moaning and late night Waaaaaaaaaambulance calls worth it, if someone else can share in it with me.

My entree to sex was awesome: I was 15, he was 18, we fucked all the time, eventually became a triad for a while, had kinky sex games….win.  My entree into BDSM was awesome. I had a love-at-first-sight star-studded multi-city romance with a sexy musician who changed my perception and I eventually came out kinky in to the bosom of the crème de la crème of the BDSM community.

Not all stories are like mine. Continue reading »

Jan 202010
 

Q: What tips do you think all submissives need to hear, in your experience?

from formspring.me … courtesy of Nadia West

Take. Your. Time.
BDSM isn’t going anywhere. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and waiting is just fine. Plunging in headfirst is awesome, until it isn’t. Think of it this way: sure, the first dominant who wants to tie you up and beat you might be awesome. But the 9th dominant you meet might be a better match, and if the first one puts you off your path, or is a jerk, and you say “Wow, I wish I’d waited until I had more time to vet people!” you can’t undo that shit.

Trust Your Gut.
Being kinky shouldn’t reset a lifetime of experiences. If something doesn’t feel right, and you hear “OH, but that’s just how it is done!” then fuck how it is done. You are here to get your needs met, not to walk blindly into something just because someone else says it is so.

Make friends.
Make friends with other submissives. Make friends with switches. Make friend with tops and doms. And I mean platonic friends. People who aren’t out to get in your pants. Folks you can trust for feedback, who are connected in the community, who don’t have ulterior motives for telling you things that might not be in your best interest.

Read everything with a grain of salt.
I don’t care who the fuck said it or wrote it. Continue reading »

Dec 302009
 

From Formspring…

Q: When a relationship ends, what is the best approach for moving on and regaining self, things that you lost while in that relationship?

A: This is so mutable.

(Which is OK. Gemini’s a mutable sign. I’m good)

The circumstances of the relationship have EVERYTHING to do with the breakup.

  • How long was the relationship?
  • How amicable was the breakup?
  • How was the breakup itself handled?
  • How respectfully are you treating one another in the aftermath?
  • Were children or other significant others involved?

Etc etc  etc.

Continue reading »

Dec 232009
 

Putting up a kink-related Q&A from Formspring.me. Wanna see your question posted on my blog? Ask me now! I respond to all of ‘em and questions that nudge me or seem to resonate for folks will make it here :-)

Do you have any advice for people who are new to public scenes/BDSM in general?

Oh gosh. How about a lucky seven things off of the top of my head…? Continue reading »

Dec 182009
 
It is OK to be in the closet. Some of the best toys are there.

It is OK to be in the closet. Some of the best toys are there.

This new Formspring thing is pretty amazing. I’ve been blessed with some amazing questions, and have seen some wonderful answers to questions I’ve asked. One in particular has been resonating for many people, so I wanted to post it here.

I’m coming (painfully) out of my first relationship that had a true BDSM element, but my kink is a very private one. I’m not poly, I don’t think I’d enjoy playing in public, and the whole “scene” idea terrifies me. But it’s very much a part of who I am, and this relationship has opened whole new parts of my heart and mind. However, leaving this relationship is scaring the hell out of me because I’m afraid I’ll never again be able to find someone who is content with BDSM in our private life, but not in public and with dozens of play partners. I feel hopeless and scared. Advice?

Continue reading »