I will be at the Sh! Women’s Store on May 15th, 16th & 17th teaching three classes and would love to see you there!

There will be copies of Playing Well With Others for sale, as well as copies ofToybag Guide: Playing With Taboo and I will also have DVDs of my talks on Submission as I recorded them for Kink Academy!

I also offer private coaching, mentoring and Kink Counseling sessions, about which you can read here. Please contact me directly if interested in scheduling one while I am in London!Negotiation for the Hopelessly Shy and Terribly Awkward

With Mollena Williams: £20
Class Date: Wednesday 15th May 2013
Time: 6:45pm for 7-8.30pm class
Venue: Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium, 57 Hoxton Square, London N1 6PB
Tel: 020 7613 5458

This class is for Women, Gents & Couples. This class is open to women & couples of all genders and sexual orientations.

Please note: Tickets are not physically issued for this event. Instead, upon purchase, your name will be added to our guest list and you will receive confirmation by email.

Negotiation of scenes can be tough on people who are adept at bargaining, expressing their needs, wants, and desires. So how is this gauntlet to be run by those of us perverts who are super shy or kind of awkward when it comes to saying “I need…” or “I won’t…” or giving the dreaded “No.” ??

Join Mollena Williams, Closeted Shy Freak ™ as she shares some techniques that can help even the most awkward kinkster battle their own personal hurdles and insure that your needs are met, your expectations expressed more clearly, and that your scenes are satisfying for all parties! Bring your questions (jot ‘em down if you are too shy to ask!) and we’ll brainstorm ways to help you on your own journey to openness, clear communication and awesomeness!

Mollena Williams identifies as a selective submissive, feminist, power slave, masochist, educator and Executive Pervert. Sexually liberated since her first high school relationship where she explored polyamory and openly kinky since 1993, she travels the world speaking to the kinky and the kink-curious on topics ranging from the basics of negotiation to extreme “edge-play.”

This class will help introduce you to some of the groundwork you may wish to undertake before diving into rough sex and kinky fun! We will look at ways to examine your own desires and motivations, negotiating for success, striving for emotional safety, and advice about some of the challenges you may well encounter in your play. Come explore in a safe and relaxed conversation, bring your questions and curiosities and leave you inhibitions at the door!

• In line with the store’s female focus we ask that single guys come along with a female friend.

Role-Playing: Using Your Head to Get Out of Your Body!

With Mollena Williams: £20

Class Date: Thursday 16th May 2013
Time: 6:45pm for 7-8.30pm class
Venue: Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium, 57 Hoxton Square, London N1 6PB
Tel: 020 7613 5458
This class is for Women, Gents & Couples. This class is open to women & couples of all genders and sexual orientations.

Please note: Tickets are not physically issued for this event. Instead, upon purchase, your name will be added to our guest list and you will receive confirmation by email.

Although every child is an expert, as adults we frequently forget how to pretend, play “make-believe” and lose yourself in a story. Sure, you might have the hot fantasy of being an abducted princess or a captured spy, but how do you get past your day-to-day thought process and into to the spirit of this, one of the purest forms of play? How can you dissolve your ego into another character, and what do you do if you just wind up feeling pretty silly?

In this class, we will discuss techniques for planning, negotiating and executing role-playing scenes, and how to boost your “other” energy. You’ll have a chance to play some games, to watch some play, and to let yourself go.

Join long-time practitioner of Kink, BDSM and member of the Leather Community Mollena Williams, who identifies as a selective submissive, feminist, power slave, masochist, educator and Executive Pervert. Sexually liberated since her first high school relationship where she explored polyamory and openly kinky since 1993, she travels the world speaking to the kinky and the kink-curious on topics ranging from the basics of negotiation to extreme “edge-play.”

This class will help introduce you to some of the groundwork you may wish to undertake before diving into rough sex and kinky fun! We will look at ways to examine your own desires and motivations, negotiating for success, striving for emotional safety, and advice about some of the challenges you may well encounter in your play. Come explore in a safe and relaxed conversation, bring your questions and curiosities and leave you inhibitions at the door!

• In line with the store’s female focus we ask that single guys come along with a female friend.

Beyond ’50 Shades of Grey’ – Dominance and Submission in a Technicolor World.

With Mollena Williams: £20

Class Date: Friday 17th May 2013
Time: 6:45pm for 7-8.30pm class
Venue: Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium, 57 Hoxton Square, London N1 6PB
Tel: 020 7613 5458

This class is for Women, Gents & Couples. This class is open to women & couples of all genders and sexual orientations.

Please note: Tickets are not physically issued for this event. Instead, upon purchase, your name will be added to our guest list and you will receive confirmation by email.

Have you fantasized about rough sex, about taking control of your lover, about relinquishing yourself to the will of a partner, about the intersection of pain and pleasure? Do you long to experience the sensuality of bondage, or perhaps the emotional thrill of role-playing? Perhaps you’ve had these fantasies for your entire life and had no idea such wild fantasies could ever be manifested.

It could be you’ve read some hot fiction and thought “Yes. This, this is what I need!” It may well be you’ve been too cautious or hesitant to explore them because you’ve been taught “Only abusers hit people!” or “If you’re submissive you are an emotional doormat.” or “People who engage in BDSM are damaged and emotionally unsafe.”

Join long-time practitioner of Kink, BDSM and member of the Leather Community Mollena Williams, who identifies as a selective submissive, feminist, power slave, masochist, educator and Executive Pervert. Sexually liberated since her first high school relationship where she explored polyamory and openly kinky since 1993, she travels the world speaking to the kinky and the kink-curious on topics ranging from the basics of negotiation to extreme “edge-play.”

This class will help introduce you to some of the groundwork you may wish to undertake before diving into BDSM, ways to examine your own desires and motivations, finding and flirting with potential partners, negotiating for success, and advice about some of the challenges my may well encounter in your journey. Come explore in a safe and relaxed conversation, bring your questions and curiosities and leave you inhibitions at the door!

Find out more about Mollena Williams at her website here!

This class is open to women & couples of all genders and sexual orientations.

• In line with the store’s female focus we ask that single guys come along with a female friend.

I was able to attend the International Ms Leather contest last week and for the main event, I did myself up in my pony garb. I am still getting used to showing up places in that character, and it took me quite a while to get comfortable with that facet of my kink.

I am not sure I am still entirely comfortable.

But what is life as a pervert for if not growing and challenging what it means to be a fully realized sexual creature?

have some pony gear, and I do enjoy the look and feel of it. Last winter when I was in London, my dear friend Patti, who was also visiting from the US, took me out to the theater. And then took me out to Harrods, where she gifted me with some pony accouterment.

One is a stiff, bristly brush. This show crop I am holding in this photo is the other.

It has not been used yet…I did, however, stumble across it as I was repacking my suitcase. It is beautiful…bouncy yet firm. And tightly stitched in leather, capped with tidy silver ends.

I haven’t yet had the opportunity to have either the crop or the brush incorporated into a scene, but perhaps soon…I will be in Sweden where Mistress Rebecca Wilcox will be delighted to see Oracle again. And I’ll also be in London, conducting a few classes. Perhaps I will bring Oracle along there, too, and see if anyone might be interested in meeting Oracle. I do love finding the strange headspace of animal role-play…and I  have been told she is quite charming!

Happy Sinday!

Yeah, I’d pull that apart in about 90 seconds. But it IS pretty!

I was contacted recently by award-winning journalist Alexis Stodghill, writing from an MSNBC e-mail address and on the staff of TheGrio.com. She asked me if I’d be interested in answering a few questions about BDSM, specifically race play, since I’d been quoted in a column that is getting a whole lot of talk and that touches on that topic. The column, a response to a letter sent to Abiola Abrams, hit on the critical issue of consent and boundaries in relationships. The most important thing, from my perspective as someone who speaks and teaches about consensual BDSM, was that the fact that some people do consent to edgy role-playing in a CONSENSUAL manner was addressed in Ms. Abram’s response.

Ms. Stodghill, seeing the resultant discussion, decided to ask me to expand on the topic. Yep yep, I was hesitant. The Black community is just starting to have more open discussion about sex, and to zipline right into dissecting a type of play that even some  jaded, hardened perverts won’t tough with a fen foot bullwhip and that incites completely understandable visceral reactions from the majority of people is…daunting. To say the least.

I wrote a response and hoped for the best. The full text of my answers to the questions is here.

 I am most gratified to see that very difficult topics are starting to hit more mainstream media outlets with a careful, respectful, nuanced perspective rather than the easy and obvious take on BDSM and Alternative Sexuality. I am very grateful that Ms. Stodghill deftly handled this difficult topic, and if you appreciated her reportage, please consider letting her know so on Twitter or on Facebook.  We take small steps towards releasing shame and gaining understanding, small steps every day. These discussions are steps in an amazing direction, leading us closer to the place where we don’t have to live in fear of losing jobs, friends, family, being shunned by those we thought were friends because we live and love differently. May we continue to walk forward.

Unspeakable Axe runs the Masocast, and I am delighted to have been invited to sit and chat with him for a while! We recorded it in… December, I think? My memory isn’t awesome and I don’t care all that much…at least not enough to so dig around in my Google calendar and scritch it up!

It was wonderful chatting with him. Intelligent, thoughtful, smart, funny…these are all things that have been said about me, and I am sure they apply to him, too. Fuckin’ with ya, man!

I had a wonderful time visiting and I’d love to have a rematch somewhere down the line…there are always more adventures to share!

Enjoy!

Her: So, who IS TheDominantGuy, really?
Me: His actual fake name is [REDACTED]
Her: OhMyGod I met him at ___ a few years back! [Insert titillating recounting of a fairly standard smoking hot TheDominantGuy breathless encounter] He’s really hot…
Me:I wouldn’t argue with that.
Her:…aaaand this probably isn’t making you feel any better.
Me:  No, but its a familiar owie.

It is funny how you can have a shared experience, a moment that seems like a funny passing coincidence and then it has an oddly deeper resonances. I mean, hey, it is a small subgroup, the kink / Leather / BDSM/ swinger / AltSex / Tantra wide world umbrella, right? We are bound to have people in common. And I don’t mind it, except, sometimes, I do.

And I wish it didn’t feel so strange to me to have people I know having had intimate moments with people with whom I have been intimate. But, it is. The friends I tend to play with tend to be prolific in their love and appreciation of the pleasures of the flesh. Or they’re just really slutty. Some days, I wish I were back in one of my sluttier phases. Enjoying playing and fucking and not limiting myself by needing to have deeper connection in order to get it. That would be cool…wouldn’t it?

Because right now I’m a little icy and cold with the loneliness thing. Which is ironic, because I am surrounded by so, so much love and warmth and awesomeness.

And I am grateful for it, because it keeps me from freezing over.

While she was describing how one might use the voice to seduce, I thought about how perception of one’s own voice often varies from the reality of others. This is a science problem- we will not ever be able to hear our own voices as others hear it, because the speakers we carry in our skulls and ears will not have the emotional fidelity that hearing the voice of another carries. Add to that I am hyper-critical and hear each and every pitch break and plosive and slippery lisp whereas others give that shit a miss and just listen, and you’ll have a clue what is going on in my head and why it confuses me when people say they find my voice pleasing or sexy or what have you.

I realized though that the people who have triggered, in me, very visceral submissive responses all have had their first incursion via some particularly telling moment where they conveyed, in whispers and growls and lilting accents, their will, their lust, their desire, their curiosity, and that brought me to my knees.  Once surprisingly, once quite literally, and once a bit reluctantly but inexorably. I remembered these people as pivotal people in my life, and how the mere recollection of the texture and flavor of their voices excited bittersweet memories. Of submission, of new and unimagined explorations, of surprising yielding.

The problem I have when I remember things is, if I am not highly vigilant, my head and heart will be pulled right back to the moment of which I‘m thinking.  And as I remembered the man who would become my first dominant whispering in my ear just before I found myself kneeling at his feet in a haze of confused and heretofore unimagined desire… as I remembered the British musician’s grosgrain smoky voice breaking with a barely contained sexual aggression that defeated every defense I had, to the memory of The Dominant Guy cornering me in an alcove in a hallway at a kink event and within 90 seconds my blurred vision and babbling tongue giving lie to the idea I’d had any control in that situation, and my heart squeezed a bit. I missed that. The control that can be exerted without lifting a finger…how I long for and miss that connection.

Scant moments later, my cell phone vibrated silently in my knapsack by my feet and as I looked down to see what was up, my guts twisted. I’d received a text from The Dominant Guy at that very moment. Now, yes, it has been a little while since we parted ways. And no, it was hardly acrimonious. And, in fact, and perhaps tellingly, we had very recently been at the same event and spoken here and there between classes. And the worst part of it? The fact there was nothing surprising about the seeming coincidence of his message arriving when I was thinking about him. That was par for the course while we were together. Since then, I’ve spent so much time trying to dig up the emotional kudzu of the network of connectivity left behind in the aftermath of the dissolution of that relationship.

Apparently, it isn’t all gone.

Apparently, it may never be.

I still have the very sweet memories of the voices of those who have commanded me living in my heart. Bittersweet to not, this is an issue I cannot stamp out by simply trying to deny that I have these resonating in my heart.  I would not wish to erase them, even if there were some “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ scenario that could facilitate that. And while I do have the faith that there will again resonate in my head the voice that brings me to my knees and silences all of the others in my head with its calm, sweet command and unswerving resolve.

But I digress.

So, The Grio is seeing this huge blowup about this column, they see me being all “No, you guys, sometimes it is OK.” And so they were all “So, race play. Tell us about that.”

!!!!!!!!

<deep breath>

OK. I’ll try. Again

I wrote as well as I could, and I doubt the’ll run my replies unedited. In the interest of journalistic integrity and shit, I’m posting the whole of what I wrote so that, if something is lost in translation, (or oft-necessary brutal editorial brutality) there will be a record of all I shared.

Q & A for The Grio (complete)

1.In a recent Essence relationship column, a black woman who married a white man was shocked to find that her husband liked to use racial slurs during sex. Many users in comments about the piece have commented that “race play” is actually a common form of sexual expression among people interested in exploring fantasies. Can you explain to our audience what that is?

While there is no one set definition, for the purposes of discussion and when I conduct lectures on the topic, I describe it as follows:

“Race Play” is a form of consensual sexual role-playing in which the actual, perceived or assumed racial / ethnic / national identities of the participants is specifically the focus of the scene. Race play can include the fetishization of a specific racial feature, (skin color, hair texture, facial features, etc.) it might incorporate an assumption of supremacy based on race, and it sometimes even delves into troubling aspects of bigotry and privilege manifested in base racial slurs and exploitative scenarios.

There is often an assumption that the “dominant culture” is always the one taking the “oppressor” role in race play scenarios. That simply isn’t true. Anyone can be the aggressor, and some race play scenarios are heady “revenge fantasies” against the institutionally advantaged, privileged individual. Race play can run the gamut from subtle to horrific. A scene could be something as subtle as people of the same ethnicity engaging in a teasing one-upmanship because the other is “lighter / darker” and incorporate the conflict of intraracial politics. It could be as horrific as re-creating the interrogation of an Iraqi prisoner by a racist US Marine Corps officer that then turns to an explicitly sexual scenario. Truth is, these fantasies might or might not be fodder for our day-to-day fantasies. Most of us have, at some time or another, had a thought – even if it is fleeting and quickly quashed – about a sexual desire that is disturbing or unsettling. Those who choose to engage in consensual sex that explores taboo scenarios will, sometimes, choose to plumb the depths of these fantasies in order to titillate, to explore, and to see how they react in high-stakes situations. I’ve discovered some truths about myself I might not have encountered had I not chosen to explore these types of scenes. I’ve seen where I am able to be strong, and seen where my spirit was bruised. I’ve re-created scenarios from my life and experienced, and “flipped the script” so as to gain some measure of closure. Racism and bigotry and the pain they engender are real. But now often do we have the ironic opportunity to consent to and control our own pain? I have discovered that consenting to small amounts of pain and abuse and suffering is like an inoculation of my soul against the pandemic of hatred. That controlled dose can be a spiritual inoculation: I emerge from these journeys with a newfound faith in my own strength, a new sense of resilience and powerful resolve.

2. The letter makes it clear that the woman is not happy that her husband uses slurs during sex. How did it happen that they married without her knowing that he might have this sexual interest? Can you discuss the need for openness and clarity between all couples regarding sexual matters? Do you think this is even more important for interracial couples?

In the letter, the author indicates the proposal happened within six months of the relationship beginning. That is a very rapid turnaround for a lifetime commitment. It begs the question if they even engaged in sexual activity before they married. If they chose to wait until they married to have sex, the fact is his desire to participate in racial humiliation likely wouldn’t have come up in casual conversation. If one is going to wait until marriage to have sex, I feel it is exceedingly critical to have many frank talks about your needs, wants and desires. Sexual compatibility is a critical function in a marriage for most people, and having a surprise as disturbing as this obviously is to the author is one reason people who choose premarital abstinence may opt for extended engagements so that these issues can be explored. If it was the case that they did engage in premarital sex, it might be that he was holding back this particular facet of his desires because he was reluctant to “scare her off.”

If you are committing to spend the rest of your life with someone, honest and open communication about your sexuality is something to ignore at your own peril – and the peril of your relationship. Some folks wish for sexual contact every day of the week. For others, once a month is fine. Both of those levels of frequency are reasonable. But put those two people in a marriage and suddenly the do-it-once-a-month person becomes a frigid prude and the do-it-every-day person becomes a wanton slut. Those things aren’t true, but perception and desire absolutely need to be aligned in order to have a successful sex life.

As a kinky person, I have learned to take a deep breath and explain as much as I can about my desires when first getting to know a potential partner. People who are involved in BDSM routinely and frequently negotiate “scenes:” which are encounters that can include all sorts of kinky sex. We take in stride the discussion of “Yesses” and ‘No’s’ and boundaries and limits to what we will and will not do. Though it can be awkward, it helps to minimize the risk of mismatched intentions and desires. This would be a great tactic for non-kink identified people to embrace! Talk it out. If you are too shy to talk, write an e-mail. But get it out there.

Interracial couples are often coming from divergent backgrounds when it comes to traditions of dating and mating. When I was younger and beginning to explore my sexuality, I remember some distinctly racial and cultural divides between my friends when it came to sex. Most of my Black girlfriends though oral sex was “nasty” and “dirty” and something freaky white folks did, while my white girlfriends saw it as a great way to get off without risking pregnancy. Talking about your sexuality not only in terms of your personal experiences, but also within the framework of your racial and cultural experience can open up whole new realms of communication that can engage mutual compassion and expanded understanding. Traditional gender roles, the use of sexual aggression, and the role of sex within a relationship are things that can have distinctly different flavors depending on one’s culture, ethnicity and heritage. Sharing on that level can foster understanding and minimize damaging missteps.

3. Many readers and commenters on this letter have stated that there is no way a white man who says these types of things to his black female partner can really love or respect her. In your experience, is this truly the case? Can you explain to readers that it is possible for love and mutual respect to co-exist in a relationship in with race play is desired by both parties?

Love and respect is not guaranteed by avoiding certain modes of speech, nor is it obviated by the presence of seemingly hateful speech. One of the most remarkable things I have found about exploring uncomfortable sexual fantasies is that it takes an enormous amount of trust, love and respect simply to share these fantasies. MOST people will never explore them, because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of seeming abusive, fear of seeming emotionally damaged, fear of losing their partner. By acknowledging, sharing and exploring these deeply taboo desires, we trust each other to listen, to take an enormous risk, and to “go there.” When partners consensually, mutually agree to wade into these deep waters, they are trusting that the other does truly desire this activity, and that they will be respected on the other side of that intense journey. The person taking on the “oppressor” role is not exempt of risk. A white person coming at their Black partner with racial slurs without mutual negotiation, consent, and ongoing assent risks, at the very least, alienating their partner in a way that is potentially irreversible. I contend that it takes a fearless heart to manifest these fearsome desires. Respect also means respecting the difficult and complex reality of our sexual desires. When I respect my desires enough to share them with a partner, and they respect me enough to risk massive emotional fallout in the name of mutual sexual gratification, the resultant explorations can lead to unsurpassed intimacy.

I cannot stress enough the absolute need for consent on ALL sides of this equation. Without consent, without a strong affirmative from ALL involved parties, this moves from the realm of edgy role-play to abuse. Straight up, end of story, no compromise. Love and respect can look like a hug and a kiss, a bow and a curtsy, or inescapable bondage and brutal words. What is vital – what is real – is the love and consent and respect that embraces ALL of who we are, not just the easy parts.

Fierce!

I am sure my Mother will be tickled. We used to love reading Essence. As a kid, it was amazing to see a magazine that was for Black people that had Black models looking beautiful and talked about our lives. All-around Sensuality Guru Abiola Abrams does a column for them,(which is, apparently, cross-syndicated to Huffington Post!) and she quoted me in it.

Peep it here!

I think Ms. Abrams’ response is spot-on. Fact is? This woman is in a situation where she is being emotionally abused beyond the limits of her consent. It is INSANELY effed up. I know love is powerful and shit but if someone I loved were THAT thick, that callous, and that dismissive about respecting my boundaries I’d be the fuck outtie and sue his ass for emotional abuse. I bet that would learn him something about buying people. No matter how far from the mainstream we might swim in order to fulfil our fantasies or explore kinky, twisted sex, we sure as hell had best be swimming in a stream of ongoing consent, assent and explicit permission. Otherwise…yeah. Straight fucked up. End of story.

It is still kinda funny to me to see my name cropping up with increasing frequency here and there in mainstream media news outlets. HOWEVER, this is a deeper and more subtle clue that the discussion of kink & BDSM is creeping toward a more nuanced level of discourse. It would be easy for a sex columnist – especially one writing for a magazine targeted towards the Black American demographic – to dismiss this whole situation as horrible and worthy of scorn. But the fact that Ms. Abrams saw the opportunity to disambiguate between sexualized racial play and what this woman’s husband is doing – which is non-con emotional abuse, IMO – isDEEPLY gratifying to see.

Go pervs!

“Big P” is also a pleasure to behold, no?

One of my friends who is also, secretly, someone I adore without boundary is Patrick Mulcahey. Not only is he one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met on pretty much any topic involving Leather and BDSM, he’s also someone who walks the walk and talks the talk and steps up to the plate on many issues that other Leatherfolk decline to address. While I will never, ever forget how he took a stand, unlike so many other gay white Leathermen, in the face of the flagrant racist blackface act that was booked at the Portland Eagle. I won’t forget that, even as hundreds of other Leathermen belittled those of us who pointed out the hateful underpinnings of this act, he not only spoke to he spoke to his peers, calling out some pretty ugly truths.

Over the years, Patrick and I have had conversations about our lives, and about Leather, and about power exchange and so when I learned that he was doing a keynote at a Leather convention known for a very strong Master / Slave presence, and even more specifically aligned to certain beliefs that have become cannon on the M/S community, I was intrigued. And then I was hopeful that he might actually step up and share some of the more troubling realities of modern consensual m/s relationships  And, of course, he did not disappoint.

Below I am, with Mr. Mulcahey’s permission, posting the complete text of his speech. I cant read it without goosebumps and tears an…well.  A broad palate of emotional reactions.

I’ll be talking, a bit more, in another post, about my own struggles and thoughts on love within the Master / Slave dynamic. I have very strong opinions on this topic…and my opinions don’t  align with the social climate of  ”slaves are property and love will spoil, degrade and denigrate the purity of the master / slave relationship.” I have some very dear friends on all sides of this debate. And they’ve come to their own conclusions based on their experience, and their desires. It is less comforting to know that many come into the community see how others behave, and simply pick up on those beliefs without examining the level of resonance that they carry personally.

I invite you to read Mr. Mulcahey’s words, see where they resonate, and open your heart for a few minutes.