Salt.

I wrote about you again, btw

I know.

I see!

Do you now?

Well, yes, and this is me trying not to do the sad puppy eager for approval thing. I feel pathetic enough as it is

There is no reason to feel ashamed of desiring positive acknowledgement from me.

I was going to comment earlier but I got busy

I suppose there isn’t any shame in it. but it whiffs of neediness and I still have trouble with needing when I know there is an imbalance.

And the imbalance isn’t in the obvious power dynamic. The imbalance comes in my perception of and struggle with the idea of needing someone else. I really do not like feeling as though I need the approval and attention of others. But I absolutely do.

 

I am not one of those people who thrives and feels equally fulfilled when outside of the bounds of relationships. Yes, I am at heart introverted but I am the breed of introvert who warily, needfully ventures outside of the defensive safety of my walled compound to scavenge, beg and earn the needed food of approbation, acknowledgement, adoration, affection and attention from others. Without it I atrophy. A lifetimes as a performer underscores this. Chicken or egg, the question of whether or not this developed under the glare of being a performer since I could talk or whether the constant stream of attention addicted me early.

 

Needing someone who doesn’t need you feels pathetic, right? SO it stands to reason if i need to hear those praisewords and get that verbal rub on the chin I am at a disadvantage. Basically, I’m stuck waiting around until I hear the magic words that make everything worthwhile.

 

But…no. I live a full life. I have an embarrassment of riches in terms of wonderful supportive feedback. I give quite a bit of myself and in return? I am acknowledged, and I am seen by people who appreciate who I am.

 

But still? Sometimes? It isn’t enough.

 

The above exchange left me chewing in the edge of yet another quandary. The Dominant Guy doesn’t sit around waiting for me to acknowledge something he’s done. Why the fuck am I hunkered down pawing for his attention and approval? Why isn’t it enough to have it from myself? From others?

 

Well, but it IS. It IS and it is NOT.

 

This bothered me all morning. In the shower, as I worked on emails, calendaring, I wondered how I could feel full yet want more. Selfishness? Bottomless pit syndrome? No. NO no.

 

I couldn’t find the analogy that hit me just right. I do well with analogies, they are the fulcrum I use to move mental blocks when I find myself at impasse. And this one was eluding. me. How is it possible to sit at a table, to have all of this bounty, and still want more…?

 

The it turned over, and I saw it. I realized that the nourishment I need in the form of this acknowledgement isn’t one monolithic object. it IS like food. We speak of feeding the ego. And, in a healthy ego, the food is healthy. Self-acceptance, willingness to accept both praise and criticism, yet remain in yourself, these are things that feed a healthy ego.

 

For me, the affirmations from others feed me. That people can see who I am is my soul’s food. And not all food is created equal. You’ve had that experience before, I think. You’ve had a dish, a sauce, a something that hit your palate and still…didn’t work. It might fill you. It might be enough to keep you going but something is missing. I could eat a plate of spaghetti with a side of spinach and a slice of lean chicken. But if these are given to me without salt, without flavoring, without the carefully blended underpinning of seasoning, herbs, things that bring out subtle flavor, they simply won’t be as satisfying. While there are people who prefer the blandest of bland foods, for many people the intricacies of flavoring, the pinch of salt, six threads of precious saffron, are what makes a pot of boiled rice a dish to be savored.

 

I work hard and give of myself so that I may be heard, so that I can receive the needed satisfaction of connecting, one-by-one, with people who understand what I am sharing. A wave of approbation is something to be appreciated but the lingering hug from someone who you’re moved to tears, a thoughtful note from someone who took the time to say “Yeah, me too, you’re not alone.” is the flavor that gives savor to my life.

 

I need to have compassion for the part of me that needs to have that seasoning in my life. It IS OK for me to need. And if that need is not met, i will certainly not go wanting. I will not lack for nourishment. And eventually, I’ll get that spice, that zest, that pinch of salt that I need to hit that deep down craving and assuage the hunger so that I may be satisfied.

 

I have to acknowledge that the attention, affection and approval I get from someone towards whom I feel submissive has a power orders of magnitude stronger than the approbation of strangers and distant friends. It cuts through doubt and LANDS. I can’t wave it off with a modesty born of my inability to accept the very praise I need to live. Ironic to need praise and yet sometimes be unable to digest it. There ain’t no Lactaid for Acceptance Intolerance. Sometimes I will get so much positive input it doesn’t even land for me. But when it comes from him? It settles everything down. I can truly absorb, digest, metabolize and integrate the energy that I am having reflected back towards me.

 

SO, yeah. Needy? Yes, I need.

 

And what sneaks into the corner of my mind is that maybe…just maybe…he needs to be the sort of person who guides me towards these discoveries. Crazy thought, but maybe, this fulfills a need in him as well. A symbiosis of energies that work out well for all involved parties. And either way? I grow, I’m full. I’m satisfied.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

4 Comments

  1. Sunshine Love on May 12, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    Yeah, me too, you’re not alone.



    • mollena on May 14, 2011 at 2:03 PM

      ;-) funny how the more personal something feels the more universal it actually is…



  2. bailey on May 13, 2011 at 3:06 AM

    I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this for quite some time. Because I’m surviving on “plain rice” and I constantly tell myself that’s it’s unhealthy to depend on others for happiness. I’m quite content, but joy is so very rare. This at least puts it in words that begin to make sense.



    • mollena on May 14, 2011 at 2:02 PM

      I get it. I think that there is a difference between a dependence that hinders savoring what you have, or enjoying alternatives and a dependence that fulfills a need. Enjoying a good life and the happiness you have is healthy. I also think that acknowledging that there are some situations that attain that level where superlatives are apt is important, too.

      much love

      Mo