Dec 042011
 

 

I am just rambling a bit…I have a great deal on my heart and on my mind but the process is still in process and lots of it really is a bit more personal than can be dissected in the public forum of blogs and such. But I have to write something, and I’m a compulsive sharer, and this way I can further procrastinate on real work while pretending to be productive. :-)

 

Sometimes, relationships are rough. Sometimes we make choices that have blowback that is more substantial than we expect, and then ya just gotta step back and pick the shrapnel from your face. Blah blah blah, I’ll have a McYadda with cheese, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.

 

Let us just say I’m looking at and chewing on some challenging emotional shit these days.

 

Today was a day with a bunch of emotional push-and-pull, heavy lifting, you know, the fun stuff. Its kind of funny when part of the Thing That Needs To Be Hashed Out involves the very core of relationshit, and that’s communication. I’m a big fan of the stuff. And it really is all you’ve got in terms of glue when you are doing long-distance relationships. So when that communication stream becomes an issue? You’ve gotta talk about it. And you’ve gotta make time for that. But what if the dwindling, finite resource of time in which we can make communication happens is at the root of the turbulence…? Yeah. Catch-22 caliber funtimes.

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Nov 152011
 

My beautiful, terrible demon.

I hadn’t cried like that in a long, long time. Crying is something I usually do for very short bursts, then it ebbs. Maybe a minute? Tops. And then I have done what I needed to do and can either sit with the emotion or start to recover from whatever triggered the collapse.

But this was way, way past that. I needed to cry so hard it wore me the fuck out. Because I could sense if I didn’t go balls-out on a good session of sobbing I’d be having random outbursts for an indefinite period of time and I sure as fuck didn’t have time for that.

The evening before, I’d had a conversation with The Dominant Guy that started out well. Very well, in fact. he was giving me direction regarding writing he wanted me to do. I was pleased because this is stuff we’ve had on the table for a while now, so I was glad to get a handle on it. But I felt oddly guarded and kind of off balance. I chalked it up to the fact that everything has been off-balance of late, we haven’t been communicating with as much consistency and life in general has been full of Stuff & Whatnot.
In the midst of the conversation there was a switchback, where I had to get some check-in and I’ve written a bit about what that was like.

The part that was only thinly referenced was what motivated the insane crying jag that erupted the next morning.

Now…in being involved with poly people, one has to assume that, well, they’re gonna do what poly people do and have other people in their lives. In the case of my being involved with The Dominant Guy, the mitigating circumstance, for me, was that the preexisting conditions in his life were known quantities to me. Wife, check. Girlfriend, check. Play-partners, check. According to the job-openings on his profile, he was looking for a slave.
So technically…technically? Logically? There was no reason for me to have a fuse lit when he told me that he and Mrs. TheDominantGuy were opening up discussion about again having someone in service to them.
Logically? Non-starter.
Emotionally however…holy shit.
Continue reading »

Sep 292011
 

Relax. Its a cake.

I was nonplussed to find myself trailing along…again…trying to keep up with The  DominantGuy which is a challenge on a slow day and OMFG! WTF!! SMH… on a busy day. And I turned around and he’d vanished, again. And I’m standing there, feeling at loose ends. Waiting. Again.

 

Much of being in service is of course, waiting. For orders. For answers. For time. To be seen. To be praised. To be corrected. For calm. And I am much better about being patient than I was when I was first in service. But this time things are very, very different. Expectations are clearer, communication is better, I’m more present, and less fearful.

 

Except when I get the scent of abandonment. Then it becomes seriously problematic. I have what feels like very mild low-level panic attacks when gears shift faster than I am able to parse. If I am unable to keep up with him, and he goes about his business, I get fish out of water gasping floppy panicky and that is NOT ME! I am strong, I am invincible…I am…I am a mess. Continue reading »

Sep 272011
 

Strong Slaves, Bodacious Bottoms & Ass-Kicking Submissives:
Embracing Dichotomy

 

Tuesday, October 04, 2011
8:00 PM to 10:00 PM
SF Citadel, 1277 Mission Street, SF, CA
$20.00
dress code: whatever makes you happy
Presented by Mollena (Mo) Williams

 

Self-identification is difficult for anyone in the alternative lifestyle. It can be even more challenging for people who see themselves as strong in their lives but desirous of submission. There is a great deal of pressure in the BDSM community to “seem submissive,” so what do you do when you see yourself as strong and fierce and yet crave mastery and domination?

 

 

Believe me, you are not alone. There are many submissives and bottoms and slaves who are strong and independent and finding their way through the maze of the Kink Community! This class is an intense discussion of self-assessment personal identification, passion and power. From those who struggle with their desire to submit, to those who strive for greater strength of purpose, this class will be a wonderful opportunity to bond with the like-minded and suss out your strength in an open setting. And for tops dominants and masters, this is an excellent opportunity to get into the mind of those who are strong and embrace the dichotomy of strength in submission and freedom in slavery!

 

Sep 202011
 
You know what's fucking sexy? Enlightenment. That's what.

“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” ~Buddha

As a submissive – someone who prefers relationships where there is a mutually beneficial unequal power dynamic – I have done quite a bit of self-exploration around my needs and desires. And as someone who seeks out a master / slave relationship – a relationship where one human secedes power and control over themselves on an ongoing basis to another human – I have had to navigate some very rough seas before finding a safe harbor of self-acceptance. This is an ongoing process, and one in which I’ve been participating for many years. My experience has been inclusive of several years of real-time experience, and may more years of exploration, self-examination, trial-and-error, and research. But research and bits and pieces of experience and all of these things can only get one so far. So much about relationships involves…well…relating. You can spend years in study but until you’re field tested? It hovers in the realm of theory.

 

I have always been an advocate of self-advocacy. It is so very vital for those in power-exchange relationships to do their very best to negotiate carefully. All relationships have a degree of vulnerability: those of us who voluntarily accept the will of another as superseding our own, or who agree to accept additional responsibility for another human as their “property” have an additional layer of vulnerability. From the perspective of those who submit, the need to remain open and transparent can feel extremely risky. The same holds true for those on the other side of the slash. Dominants and masters put themselves on the line, too. It is important to maintain a balance amidst the inequality.

 

Sounds like a paradox? It is and it isn’t.

Continue reading »

Sep 022011
 

OK, I will submit for candy this ONE time, Santa.

I think about Various & Sundry Things and Stuff all of the time. And I question pretty much everything. This includes a great deal of thought about kinky stuff. Since my first explorations of Leather and BDSM via books and online bulletin boards, I’ve read and listened to a great many ideas. And there are some ideas that hit me and resonate. And others that hit it and quit it. There are concepts, like the necessity of consent, and the “Prime Directive”‡ that remain core anchors, and with them I do not fuck. I’m done mulling whether or not they work for me. Then there are things that fall into gray areas: stuff that makes sense but always nagged me.

 

Over the course of time, some fell into the realm of “Shit I get, but ain’t workin’ for me personally.” “Safe, Sane & Consensual” being one of them. I get it, and its fine. But there is too much relativity to make it truly useful beyond its intended purpose: to have a quick shorthand for the Default World so that they could separate us kinky types from abusive maniacs.

 

“The submissive is always in charge!” was another one that niggled my headbone. I do not want to be in charge. I realized that this touchstone works very well for people who engage with submission as something that they do rather than a personal identity. And in my identity of a slave AND submissive, it fell apart entirely. If I swap out “bottom” for “submissive” it works better for me.

 

Then there’s shit that bothers me outright. “Topping from the bottom.” It is a sneaky pejorative used to smack down a bottom who is clear about insisting on getting what they want. Its a lazy phrase, too: what is MEANT is probably something more like…fuck, I dunno… “Dominating from your knees.” because, yeah, trying to run the engine when you are ostensibly assuming a submissive posture? Passive aggressive. But “top” and “bottom” don’t specify a power exchange: it is a “giver” and “receiver” dynamic. I can bottom to people, tell them how I want the scene to go, make adjustments to it in the course of the scene, and expect them to cater to my desires because topping and bottoming are about mutual satisfaction. D/S and M/S are explicitly about power exchange, and I feel controlling the dynamic as a submissive or slave is less acceptable in terms of fostering and nurturing a healthy and functional imbalance.

 

Another point of aggrievement? I’ve run across some who say that they do not not permit their slave to refer to them as “their master” because that implies the master belongs to the slave. Or they take it further and mandate that the slave reject the use of grammatically standard self-identifying pronouns instead shoving them in to awkward third person discourse. (i.e. “This slave begs permission to use the restroom, master.”)

 

Goddammit, no.

 

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