Feb 062009
 

I value the relationships I have formed within the BDSM community. It is not only that we have the commonality of kink, it is that being a pervert means that you smite the artifice of sexual Gerrymandering.

I am living a charmed life in some ways. My lifestyle as an “Out Kinky Pervert” actually was pivotal in landing me my current job. I am out to everyone who knows me, and I am pleased about that. I have done a lifestyle mash-up with kink and theater, kink and employment, kink and my social life. This makes for awesome stories. And a pretty groovy life. Most importantly, I have made friends who, outside of BDSM, it is highly unlikely I’d ever have known.

Two friends of mine fall into this category. Lady Thendara and her husband, Mustang, are the kind of loving and happy couple you’d see at dinner, going to a movie, shopping, whatever and have no idea that, when they “got hitched”, he was actually in full pony gear, and proudly pulled his bride in a pony cart.

Well, that was the ceremony for “kink family” at least.

We should all have the freedom to play our heart's desire.

Grant us all the freedom to play our heart's desire.

I was the caterer for that phenomenal soirée, and it was pretty awesome to be a part of such a singular event. There is nothing that makes me smile quite like the memory of drawing up a menu that included appetizers, a carving station, beverages and…pony-treats. Think quartered apples, (but NO green ones!) and whole carrot sticks alongside people-sized crudité .

I feel so blessed to have folks in my life who are an example of a couple who have found kinky compatibility and share their joy with others. I am happy in their company whether playing Scrabble, enjoying play-time in a Dungeon, gossiping over dinner or wriggling in bondage.

I’ve played with the both of them before. Mustang is a switchy player both in and out of his Pony Headspace. And Lady Thendara has enough experience on both sides of the crop to be a double threat. Female Switches, y’all!! Much like the Wu-Tang clan, they ain’t nothing to fuck with.

I was a bit apprehensive when Thendara invited me to visit with them for the weekend, despite the fact I really wanted to. Of late I have been having some pretty radical internal conflicts about my role in BDSM. Partially this is the same shit I grind myself through whenever I’m single for a while. But playing with a couple, for me, has its own wistfulness. It can underscore my being single…here I am, alone, and there they are, all happy and blah blah blah… but mostly it was my fear of not being “enough.”

As a masochist, I can play very heavily. The operative word in that sentence being the modifier. I can, but that does not mean I will. And it doesn’t always mean I want to. Being a submissive or a slave sometimes means subsuming your will, and then you better be down to take one for the sake of your service-oriented ass.

Many people see that highly-charged over-the-top play-style and assume that is the way that I play all of the time. But it isn’t. It is just what people remember and talk about at the next Munch. My “heavy bottoming” has terms, conditions, infrastructure, caverns caves sinkholes and fucking punji-pits within. And you can’t see that. All you see is me being thrown to the ground and shocked with dog collars, poked with a few dozen needles, brutally anally assaulted, OR groveling and licking the boots of a man I’d just met.

But these are the exception, rather than the rule, and I am ill-suited, right now, for heavy play. Because I have no one to whom I can turn for the unpredictable repair process I need to “come back” from that edge. And for me to want to take that pain, I realize I need that emotional connection.

I’m not a clinical masochist…just a twisted slavish masochistic sex-pervert.

Yet I live in apprehension of the thought of disappointing my friends.

So, I scurry around the edges and hope that my Dom Charming will soon ride in in his gleaming creaking leathers and sweep me off of my quivering feet.

But I couldn’t resist the sunny warmth of my friend’s offer to play, and the instantaneous relaxing of the bands of anxiety circling my heart when I blurted out that I really can’t do any heavy play and Thendara laughed.

“We’re service tops, sweetie! It’s all good!”

Oh. Right. You WANT me to enjoy myself.

Fuck yeah.

So, right now, I have something better than obsessing and moping, and that is letting myself enjoy the company of friends, knowing that they are looking forward to seeing me, and that it is OK to say “Be gentle, care for me, and hold me after.” and they will do that, with love and affection.

Sep 292008
 

I often see people holding forth regarding “kink orientations” in an effort to understand others.

People often pose questions like:

“What is up with these people who want to be told what to do?”

“If I do not want to be told what to do, but I enjoy pain, am I not submissive?”

“What if I love obedience but have NO DESIRE to feel pain?”

And lots more very provocative, evocative queries and ponderments.

I have ruminated on many of these questions for years, and have learned about BDSM from a WHOLE lot of people with dozens and dozens of books and writing credits, and decades of experience under their worn leather belts. I’ve been able to learn directly from people who are actually professional Kink thinkers. I owe lot of who I am today in the Leather Scene to these folks.

I cannot and do not EVER, EVER presume to tell people what to do, how to think, etc. I can express my opinion, explain it, and hope something of it makes sense to SOMEbody.

To that end I am gonna riff a bit on what I see as the variations between dominants, tops, owners, bottoms, slaves and submissives. Take it or leave it, but please do feel free to comment either way. These are thumbnail sketches, blurbs, if you will, designed to open discussion. Anyway, that is how I use ‘em in my classes and my life. Labels can be helpful so long as they are magnetic and written in dry-erase, and you can use as many or as few as you like!

Usually.

My take on bottoming

A bottom is someone who enjoys receiving sensation. It might be intense sensation, or it might be a light fun sensation. It might have an emotional component, as in playing a pony or “little boy” or “little girl” in an age play scene. They usually are in their “bottom space” for a delineated period of time: the length of a date, a scene, a weekend, etc. they are very aware of boundaries, of keeping their options available when it comes to the type of play they desire, and how those needs are going to be met. Negotiation constantly takes place, as to insure that all needs are being met.

My Take on topping.

A top is someone who enjoys giving sensation. It might be intense sensation, or it might be a light fun sensation. It might have an emotional component, as in playing a pony trainer or playing “mommy” or “daddy” in an age play scene. They usually are in their “top space” for a delineated period of time: the length of a date, a scene, a weekend, etc. They are very aware of boundaries, of keeping their options available when it comes to the type of play they desire, and how those needs are going to be met. Negotiation constantly takes place, as to insure that all needs are being met.

My take on submitting.

Submissives gain their chief kink from the psychological aspect of sublimating their desire to that of another. Submission can be in a physical manner, in an emotional manner, and any combination of both. A submissive submits to a scene, to an act, to a person, for an established period of time, from a few minutes to a lifetime commitment. The content of the “play” is less critical, to most submissives, than the reward of “being pleasing” to their dominant other. The submissive person might, under some circumstances, even submit to situations that are not to their immediate liking, but with the knowledge that they are pleasing their dominant. That is then their mode of gratification.

My take on dominating.

Dominants gain their chief kink from the psychological aspect of asserting their desires over those of another. Domination can be in a physical manner, in an emotional manner, and any combination of both. A dominant takes control of a scene, an act, a person, for an established period of time, from a few minutes to a lifetime commitment. The content of the “play” is less critical, to most dominants, than the reward of “being pleased” by their submissive other. The dominant person might, under some circumstances, subject their submissive to situations that are not to the immediate liking of the submissive, but is gratified by the submissive “enduring” the treatment for their pleasure. That is then their mode of gratification.

My take on slavery.

People who identify as slaves have, as their core kink, the need to be owned. The desire to be the absolute property of a master or mistress or owner. The slave submits ONCE and completely, to their partner. From that point on, all decisions are the ultimate purview of the owner. While there might be an “Emergency Escape Clause”, there may not, and she slave may be bound for life to the owner. Free will is not an option, as the owner is the mind in the relationship. The slave brings themselves, and is sublimated to the personality, the will and the whim of the owner. There is no time delineation: the slave is always a slave. Their satisfaction is drawn from providing themselves as property, as chattel, to one who will use them as they see fit.

My take on ownership.

People who identify as master / mistresses and owners have, as their core kink, the need to owned a human being. The desire to possess, absolute, human property. The owner takes possession, ONCE and completely, their partner. From that point on, all decisions are the ultimate purview of the owner. While there might be an “Emergency Escape Clause”, there may not, and she slave may be bound for life to the owner. Free will is not an option, as the owner is the mind in the relationship. The owner controls all aspects of the slave, and the slave’s will is sublimated to the personality, the will and the whim of the owner. There is no time delineation: the owner is always the owner. Their satisfaction is drawn from owning human property, as chattel, and using them as they see fit.

In my world view, I don’t see a hierarchy. I think hierarchy is fucking stupid. Because it sets up everyone  to look with a jaundiced eye on everyone else.

Feh.

The slaves turn their noses up at the bottoms as “weekend warriors”, the submissives roll their eyes at the doormat nature of the slave, the dominants are vexed when they say that want a slave…and then get one, and the tops don’t want to be bothered with “high maintenance” subs.

To me, the MOST IMPORTANT THING IS: describe yourself TO yourself. DO it well. DO it thoroughly. Find the words you need to express who you are, and be ready to explain it to a potential partner.

Anyway…yeah. Hope this makes some sense to someone. And I am happy to discuss anything further, to clarify, or to deny I ever wrote such a thing in the first place



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