Aug 292010

A couple of  years ago, I had a rather unpleasant moment where I was on the receiving end of a roomful of laughter when I introduced myself as, among other things, monogamous. If you care to read the whole story, you can do so here. After realizing that part of the rich stew of emotions I felt when this occurred, a thread of this was embarrassment and shame.

Living in the Bay Area, where the overwhelming majority of people in the BDSM Leather & kink community are poly-identified, it was feeling more and more true, for me, that being monogamous was looked on as “quaint” and not treated with much respect. I had to look at why I was feeling this way, and part of it was that human feeling of wanting to be accepted, and realizing that people mocking something that is core to me did NOT encourage that feeling. I don’t like feeling like the weirdo among weirdoes, and this seems to be mt place as often as not ;-)

Od course, the more something bugs me the more I want to talk about it, so here I am a couple of years later doing a class on one aspect of the monogamous experience in the BDSM / Leather / Kink community. There aren’t many of us out there talking about it, and so I felt compelled to add my voice to the mix.

As I think and write and discuss and study, I would be honored and appreciative to hear from other monogamous folks about how they cope with being monogamous in situations where that choice / orientation isn’t necessarily common. How do you deal with feelings of shame or discomfort? Feeling discouraged, or as though your search for a partner is that much more difficult?

And if you have something you’d like to share with other monogamous-identified folks, please do so. Sometimes, a simple word of encouragement goes a long way.

I know I could use one right about now :-)

Nov 252009

Before you talk shit about the resonance of this image, know that a poly group on FaceBook uses this as their image ;-)This one is the total fault of @sexisfuncoochie. That’s what you get for asking an innocent question.

OK. Um, Mo here, talking about being (mostly) mono in a poly world. And by “poly world” I mean the BDSM community as I experience it.

I’ve been around a while, and I am not a shrinking violet when it comes to hopping around the country chilling with my Leather and Kinky and Sex Positive and Freaky Peeps. And due to this, many assume I play all the time, everywhere.

This is not the case.

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Sep 022009

demotivatorsLonelinessI’m lonely and it is making me sad.

I feel as though the further along a travel in my journey in this life, I am becoming very fluid in some areas and very, very uncompromising in others.

I receive unilateral support in this. “Don’t compromise! Be You! You are worthy! Good for you for sticking to your guns and making sure your needs are met!” say people…and sometimes I believe them.

There is an especially rocky Kuiper belt of emotional shite plaguing my head. I  know what I  need in a relationship…I can feel it, taste it in my heart, but see nowhere yet to have that need met. I’m in a rather surreal situation. I travel quite a bit, meet literally thousands of people in the community in which I live. I am about as public as I can be without having a network talk show or cable series (and hey why ain’t I got one of them yet?!?!) and so no one can accuse me of hiding my candle under a bushel.

But this creates the Appearance Of Inapproachability. Lots of people feel as though that presenter they listened to for 90 minutes “MUST be booked solid to play!” That isn’t really true. Or they assume that I must have very high standards and wouldn’t possibly want to play with them. And interestingly, that half-truth smokes the deal.

Continue reading »

Oct 122008

I censored myself in my last post. That is because I had not worked through what I was feeling and I am protective of my emotional ebb and flow these days. As I arrived home tonight, something that happened earlier this afternoon was still tugging at the hem of my heart.

So, I’ll talk about that.

The Munch this afternoon is what I would call my “Home Munch”. It is the direct descendant of the first Munch I attended. Warts and all, I have attended this munch, with greater and lesser regularity, for 11 years or so.

Today I stood to introduce myself at the Munch, as is the custom at this event.

After a slew of people introducing themselves as “Bi-Poly-Switch”, one…..after…..the…..other. I stood and introduced myself with some humor, and then got to my “Box-O-Labels” and referred to myself as a service oriented submissive slave and…pause…Monogamous…

And then several peopled booed. Booed and jeered.

I was stunned but, as is my way, I tried to turn to the humor. “Hey, don’t hate. Step up to the plate.”

That got laughs.

I am always about getting the laugh. Sometimes at the expense of my feelings.

Because it made me feel mocked, hopeless and depressed.

I get that it is unlikely any of these folks meant harm.

But what if a new person was sitting there and saw someone known to the group laughed at for being monogamous?

How does that further push the idea that monogamy is uncool? That people will laugh at you for wanting one partner?

I am not even a hard-line monogamist. I think that it can be cool to play with other people: known quantities and friends. I would also be fine NOT playing with anyone else if I had a partner who wished that to be our dynamic.

I am hardly a person to scold people when they make a joke at my expense.

But some jokes are hurtful. And some jeers can wound.

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