The underside.

demotivatorsLonelinessI’m lonely and it is making me sad.

I feel as though the further along a travel in my journey in this life, I am becoming very fluid in some areas and very, very uncompromising in others.

I receive unilateral support in this. “Don’t compromise! Be You! You are worthy! Good for you for sticking to your guns and making sure your needs are met!” say people…and sometimes I believe them.

There is an especially rocky Kuiper belt of emotional shite plaguing my head. I  know what I  need in a relationship…I can feel it, taste it in my heart, but see nowhere yet to have that need met. I’m in a rather surreal situation. I travel quite a bit, meet literally thousands of people in the community in which I live. I am about as public as I can be without having a network talk show or cable series (and hey why ain’t I got one of them yet?!?!) and so no one can accuse me of hiding my candle under a bushel.

But this creates the Appearance Of Inapproachability. Lots of people feel as though that presenter they listened to for 90 minutes “MUST be booked solid to play!” That isn’t really true. Or they assume that I must have very high standards and wouldn’t possibly want to play with them. And interestingly, that half-truth smokes the deal.

See, I DO have insanely high standards. I think everyone should. This isn’t a game of backgammon. There’s risk involved and my level of willingness to engage in risky behaviour is proportional to my level of knowledge of the other person, my level of chemistry, pheremonal shit, reputation, a bunch of stuff.  However, I’m often game to have fun :-)

The dealbreaking buzzkill comes when people do things like assume I am a top, or say shit like “Oh, I know you’d never play with me!” because you know what? Now I’m not interested. I am not in the market to talk you into believing you are worthy. If you are going to be engaged in a scene with me, I am not interested in talking you into feeling confident enough to do that.

Add to the mix that the VAST majority of people in the public BDSM / Leather community seem to present as polyamorous, and it becomes even trickier! I fit into that weird offshoot of monogamists who aren’t also “Play monogamous.”  While I think having different people to play with who can permit you to experience different aspects of your “play animal,” I am bound to be heart-monogamous.

At the end of the party, I need for it to me be to whom you turn to with a loving smile, a warm embrace and all of that shit.

I think part of this Lady Angstina McAngsterson riff is resulting from a really nice message I received from someone interested in “getting to know me better.”  It was anomalous because the person has not only read my ENTIRE profile (which is no small feat) but asked questions based on my details, fully expressed what they were looking for, had a pretty thorough profile of their own, seemed intelligent, respectful, and pretty damn cool.

And, of course, already partnered.

And that is not a bad thing, not at all. Well, not for them. People could take lessons on how to write to strangers from this person. Double A+ thumbs up :-)

And that still doesn’t mitigate the sting and reminder that I still don’t have that one place with that one person that helps me to ground in ways I can’t do on my own.

This seems a strange place to be idling, emotionally. And I don’t stick around here much, because it really isn’t my nature.

But I wanted to get it out because I tend to feel I need to be perky and upbeat and sparkly, so that other folks feel encouraged.

But today isn’t one of those days. I’m lonely and it is making me sad. And longing for that which you’ve never had is the lamest, squeakiest shittiest hamster wheel of all.

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  1. stereopticons on September 2, 2009 at 4:43 PM

    It might be weird for me to respond to this because I don’t know you well, but I do know that feeling of utter loneliness and longing. And having a partner doesn’t always make it go away. Just because you know someone is there doesn’t make the feeling stop, I have learned. And it sucks, for sure. I wish I had something besides understanding to offer, some way to make it go away, but all I have to offer is the knowledge that you are not alone in feeling like this, and I know that doesn’t always (or ever) help.

    • mollena on September 5, 2009 at 3:51 PM

      The understanding means quite a bit to me. Feeling isolated in one’s feelings is a particular hell and one I don’t with to ever experience again. I’m so grateful to be able to put myself forwar and receive the feedback that let’s me know that others are feeling and have felt similarly. It makes the lonely just a little less so. A beautiful thing.

      Peace…and thank you for your kind words!


  2. lamesabassman on September 2, 2009 at 6:06 PM

    straight, no chaser….
    you are the one
    the eraser…..
    you know you want
    as you wish for
    while you dream
    you have been drinking milk
    for most of your life
    and …. now you savor….
    the cream
    you know that person deeply….
    and you will know them
    as they come into view
    and that’s when things start
    to flow
    and this is where you begin to glow
    when they hello….
    to you….

    the steps in Life, you have taken,
    have prepared you
    for your task
    to find that warm spot
    to fill your world
    and to be a shelter
    from the storm
    back to back
    belly to belly
    to be one with each other
    and it gotta jam
    ’cause jelly wont do
    if you wish for me
    to be with thee
    ’til the end of days
    of Future past
    for I wish to build
    and for it to last….

    so when you walk this way…..
    you better be …

    straight, no chaser……..

    lamesabassman….. sistah…. you’re not that alone….. you gots us….. stah..

    • mollena on September 5, 2009 at 4:02 PM

      That brought surprised tears to my eyes….again and again.

      Thank you.

      Much love.


  3. terri on September 5, 2009 at 12:21 AM

    i think knowing what you seek is amazing and positive! but i
    dont agree with the concept of ‘dont settle’. i see that philosophy as being one that closes you off to possibilities and moreso is VERY unrealistic. i dont think anyone can be your custom made 110% match. you want a real person? that means ‘settling’. compromising. beyond that people are dynamic creatures; what you have with someone now or what they feel
    they want to offer may evolve.

    ive had a shitload of experiences that werent what i set out to have but i got something else from them

    • mollena on September 5, 2009 at 3:38 PM


      Please note, most importantly, settling for something and relationship compromise are very, very different. Compromise and taking people on their terms is healthy. Giving up on your core needs…settling on that which is there and disregarding a core need in order to have “something…anything….” is not OK.

      Well we may have to agree to disagree on that one.

      I’ve no illusion that anyone is ever supposed to be “the perfect match” and, since I’ve no idea what that looks like. I don’t eliminate possibilities.

      However. I have “settled’ on relationships with people who indicated that they had no interest in marrying, for example. I figured “Hey, who knows! People change, I might change my mind, that type of relatioship might not be what I ultimately want!” And invariably, those people have not wanted to marry. But it wasn’t marriage itself that was the issue, it was that they didn’t want to marry ME, as evidenced by their subsequent happy marriages.

      If someone is poly, I know I can’t settle on a relationship on their terms because my nneeds won’t be met there.

      If someone really prefers slender blond women with pale skin, but settles for me because they like my personality and connection, chances are that they’ll feel unsaatisfied in the long run. I’ve experienced too.

      There are some things around which I absolutely refuse to settle. Many, many things are fluid and I take people on a case by case basis. But under no circumstances can I ever advocate anyone compromising core needs. In my experience, that can lead to demege and self esteem issues. And do much harm to all those involved.