Smoke em if ya got em, Christ.

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, Christ.

I have decided that Christianity has the unsexiest god fucking IMAGINABLE. Seriously. Even his son isn’t all that. Sure, the walking on water thing is kind of cool, it would probably have gotten the girls kinda hot back in Galilee and all. OK, Goth chicks could SO be into Jesus what with the stigmata and robes and hair and thorny headgear and all.

In general, I am sorry; The Judeo-Christian thing just doesn’t mush my sledteam.

I could so not bottom to Jesus.

But go to pretty much any other religious practice, and hoo boy, it gets MUCH hotter.

Wooooah here she out boys she'll chew you up...

Look at the ancient Egyptian gods. You got Sekhmet, woman with lioness head.

She parties like a rock star and gets drunk from the steaming entrails-n- blood of the wicked. Tell me a few hours with her and a roll in the hay would not that be the shit! She could claw my back and growl in my ear ’till Hathor came home.

I would personally also do Anubis…love the jackal headed look. Big old long tongue coupled with a ripped godlike male body, just going at you from all sides…oh. Yes. Dark, brooding, sociopathic, definitely hot dom material.

A Vévé for Erzuli.

A shout out to Erzuli.

The Vodoun Loas do not mess around. They do not even need to manifest in order to fuck your brains out: they will do that shit to you in front of a houngan, backed up by a room full of tranced out worshipers. Hell, they might possess a few bystanders just to make sure that they get a reach around. Mindfuck, much???

Let us look at Buddha. Hey, the man obviously is feeling good. ALL the time. Big belly, baldhead, and OBVIOUSLY flexible despite his OM-belly. I am willing to bet he’d be a FANtastic romp.

Zeus would probably be good for a few weeks of fun, what with his propensity for turning into Bulls, pillars of light, swans, you name it. the master role-playing top. Problem is, he does not do poly well, and you would probably wind up a tree, a spider, or some shit when Hera finds out. Like a lot of strutting Ãœber-tops, he is totally topped by his primary partner. Who is super jealous. And a goddess. And vengeful. On second thought….Lame.

Screw that. Zeus is SO off my list.

Now, there are plenty of mythic creatures who pique my interest. Satyrs, for the OBVIOUS reason…merpeople, because that shit would just be freakyhot…centaurs, though I am a little baffled by the logistics. Probably be best to have, like, two of ’em…

Nevertheless, there is one god who I find not only totally all off the chain sexy, in a really perverted yet religiously wholesome and reverent kind of way. He has got it ALL going on.

So, without further adieu, my #1 top pick of god or mythic creature I’d like to have hitting this ass:


The Hotness of Hunduism. Deny it not.

Aum Shri Ganeshaya Nama, bitches.


OK, check it.

He dances, which I like. Good sense of humor, he is the Lord of success and destroyer of evils and obstacles. He is also the god of education, knowledge, wisdom, writing and wealth. All very Good Things.

He has not one, not two, not three, but FOUR arms. F-O-U-R. That is TWENTY fingers. And, check out those mudras he is constantly working. Homeboy has serious digital dexterity going ON.

…and that trunk…. swoon The imagination just goes wild. You know that your standard issue elephant can pick up a pea with its trunk, don’t you? OK, so we have an elephant headed GOD with a trunk for a nose. Imagine THAT doing its thing. Word.

Plus he has his own toy-bag. Rope, a broken tusk, a knife, AND SNACKS.

Come on.

SNACKS, people!


OK, enough sacrilege for the evening…I am going to fall asleep wistfully pondering my list of the top 10 trunk-assisted sexual positions.

What, you don’t know The Lord G’s story?

Well here you go, sillybeans! Sister Unity of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Explains it all For you!

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  1. Twanna A. Hines // FUNKY BROWN CHICK on October 16, 2008 at 4:16 AM

    Girl, you are too much!!!! :) Come to New York! We need you here.

    By the way … Heeeeey, you can’t “GILFs” for “Gods I’d Like to ____.” The Grandmamamas already nabbed that one!! :)

  2. mollena on October 16, 2008 at 6:20 AM

    Aw, man!

    OK, OK, let’s have an Astroglide wrasslin’ match, and the winner can declare victory and be the boss of this particular fuckability listing nomenclature. :-P

    Don’t tempt me do move back home…even now I have a tear in my eye for a hot H&H Bagel!!