I had an inglorious day yesterday…a harried time at the airport, a plane change for what I really wished was a non-stop, and when I was finally able to rest I woke up covered in bites and an itchy mess thanks to some very small vampiric bedmates.
SO, today I’m popping Benadryl non-stop to offset the full-body itch my unforseen bedmates left me with. The Benadryl wooze caused me to not set my alarm properly SO I was 5 minutes late to my own fucking class. Of course then I feel like absolute shit, and then my friendly Demon starts shredding me from the inside out. Got through the class despite hitting some bad potholes in my own had. I was SURE i had failed, worst class ever…then I got a note in my little “Mailbox” here at the Madtown Kinkfest. someone said “Thank you for a wonderful class. I really enjoyed it!” and i almost cried. And then someone on Twitter said something nice, too. So, thank you for helping me to remember I don’t suck even when I feel like I do…at least 4 people disagree with the demon. I’m doing OK, even when I’m messy on the inside. I do the very best I can, and that is pretty good. Now…more Benadryl, some caffeine to offset the grogginess, and a deep breath. This evening has some interesting obstacles lying in wait.
Though its been 6 months since the end of our relationship, I’ve had unfinished business with The Dominant Guy. Which is supposed to be finished this weekend. But mostly what I feel now is numb and empty. And I don’t know what that means. I guess I’ll know better when I see him. I’ve needed something…some acknowledgement of what passed, to return the collar he cave me to hold, for comfort. My collar, which I gave him as a symbol of my personal ownership, which I desired him to have. Putting these things in the mail didn’t seem…right.
I’m trying to just breath, take things moment by moment. And it is really really hard. I feel a bit like a shredded, chewed up bit of rawhide.
I don’t have a tidy ending.