Aah, online dating. I’ve been registered with online dating sites of all stripes since the fledgling days of my tiptoed explorations into the internet, and have seen many come and go. One of the worst of the BDSM / kink slums is CollarMe.com. My profile there is maintained purely for comic relief and passive gathering of choice moments of “My Gods, can they really be serious??”
Take, for example, today’s skeet-to-the-eye…
“I wanna fuck you like the slut that you are I want to use you for your Pussy1 anytime we are with each other you will submit to me i like to bruise and gag you and shoot my seaman2 in your pussy I would have you perform sexual act for my friends at any given time3 your mind body and soul will be mine I will fuck you with toys and force you to cum my goal is to make you squirt you will be dehydrated once we finish fucking because of all time you have orgasmed.4 I want you to submit to me are you willing and able to do that if you say yes then I want your phone number and a facial picture no need for games because i don’t play any5.”
1) I DO appreciate his capitalizing “Pussy.” That shows some respect. Especially if he adheres to the idea that dominance is to be indicated with capitalized nouns…so I guess my vag is a TWUE DOMINATE!
2) Having a really difficult time continuing because I now have an image of someone standing between my spread-eagle legs with a tiny bazooka, shouting “FIRE IN THE HOLE” while unleashing a volley of tiny Popeye The Sailor Man action figures up my snatch. That might be just me, though, I have a weird imagination.
3) Ah, this one is tough,. I am absolutely not good to anyone in the morning. SO, if the sexual act you want me to perform has to be scheduled for early morning hours because, say, your friends are early risers? The extent of my performance had better be “LIE THERE SLEEPING WITH THIS DILDO BALANCED ON YOUR HEAD WHILE WE TAKE PICTURES, SLAVE!” because otherwise? Sorry. No dice.
4) I…don’t understand why fluid loss is your goal, man. I mean, it can cause headaches, metabolic imbalance, kidney failure, shock…I do not want to “Yuck!” your “Yum!” but this sounds like a shitty way to end an encounter. Furthermore, I call dibs on “WETSPOT SHOTGUN!” because I sure as fuck am not sleeping in it. I also am gonna have to make sure you have coconut water and Gatorade nearby, just in case you sneakily try to drain me of my precious bodily fluids while I’m not looking.
5) And that? That shit right there? That right there is a little thing I like to call The Deal Breaker. Go ahead, shoot action figures in my pussy and make me masturbate for your golf buddies at 5:00AM and send me to the ER with renal failure…but NO games?!? NONE at ALL?!?
I LOVE Cards Against Humanity and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to enjoy this cruel and catty game.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board…!