Mar 162012
 

 

I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”

 

I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I  needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.

 

And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.

 

I did everything I could, and more.

Continue reading »

Feb 062012
 

Sometimes, The Lord has to Kick Ass.

Sometimes it is very easy for me to share my story. I run to the keyboard and pour out an idea that has sprung to mind, or eagerly type out the results of some brainhamster action. And other times, I agonize over every word, humming “Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood…” tersely under my breath over and over, hoping that I will hit it just right, and that people reading will grok my ideas, not tear me apart, have mercy on my soul, and see themselves in my story.

 

Other times, I am compelled to NOT share, because of internal ethical considerations or external influences.

 

And other times I desperately want to share and…can’t. A combination of things. Timing, uncertainty, confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear…and in those times, I just have to wait.

 

I hate waiting. But I have learned a great deal about patience in the past decade or so. And even more in the past year or so.

 

So let me rewind a little.

 

Continue reading »

Dec 102011
 

Today @TheDominantGuy and I had some time to have a phone date. Which I love so very much.  There are still Big Ass Things on the table to discuss and that might have gone down…but the second stage of emotional heavy-lifting didn’t happen. We got to catch up on other stuff. And actually just talk, which is so lovely.

 

We had a very lively discussion about my rantlet on FetLife, which wound up becoming quite the little discussion, which is cool. (I’ve put it up here for those who aren’t on FetLife) And while he agreed with and understood my point, he reminded me that sometimes? People do find themselves caught off-guard and reacting in ways that might seem inappropriate.

 

Yeah I know dude but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t bug the shit out of me.

 

It happens that some submissives, especially if they haven’t experienced that hyper-focused attention from a d-type before, don’t know what else to do. It is instinctive. They just get caught up in the laser-like focus of dominance…

 

<snort>

 

What?

 

 It is also known as poor impulse-control! You CAN maintain…you just CHOOSE not to. 

Continue reading »

Dec 042011
 

 

I am just rambling a bit…I have a great deal on my heart and on my mind but the process is still in process and lots of it really is a bit more personal than can be dissected in the public forum of blogs and such. But I have to write something, and I’m a compulsive sharer, and this way I can further procrastinate on real work while pretending to be productive. :-)

 

Sometimes, relationships are rough. Sometimes we make choices that have blowback that is more substantial than we expect, and then ya just gotta step back and pick the shrapnel from your face. Blah blah blah, I’ll have a McYadda with cheese, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.

 

Let us just say I’m looking at and chewing on some challenging emotional shit these days.

 

Today was a day with a bunch of emotional push-and-pull, heavy lifting, you know, the fun stuff. Its kind of funny when part of the Thing That Needs To Be Hashed Out involves the very core of relationshit, and that’s communication. I’m a big fan of the stuff. And it really is all you’ve got in terms of glue when you are doing long-distance relationships. So when that communication stream becomes an issue? You’ve gotta talk about it. And you’ve gotta make time for that. But what if the dwindling, finite resource of time in which we can make communication happens is at the root of the turbulence…? Yeah. Catch-22 caliber funtimes.

Continue reading »

Nov 292011
 

Hello! My name is Mollena and I’m an

  • Alcoholic
  • Submissive
  • Masochist
  • Slave
  • Masochist
  • Ponygirl
  • Emotional masochist

 

Yeah all of those are labels I use to create space where I can be me safely. But that last one…not so easy to embrace. I’ve waded through accepting a lot of shit I thought I’d never be able to see as part of who I am. Amusingly, I am freely able to delight in the explorations of others, and sincerely love to see people grow and blossom into the beautiful perverts that they want to be. But for me? No no, Momo, that shit is not OK.

 

I saw other people who were emotionally masochistic and thought “How fascinating that those people can find pleasure in emotional pain!” and yet when I thought that this might be a facet of my own psyche, I assumed that I was somehow fucked up and that this was yet another way for me to undermine my rather gelatinous self-esteem.

 

But what if accepting that there is a pleasure inherent in enduring emotional pain? Would that be a damaging sort of false “acceptance?” Continue reading »

Nov 152011
 

My beautiful, terrible demon.

I hadn’t cried like that in a long, long time. Crying is something I usually do for very short bursts, then it ebbs. Maybe a minute? Tops. And then I have done what I needed to do and can either sit with the emotion or start to recover from whatever triggered the collapse.

But this was way, way past that. I needed to cry so hard it wore me the fuck out. Because I could sense if I didn’t go balls-out on a good session of sobbing I’d be having random outbursts for an indefinite period of time and I sure as fuck didn’t have time for that.

The evening before, I’d had a conversation with The Dominant Guy that started out well. Very well, in fact. he was giving me direction regarding writing he wanted me to do. I was pleased because this is stuff we’ve had on the table for a while now, so I was glad to get a handle on it. But I felt oddly guarded and kind of off balance. I chalked it up to the fact that everything has been off-balance of late, we haven’t been communicating with as much consistency and life in general has been full of Stuff & Whatnot.
In the midst of the conversation there was a switchback, where I had to get some check-in and I’ve written a bit about what that was like.

The part that was only thinly referenced was what motivated the insane crying jag that erupted the next morning.

Now…in being involved with poly people, one has to assume that, well, they’re gonna do what poly people do and have other people in their lives. In the case of my being involved with The Dominant Guy, the mitigating circumstance, for me, was that the preexisting conditions in his life were known quantities to me. Wife, check. Girlfriend, check. Play-partners, check. According to the job-openings on his profile, he was looking for a slave.
So technically…technically? Logically? There was no reason for me to have a fuse lit when he told me that he and Mrs. TheDominantGuy were opening up discussion about again having someone in service to them.
Logically? Non-starter.
Emotionally however…holy shit.
Continue reading »

Nov 112011
 

I’m no longer surprised that I have this reflexive compulsion to obey The Dominant Guy. That was a given since we first met.

 

What does continue to surprise me is the depth of how far that compulsion goes, and how I sincerely obey before I have even processed what he wants.

 

Submitting when you are doing something you want to do already isn’t all that challenging. It is very challenging when the person whose voice causes your thought processes to actually stop and change direction at their behest is yanking your chain when everything in your body is starting that downhill slide.

 

As busy as my life is, TDG seems to manage to be even busier much of the time, so our being able to connect and have Pithy talks about Pithy Shit isn’t always easy. Today was one of those days where the set-up for some important negotiations to which I’ve been looking forward for a bit were put into motion. OK, so I’m listening, I’m asking good questions, I’m getting my brain around what he wants.

 

Then as happens, he says something I interpret in a way that maybe wasn’t precisely his intention. Continue reading »

Oct 142011
 

 

Ah yes. The Hardtack of Humility. Delicious.

So…long-distance relationships are teh lame. We can agree they are not really all that ideal. Some times are easier than others. And there is a terrible amount of pressure on the time you can eke out to be together virtually, because by the time you have the bandwidth to talk, goddammit, it had better be connected, efficient. meaningful, moving, touching, vital…

 

Yeah.

 

A week of missed connections and tech-snafus and I finally…FINALLY had The Dominant Guy on the phone and FINALLY had the breathing room to tackle some Important Talking Things and FINALLY was able to get my feet under the things I wanted to say and had SOME coherent thought process in place…

 

And then I found myself gnawing on the Zen Dry Biscuit of Submission.

 

Continue reading »

Oct 062011
 

SO, OK.

 

Um…its like…it feels like…

 

It feels like I’m smashing my head up against a hard rubber wall is what it feels like.

 

I spent some time during one of my classes at the Folsom Fringe event calmly muzzling my increasingly agitated Dæmon, Bubbles. There was a discussion going on about being monogamous when involved with poly people, and I asserted that I didn’t feel that monogamy and polyamory were very clear sides of the same coin. Monogamy has to do with marriage and polyamory has to do with emotional connections. I think we kinksters, usually so innovative, have been lazy about our verbiage here. And I think I want to be monoamorous. Or better yet, monoflexible. Blah blah yadda yadda and

 

that’s

 

a

 

different

 

post
…because right now what I wanna talk about is the noisiest, dirtiest most aggro denizen of my inner menagerie and that’s my (mostly un)friendly neighborhood Hyæna spirit. And what she has to say about my “Ultimate Compromise” (yeah whatever) of giving up on the idea of finding The One monogamous person with whom I’d fall in love and have a passionate connection and then with whom I’d be all slaverytime nummyummygummy goodness.

 

Whenever well-meaning people point out I’d probably be happier if I just eased back into a polyamorous configuration, I wince inside. It isn’t the hard-wiring for me. It feels like a challenge to do poly. Monogamous relationships don’t have that “IN YOUR FACE” from get-go like poly does for me.

 

So. Is it true? Have I just “given up” on waiting…after fifteen years of waiting…have I collapsed under the weight of loneliness and compromised some core aspect of my monogamous heart so I can scramble for crumbs from someone who will never put me first? Am I making someone priority when I am only an option for them?

Continue reading »

Sep 292011
 

Relax. Its a cake.

I was nonplussed to find myself trailing along…again…trying to keep up with The  DominantGuy which is a challenge on a slow day and OMFG! WTF!! SMH… on a busy day. And I turned around and he’d vanished, again. And I’m standing there, feeling at loose ends. Waiting. Again.

 

Much of being in service is of course, waiting. For orders. For answers. For time. To be seen. To be praised. To be corrected. For calm. And I am much better about being patient than I was when I was first in service. But this time things are very, very different. Expectations are clearer, communication is better, I’m more present, and less fearful.

 

Except when I get the scent of abandonment. Then it becomes seriously problematic. I have what feels like very mild low-level panic attacks when gears shift faster than I am able to parse. If I am unable to keep up with him, and he goes about his business, I get fish out of water gasping floppy panicky and that is NOT ME! I am strong, I am invincible…I am…I am a mess. Continue reading »