I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”
I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.
And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.
I did everything I could, and more.
I was transparent, open, available. I gave as much of my time as I could, and then some. I made sacrifices, and didn’t bitch about them, because I feel that is what I need to do as a slave. I deferred to the others in his life, as was necessary. Tiptoed around their feelings and idiosyncrasies. Did a fuckton of introspection in order to full manifest what slavery means…pulled myself out of some dark holes in order to triumph over my own fears…
And ultimately? That wasn’t enough.
Not because I am not enough. But because I was not being met with an equal level of drive, desire and commitment. Sufficient time, and space was just not being given to me, and the prioritizing needed to build our relationship was not doing well in the line-up.
And there was NOTHING THAT I COULD HAVE DONE to change that.
And as I tried to figure out what I could do to gain closure, I realized this: if I were to rely on an external force to get my internal closure, to have the reassurance from them that I did well, to get the attention I desperately craved in this time of change and loss?
I was fucking MYSELF. Again.
I will find my own peace. Conduct my own ritual. Lay my own wreath, singmy own dirge, and move myself the fuck on.
Because THAT is how I can best follow my Prime Directive and be ready.
And be happy.
And be whole.