Hello! My name is Mollena and I’m an
- Emotional masochist
Yeah all of those are labels I use to create space where I can be me safely. But that last one…not so easy to embrace. I’ve waded through accepting a lot of shit I thought I’d never be able to see as part of who I am. Amusingly, I am freely able to delight in the explorations of others, and sincerely love to see people grow and blossom into the beautiful perverts that they want to be. But for me? No no, Momo, that shit is not OK.
I saw other people who were emotionally masochistic and thought “How fascinating that those people can find pleasure in emotional pain!” and yet when I thought that this might be a facet of my own psyche, I assumed that I was somehow fucked up and that this was yet another way for me to undermine my rather gelatinous self-esteem.
But what if accepting that there is a pleasure inherent in enduring emotional pain? Would that be a damaging sort of false “acceptance?”Having recently endured a few days where I was in an excruciating amount of pain in the course of getting to the bottom of a rather stressful emotional process. I wroted about that here, and then the dénouement here. And the funny thing was? I was high as fuck when I finally got the point of what I was wrassling with, And the result of the emotional suffering was a clarity that has enabled me to find a level of acceptance and understanding that is pretty fucking amazing.
So. Is it so wrong to embrace the thrill of pain? Why does it feel fine to me to say aloud “I enjoy the pain of physical suffering and torment.” and yet I have a confused mental loop when I try to wrap my brain around the statement “I enjoy the pain of emotional suffering and torment.” ?
Well, being raised in the Western tradition of “Pain is bad, Get rid of it ASAP when you feel it.” I know a lot about not dealing with pain. I drank a LOT for years in order to avoid feeling. I’m four years and eight months into being sober and holy shit, I must confess I am still blown away at how strong emotions can be when I take a breath and let them live their own lives. It is tough though. And I was a bit afraid that I was doing emotional damage to myself by putting myself into situations where I was hurting.
Over the summer, I had one of those moments where I fully realized that a little emotional pain goes a long way. And I came to understand that @TheDominantGuy was hardly unaware of my brainhamsters and tail chewing. In fact, the fact that I was willing to endure these slings and arrows in order to explore our relationship…and in part for him? Was kind of fucking terrific. See, sadism doesn’t stop with beating someone’s ass or tormenting their genitals. The anguish of emotional suffering can feed the thirst of a sadist just as much as the wincing of a singletail strike.
I though ” OK, maybe @TheDominantGuy is an anomaly. Many he was just some outlier, and deeply disturbed and just happened to happen upon me, some lone, broken freak, willing to endure anything out of desperation and lonely ignorance…
But that didn’t resonate. I’m not desperate. I do feel loneliness sometimes, sure, but I am never alone. And @TheDominantGuy was pretty compassionate for some kind of heartless emotional incubus.
I asked a few of my friends who identify as sadists. “Hey so, do you get off on your submissives or slaves and such being in pain, like, emotionally?” “Oh hell yeah,” one friend said, her voice practically burbling. “There are fewer things hotter than knowing someone is willing to endure that kind of pain for me.” And she wasn’t the only one. not by a longshot. I chatted with other submissive and bottom types who talked about their own emotional masochism. This wasn’t some anomalous situation. And what was the benefit to this? Why would anyone…why would I…deliberately walk into those emotional walls over and over until I had those “Ah ha!” moments?
…because no matter how much it hurts in my heart, in my body, to feel? It will not kill me. And I have seen how it makes me stronger, how it brings lucidity. And I have felt the sweet relief of the cessation of that agony. And deeper still? It is delicious to know that this struggle brings an exquisite delight to him.
I have spent the past few days exploring the reality of the fact that my emotional process, painful as it is sometimes, is of service. The fact that I am able to share this process and that other people can see facets of themselves in my own journey is comforting to me. That my process, sometimes messy,sometimes painful, is pleasing to the person by whom I would belong? This strengthens my resolve to bear the pain and remain present in the moment, trusting that the result of the ordeal is the removal of yet another obstacle to my joy. And most importantly? I am stronger and more grounded as a result of trusting the process, staying in the moment, and loving myself.
I’ll embrace my emotional masochism, thank my Higher Power for (yet another)obstacle removed, and thank @TheDominantGuy for challenging me to feel and for such a strong, constant presence, for a safe space, for humor and patience. And I’ll breathe through the pain, and embrace it. And love the process. And myself.