I often write “scene reports” but have not had the opportunity to as it has been a long time since I’ve played in a scene-specific context. This is like a new re-re-restart, so i am putting a new process to the test! Rather than just give the blow-by blow (Sigh. Yeah, yeah.) I am thinking in broader terms of emotional context and unpacking the experience as it happens for me. This is an excellent opportunity for me to do this as I have a pretty good frame of mind in terms of expectation, and trusted all parties involved in tis scene to be honest and open and have matched expectations. W00t!
Stage one: deconstructing
what has not changed:
The internal struggle that often resolved in me doing shit that derails logical thought.
The surge of gratitude at being recognized, and “seen”, by a trusted friend.
The really surreal sense of dissolution when I submit to an act or a behaviour that takes me past my comfort level.
My ^%$# accent issue.
what has changed:
My sense of HAVING to engage in a type of play in order to be accepted and cared for.
My willingness to experiment in edgy-play with less-well-known quantities.
My pain tolerance.
Diminshed sense of loss and “adriftness” post-scene.