So you wanna get into “the scene” (or “the lifestyle” or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days), but don’t know where to start. The transition from one’s computer screen, fantasy life, or bedroom into the greater community can seem really daunting.

There’s a metric fuckton of stuff out there for just about every kink and predilection. Now with the advent of Fetlife and Google, kinky people all over the world can connect and get themselves off more efficiently than ever before. However, finding large cohorts of flesh-and-blood kinky people is a whole other matter entirely.

Although I’m by no means an expert on everything kink-community related, I do know something about the avenues by which people get there. From my personal experience, and what I hear from friends and acquaintances in the scene, there seem to be a few consistent entry points in just about every region of the country. I realize that these outlets are more accessible in some places than others, but they’re out there.

So here is my macro-level take on venues to explore if you’re considering “going public.”

If I leave something out, get something wrong, or you think I’m full of crap, please let me know.

Local BDSM Clubs

Local BDSM clubs are around, depending on where you live. These are spaces filled with specialty furniture and equipment for kinky play. However, randomly showing up at a BDSM club, in my experience, is not the best entree into the scene. They’re great if you’re just looking for a place to beat your partner on shiny equipment that you may not have in your house. However, many places have a reputation for being somewhat skeezy. I’ve heard stories of people asking tops about a toy they’re using in the middle of a super intense scene, openly masturbating right in front of a scene, going up to collared women asking if they’d like a foot rub, and others I don’t care to recount. Therefore, many seasoned scene people stay away unless they’re with a play partner there’s a class or an event going on in the space.

If you do decide to go to a club, be respectful, don’t touch anyone without asking, and don’t be that creepy masturbating guy.

Local Groups and Organizations

A lot of people start out with local organizations. Some big cities have juggernaut organizations, such as NELA in New England, TES in New York, and Black Rose in DC.

Even if there’s no big group in your area, or you find that such organizations are not your thing, there are smaller groups/organizations that organize classes, discussion groups, happy hours, and local events.

In my experience, most of the meetups on a local level are either educational, or low key meet-and-greet type deals, called munches (for the most part). Munches take place in a public setting – usually a bar, diner, or cafe – and give people the chance to hang out and get to know their fellow kinksters in a low pressure, no play, non sexualized setting. Munches, like everything, are hit and miss. Some munches attract a great group of interesting people. Others attract maybe three guys with beer guts who smell funny.

Classes and munches provide the opportunity to meet people who have ins to local play parties/sexy events that might interest you. If you play your cards right, you might even be invited to one of those elusive private parties that everyone and no one knows about.

Other Groups

If you’re between the ages of 18 and 35, there are local TNG (The Next Generation) groups all over the country. You can read Boymeat’s keynote about the inception and purpose of such groups here. They be all over Fetlife.

While some groups cater to the general “whips and chains” crowd, others are for specific segments of the population: spanking groups, rope groups, Dom groups, bisexual switch groups, queer groups, women’s groups, bulldyke switches with a fruit fetish group, etc.. There are a bunch of other little fetish enclaves, which have their own events. They can be very different creatures from the general BDSM culture. Some fetish groups even look down on or separate themselves from the greater BDSM scene. I know a few spankos (spanking fetishists) who insist that what they do in no way resembles what those kinky perverts in leather do.

*sigh*

Can’t we all just get along?

Sorry. I digress…

National Events

Ever wanted to meet the people whose work you get off to? Do you have money to spend and want to connect with kinksters all over the country? Then national events are the way to go. In my experience, they have a very different feel than local events. They’re a perverted cousin of Sci-Fi/Fantasy conventions. They mostly consist of classes and panels from national presenters, and offer an open play space in the evenings. There are other special programs that tend to be specific to that event. Usually, one stays in the host hotel or nearby hotel, if it’s in a hotel or convention center.

Some events, such as Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, Leather Retreat, and Spank, are held on campgrounds. Those events are particularly awesome, because you can explore your kinky desires without worrying about scaring the non kinky folk or sharing an elevator with small children while decked out in Fetish wear.

Unconferences

In my not so humble and completely biased opinion, the unconference phenomenon is one of the more exciting new developments in the scene. People gather together to share information. Unlike other major events, there are no gurus or names*. People come with curiosity and knowledge and that what gets discussed at the event. It’s a great way to share your knowledge, learn what’s out there, and benefit from other people’s experience.

The format of unconferences vary. The two I’m familiar with are Graydancer’s GRUE and  “Kink for All.”

The GRUE (the one I went to at least) was more open to demos than KFA, and presentations had no set schedule or time limit. It worked surprisingly well. KFA is more structured, in that each presentation must be no longer than 20 minutes. Also, it is held in a non sexual/non play space so that people who are not ready to jump in with both feet have a safe venue to learn about a wide array of things.

If there’s one coming up in your city, I highly recommend going. If there isn’t one, I highly recommend contacting Gray or the KinkforAll people and putting one together.

Sorry. That turned into more of a plug than I’d aniticipated.

So yeah. That’s my two cents, for whatever the going rate is these days.

I must quietly snerk…since the subsequently mentioned GRUE is, in fact, a “name’ event…eponymous as it is for its founder. Just sayin’.