Moving the bar on “healthy.”

For the uninitiated: it is a common practice among kinksters to default "lower-case" (and thereby diminutize) the term submissive/slave and capitalize Dominant/Masters Which pisses me off.

I’m unplugging today, the way I often do when I feel like I’m about to short short-circuit on emotional shit.  It is post Folsom weekend.  The Dominant Guy and his wife are headed back home, and I barely held it together through the weekend as I fretted about not seeing him for an extended period of time. I’m in the beginning of rehearsing for a show, couch surfing for a few months, and thinking I’m probably setting myself up for a massive crash.


It isn’t all that easy for me to think about my life in terms of what is safe and healthy because it is so relative, and because I am still getting to know who I am without alcohol to erase emotional difficulties. Four and a half years isn’t much time in recovery, and every day feels like a new adventure.


Strong emotions…at least the way I experience them…are rough. I have a slight degree of synesthesia, and am easily triggered to full physical emotional and spiritual recall as a result of certain stimuli.


Add to that I’m a pretty twisted pervert and it is really tough, some days,  to figure out what “healthy” means.


Struggling with this today I was surfing Twitter and trying so hard to muster the energy to take my bruised body and put it back into the play of the default world when an eye-catching post crossed my timeline.

The full quote is the following;


 To me, healthy starts when you accept who you are, and what you need, whether or not it’s ideal. And, trust me, it’s rarely ideal. If you know who you are, and you’re okay with what you need, you can start adjusting your environment accordingly. You’re going to be a lot happier functioning as your true self in an environment that fits that self, rather than trying to force changes in yourself to fit an environment.


from Doc Blog


Wow. OK.


This is yet another frying-pan-to-the-head-moment.


I didn’t need another one. I’ve had, like, 4 this weekend alone. I am very delicate right now from all of these motherfucking ephipanies.


I’m going to be processing this for  while.


It might take me a bit to accept that, as off-beat , as non-standard, as crushingly painful and as sublimely beautiful as my life can be, all of it — the whiplash of emotions, the intensity of experience…IS…Healthy.


For ME.



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  1. Krissy on September 26, 2011 at 10:17 PM

    Hey! Do you have a spare few hours for an adoring fan down in Fremont? *bat eyes*

    • mollena on September 27, 2011 at 1:51 AM

      Considering I’m crashed out on an Aerobed not a few miles from you for the next week or so it seems only fair… :-D

  2. Jeff on September 28, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    Hey! That quote is ME! :)

    A friend said that she had seen me quoted, and sent me this way. I’m just so gratified that the post did you some good, and really pleased to see it shared in a community that I so fully support.

    Thanks for spreading the word, and linking me.