OKCupid Episode MDCCCXCVII: A New Hope

Many of us have been there. Doing the online dating thing. I am in the unique position of not only having perused just about all online dating formats available in the past couple of decades, but I have my roots in the primordial soup of online dating: newspaper ad dating. Before that? I’d even spent a couple of years working as an operator (read: decoy)  for “The One Line” (remember Party Lines, oldbies?!?).  My last desk job?  Working as a content slave for the FriendFinder empire. I have an advanced degree in online hookupery and profile-fu. SO believe me, I have been around the block, over the block, poked through the sewers under the block…I got it down.

From personal ads in the L.A. Weekly on to Craig’s List Casual Encounters, I have seen and done so many much. Despite endless, ready hookups and even one or two fun, moderately successful relationships, I never found the person who was fully ready to commit and who was thrilled by the possibility of an ongoing, monoamorous relationship.

“So, Mollena.” you well might ask, “why the FUCK did you keep doing that shit even when it was so rife with fail?”

GOOD Question! You can select any number and combination of the following:

  1. I’m a closeted sunny fucking romantic optimist.
  2. SOME luck is more than NO luck and it don’t take much to keep this bitch hunting!
  3. I’d seen other people have success.
  4. It gave me the feeling of being an active agent in orchestrating my destiny.

And I had enough fun flings, good times, and epic adventures to keep me tending those sketchy-ass virtual Lobster Pots of Love for years. Even the most miserable failed hook-up was rewarded with a prime chance to bitch to the world about it and wind up featured in the “Best of Craig’s List!

Until I decided that I was tired, that the last series of slaps and digs and faceplants was a sign for me to chill the fuck out, and I had a serious conversation with Ganesha in the shower in the dark one night.

Then sometime late on December 19, 2013, two years ago today, I opened OKCupid, read a few dead threads, scoped the suggested matches, and opened the following message.


Hi Mollena,

wow – your profile is great (theatre, sub, unusual spiritual fodder, curvifat black chick, trembling flower of submission…)
I am older than you want (60) but I have a strong German/Austrian accent.
I am strongly interested in BDSM with some experience (I am top) and I do not drink any alcohol.
I trust in the definition of Robert Mapplethorpe “SM means Sex and magic”.

I am an artist, very successful (probably member of the of top 10 or 20 in my genre in the world), crazy, developing new spaces. Especially interested in the dark sides of emotions.

I would like to tame you.

Warm wishes,
Sent Dec 19, 2013


Let’s break this shit down.

Minus: No photo. Usually these were immediately ditched however the content was enough to tip the balance for the following reasons:

  1. Enthusiasm. The simple interjection at the top was uplifting and raw, and suggests a willingness to reveal emotions.
  2. Demonstrated reading comprehension in mirroring back actual detail from all over my profile.
  3. Created an opportunity for bonding by establishing a shared lifestyle choice outside of a purely sexual context.
  4. Acknowledged a potential expectation gap while immediately offering a conciliatory “plus” to “make up for” the perceived shortfall.
  5. Matter-of-fact statement of confidence and success, while also sharing detail that could potentially be independently verified by external referencing. Furthermore, described titillating detail on the type of artistic endeavours he pursues.
  6. Clear and unequivocal statement of intent. Erotically charged without feeling slimy, pushy or hyper-aggressive. Suggestive, yet still leaving room for flirtation. Truly, a brilliant stroke.
  7. Closed with what is likely his Default World name, which is a nice little gesture of trust.

This was all looking good to me, so I responded, we exchanged a few emails, made plans to meet within 2 days. He invited me over to his home, which might seem nuts but having a great deal of experience, I was willing to roll the dice because

  1. The locale was well-known to me.
  2. I received and verified sufficient documentation to trace his workplace,  had his home address, passed this intel onto several friends, and disclosed this to him up front. He was advised him that my disappearance would trigger an Armageddon of furious, nosy, bloodthirsty Perverts and specifically two tenacious Lesbians in Queens who would put a mighty hurting on him. And THEN he’d have to deal with my Mom and he did not want any of that.
  3. My Spidey Sense wasn’t tingling in a negative manner, so, yeah.

While I don’t advise people go to the houses of strangers willy-nilly, I do advise people to take the risks they’re prepared to take.

And this risk?

Sweet Lord Ganesha…best leap of faith to which I have ever closed my eyes and submitted.

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