Jul 142009
 

I had Someone Who Has Been Flirting with me ask me today if I “…liked kissing.”

Which is a pithier query than one might think.

See, being uninitiated in the vagaries of my journey and experience within the BDSM community, he couldn’t have been aware of how charged a question this was for me.

 

For some, kissing is prerequisite for all sexual activity.  No making-out?  No second base, no third base, no scoring at all.

But the politics of kissing are often very complex.

I had a play partner who was semi-poly. He was permitted certain types of play outside of his primary relationship, but kissing was NOT on the list of permitted activities.

An odd act for his primary partner to claim as her own? Not really.

The act of kissing before, during and after a scene can do a great deal in terms of intimacy, in accessing vulnerability, in offering comfort. Yes, just  a simple kiss. Lacking that type of connection, many bottoms felt very differently about scening.

“He never even kissed me! It was weird, I felt…used.” one sub said to me, after playing with this top.

“Did you ask in negotiation about what he could and couldn’t do? He is pretty upfront about that kind of thing.” I asked.

She shrugged “It never occurred to me to ask.”

Indeed.

Many things never occur to us when we jump, headfirst, into the heady pool of BDSM. It is so inviting, forbidden, hot sexy and outré, we often miss the fact that one of the simplest and most basic of acts can be the key to a deeper intimacy than we ever expected.

The last relationship in which I was involved featured lots of kissing, and I had forgotten how fucking amazing a long make-out session can be. He was in the habit of keeping his eyes open while kissing and I would be surprised anew when I opened my eyes to find him intently watching me as I became lost in this simple sensuality. That alone was, now and again, enough to abruptly pull me into one of those sweetly subtle full body orgasms that catch me unexpectedly, and delightedly and leave me giddy and breathless, wondering if I really just came or if I imagined it.  But it wasn’t ever imagined.

 

If you can’t fuck me with your mouth, how are you going to handle fucking all of me at once?

 

“Do you like kissing?” becomes a dusty, unused portal into the sexuality of your partner when all of the bigger flashier bells and whistles and whips and paddles and Wartenburg Wheels are taken away.

have found my most submissive moments without the aid of toystropes and props.

And my most intimate moments fully dressed, in the midst of an act you can get away with pretty much anywhere.

Yes, I love kissing, is my answer.

Thank you for asking.

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  39 Responses to “The fundamental things apply…”

  1. i glad you mention orgasm from kissing, i always thought i was the only one, or perhaps insanely sensitive.

    it always wireds me out if my Dominate doesn’t want to kiss, it used to drive me up the wall. recently though it became one of those things i just accepted.

    • I really do, at present, take it as a signal of what level and type of intimacy that person is seeking comfortable with. If they don’t make kisses a priority, or deliberately avoid it, or dole it out carefully, or jump in full-bore….all of these subtleties are, to me, important bits if information.

      Peace

      ~Mollena

  2. that is the Holy Grail…. if you are not well versed in the fine art
    of kissing… then you cant chew gum and walk….

    lamesabassman … so just forget about the lovemaking part ’cause
    you cant hang there.either…

    • Hell to the yes. And the thing is, a poorly delivered kiss (mouth open too wide, too drooly, too much biting, too rough, too mushy…) can really be a buzzkill and slam the door on possible future encounters.

      Peace

      ~Mollena

  3. Kind of reminds me of the whole Pretty Woman thing – she would do anything except kissing because “kissing’s too personal.”
    I agree – a person can skip second or maybe even third base- but first base is mandatory.

    • You know what is so funny? I’ve never seen that movie but it has so thoroughly become part of pop culture I’m aware of that scene. ;-)

      Yes, even stylized sex-workers know the deal: kissing is VERY intimate.

      Peace

      ~Mollena

  4. […] The Fundamental Things Apply from Mollena For some, kissing is prerequisite for all sexual activity.  No making-out?  No second base, no third base, no scoring at all. But the politics of kissing are often very complex. […]

  5. […] The Fundamental Things Apply… “Do you like kissing?” becomes a dusty, unused portal into the sexuality of your partner when all of the bigger flashier bells and whistles and whips and paddles and Wartenburg Wheels are taken away. […]

  6. Nicely written. And kissing does change a scene…CK and I have scened with and without kissing, before we were dating and now.

    There is one lovely young man that I got to try out my strap-on harness with. I fucked him (with the strap-on, there was no penetration of my own personal self), teased his cock, flogged the hell out of him…but it never once occurred to me to kiss him. And it actually would have been strange, in my opinion, if I had. That wasn’t the energy we had going.

    It’s an amazingly intimate gesture for something so simple. Gets the bonding hormones going, if I’m not mistaken.

    • I love that intimacy can be rediscovered throughout lifetimes. This is part of the reason I grin when people talk about how “boring vanilla sex” is.

      You’re doing it wrong, I think…

      love

      Mo

  7. Bad kissing definitely sets the tone for the whole sexual experience, in my opinion. I enjoy the full lip that I can kiss, lick, suck, pull, and nibble on to my heart’s content. I admit I do have a thing for fuller lips just because they are more fun to play with, but that’s another subject.

    Also, sex without kissing does make me feel used. The entire act of sex is less intimate without that one concession. It’s like a lovely appetizer of what is to come. It’s relaxing, or thrilling, or suggestive. There are many ways to kiss.

    And yes, the quote from “Pretty Woman” has stayed with me, too, throughout these years.

    • I very much agree that the “used” feeling is very strong when I have an explicitly sexual encounter that does not include smooching.

      Lucky for me, I LOVE being “used” by the right person… :-D

      Thanks for reading!

      Peace

      Mollena

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  21. I like to build intimacy with my submissives and kissing is exactly where that starts. Not being a professional dominant and being a very busy woman I don’t have time for a string of submissive men nor is that my style.I am looking for one who will fit into my life not only as a play partner and an escort but an intimate friend and lover.

    I want to get to know a person before I break out the strap-on, crops, paddles and other assorted items. BDSM for me is an intimate experience and always starts out with plenty of communication, verbal, written and of course kissing, touching and once we get that far then a paddle and strap-on.

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  31. What an interesting post. I have not explored BDSM much so far, but when we were actively swinging, I often reserved kissing only for my husband. I did not WANT to be that intimate with a stranger. Now that I am exploring a bit more “one-on-one”, I am really enjoying kissing. If our chemistry doesn’t click in the kissing stage, I highly doubt it is going to work in any other arena. It also sounds very interesting to mix the tenderness of kissing with BDSM, as I imagine a good deal of trust must be necessary for a good experience.

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  34. Feeling kinky? Never been to Iceland, but we can reach over the OCEAN and get some wet mast**** or a cool kiss.

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