Ask The Negress: Privacy & Perversion.
It is OK to be in the closet. Some of the best toys are there.
This new Formspring thing is pretty amazing. I’ve been blessed with some amazing questions, and have seen some wonderful answers to questions I’ve asked. One in particular has been resonating for many people, so I wanted to post it here.
I’m coming (painfully) out of my first relationship that had a true BDSM element, but my kink is a very private one. I’m not poly, I don’t think I’d enjoy playing in public, and the whole “scene” idea terrifies me. But it’s very much a part of who I am, and this relationship has opened whole new parts of my heart and mind. However, leaving this relationship is scaring the hell out of me because I’m afraid I’ll never again be able to find someone who is content with BDSM in our private life, but not in public and with dozens of play partners. I feel hopeless and scared. Advice?
(I’ve done a bit of editing to my original answer, since I’m teh typo queen)
I wish I could say these feelings you are having are restricted to those in your position. For better or worse, you ain’t alone.
I feel the same way and I AM “out.”
I travel all over the country and meet thousands of perverts a year.
The fear of never feeling those amazing feelings again is VERY persuasive. I believed it when I first had my affair with The Limey Musician. That he was The Only ONE. Then I figured out it wasn’t just him, it was ME. I was the pervert. So I went and found other “me”s
You ARE NOT the only one who wants what you want.
I PROMISE YOU: for every pervert flying somewhere to beat someone they see a few times a year and then going back home to their spouse, lover, sub and slave, there are at least fifty people in their bedrooms, unlocking secret under-the-bed cabinets, and getting their freak on in whatever way suits them
It is simple, and yet very tough, to meet the person you will need to have your needs met.
It is simple because all you have to do is be honest.
It is very tough because you have to be all honest.
Look, lots of people do D/S in their relationships. When I ask my non kink-identified friends in relationships the question “If you WERE kinky, who would be the top / bottom or would one or both of you switch?” you know what?
99% of the time, they answer clearly and promptly.
Why?
Because we ALL. DO. POWER. EXCHANGE.
Some of us just feel compelled to do that shit in front of other people and talk about it. A LOT 
But kink is everywhere. I, for example, cut and pasted my kink profile, verbatim, into a “normal” dating site. I got plenty of responses and NONE of them were “OMG you are such a freak lets hook up!” Those “non-kinky” people were far more respectful than the average douchetard on most kink sites. They were curious and respectful. Some were (gasp) themselves kinky.
We ARE out there. You have to have the balls / ovaries / whatever to say “This is me. This is what I need. Can this work for you?” and be prepared for some to say “No.”
But also? Be prepared for someone to say “Hey. O.K Let’s check that out.”
You will be OK.
Let me break this down: My most sexually satisfying and deeply kinky relationships have been with non “scene” people.
And of my Long Term Relationships? 50/50 “Avowed Perverts / Non-Kink-Identified.”
Take a look at that statistic.
Only HALF.
HALF of my serious relationships, in the past 12+ years (since pervery) have been with “Scene People.”
We are everywhere.
Have faith.
Feel your feelings, and let them go.
Much love to you. You are cared for. We are here.
Thanks so much Mo.
I’m going through the same things, only less private about it. Still, the scene selection can be limiting and it’s nice to know that I can find it and others outside of the local scene.
You are completely right about being open and honest. I’ve found that it serves me well in all aspects of life.
You should know that your words resonate. Again, thankyou!
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Comment by Jennifer — December 20, 2009 @ 6:39 pm
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> Those “non-kinky” people were far more respectful than the average douchetard on most kink sites.
Boy, I’ll say.
And what’s more, you don’t have to look at every Tom, Dick and Harry’s ugly cockshots. Or all of the ugly twats.
Why do people plaster pictures like this all over their profiles anyways?
kinkylittlegirl´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Tantrums, Dominants, and BDSM
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Comment by kinkylittlegirl — January 5, 2010 @ 7:36 am
[...] Part I: The Basics Ask The Negress: Privacy & Perversion. Boundaries… Do Slaves Deserve Love? Gyne-Vestiphobia: Fear of Women’s Clothing Let There Be [...]
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Pingback by e[lust] #4 : Tales from the Porn Store — January 25, 2010 @ 11:01 pm
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