Milestone ahead.

Since March 13th 2007 I have been on a pretty amazing journey. It started with me finally saying aloud “I’m an alcoholic. And I need help, because I don’t want to die.” I’ve been sober since March 14th. That’s also Pi Day. And “Steak & A Blowjob Day,” if you celebrate such things ;-)

 

Since then, I haven’t awakened and had booze at the top of my priority list. Since then, I haven’t been afraid to leave my house due to alcohol induced paranoia. Since then, I haven’t had a mouthful of whiskey before my eyes were even open in the morning. Since then, I haven’t awaked to a bed I’d pissed because I was too drunk to feel it. Since then, I haven’t driven with one hand over one eye to see straight, praying the whole time and promising God I would stop drinking if I just got home safe. Since then, I haven’t lied to God. Since then, I haven’t lied to myself or anyone else.

 

Since then, I haven’t given up on my life.


With the help of my friends, I got into the Joe Healy Medical Detox program. Twenty-one days voluntary inpatient. As a first timer, my chances for staying sober were shit.

 

Check this shit…

 

A 2002 study by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism surveyed a group of 4,422 adults meeting the criteria for alcohol dependence and found that after one year, some met the authors’ criteria for low-risk drinking, even though only 25.5 percent of the group received any treatment, with the breakdown as follows: 25 percent were found to be still dependent, 27.3 percent were in partial remission (some symptoms persist), 11.8 percent asymptomatic drinkers (consumption increases chances of relapse) and 35.9 percent were fully recovered — made up of 17.7 percent low-risk drinkers plus 18.2 percent abstainers

Don’t get me started on the racial discrepancies between whites and blacks when it comes to death and illness from alcohol related illness.
I came out as a drunk when I was in detox. I had my friend post for me on my blog, letting the world know I was a drunk, and I was getting help. And people from the Leather & BDSM communities reached out in ways that, to this day, humble me.

 

When I told my rehab counselor about wanting to get my sobriety date inked, she told me that was a bad idea. “You’ve never tried to get sober. The relapse rate is something like 80% for first-timers. What will you do when you have that on you and you’re starting over?”

 

I didn’t even have to think.

 

“Well thanks for the vote of confidence. IF I relapse then I’ll get a line through March 14th and get the next date tattooed below that. And the next. And God forbid the next. If I die covered in dates, so be it. I’m not going to give up.”

 

Against the odds, I’m coming up on five years. Five years since the demon of my alcoholism appeared in the form of a rather large rather dense form as I lay sweaty, sick and on six different types of medications to keep me from dying of seizures, to help me sleep, to get my insane blood pressure under control, to control the nausea, to keep me alive. Five years since I walked into Joe Healy and came face to face with my night nurse, who was in charge of monitoring me for consciousness and seizures and realized she and I knew one another from the Leather community, and she smiled this small smile and said “I’m glad to see you, Mo. Maybe not the best circumstances…but it’ll be OK.”

 

Five years since I walked out of Joe Healy after 21 days and back into my life. Most people as badly off as I was went into halfway houses. Six month programs were the minimum recommended for people as debilitated by I was. But I didn’t feel like I had any choice but to get back to my life. And so I did. And found myself embraced by the Leather community in ways that none of my other support systems did.

 

And I’m still here. Five years and on the other side of the country and I am even stronger. And that is, in part, thanks to you. All of the people who form this community have created a safe space, been family, supported me, challenged me, and been amazing, been assholes, in sum, done everything Family does.

 

So these five years are yours, too. Please take a moment to consider that, for every me? There are thousands of people still suffering from the killing grip of addiction. You almost definitely know at least one person. You may BE one of those people. I hold you in my heart if you are and I hope you get help.

 

I have learned to love my demon. I have learned to embrace my higher power. From hyenas to Hindu deities, it’s been a weird and amazing ride to this milestone. Thank you for being here with me. I hope to celebrate this date every year for as long as I live, and that had better be a long-ass time because I have shit to do.

 

Celebrate with me :-D

 

Love

 

Mollena, (and Bubbles)
PS: Jai Ganesha!

 

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10 Comments

  1. XDO on March 5, 2012 at 11:54 PM

    Jai Ganesha Jai!!!!



  2. Thaniel on March 6, 2012 at 12:36 AM

    So glad to have gotten to know you a bit through the intarwebs. So happy we’re both clean & sober. So proud of you. <3



  3. LilyLloyd on March 6, 2012 at 12:45 AM

    As they say on the giant stone runes of the Ancient Memes of the Interwebz, I love this post because of reasons.

    So many reasons!



  4. Tatiana Belodyne on March 6, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    I’m so glad! I send celebratory love.



  5. Kizz on March 7, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    That nurse’s greeting made me cry.

    xo



  6. Tracy on March 7, 2012 at 10:34 PM

    Congratulations!



  7. Marquita on March 10, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    I’ve never met you but I’m compelled to tell you how proud I am of you. Peace & love be with you.



  8. Krissy on March 11, 2012 at 4:27 AM

    That nurse lives like three blocks from me. I used to see her at weight watchers.

    I’m proud of you. It’s been a long road. I’m awfully glad I know you.



  9. Byrdie on March 14, 2012 at 1:51 PM

    Congratulations. Every few times that I go to my local 12-step meeting, I think of you and your tattoo.



  10. Dani on March 15, 2012 at 9:58 AM

    Congratulations!