When do you tell?
Someone wrote an article about having herpes. While I am glad that the discussion is happening, the opening paragraph bugged me.
Upon re-reading this article, something that nagged at me nagged me further. The author opens with
“We were naked. He was hard. I’d always considered this moment the best time to disclose, because rejection seemed less likely when the possibility of a good lay was hot-breath close. Though maybe once we’re naked, it’s too late.”
Fucking uncool.
I KNOW… personally, how tough this conversation is. I wrote about it most recently here NO SHAME: Coming Out Positive.  I’ve seen Sex Educators / Communication Ninjas like Reid Mihalko and Midori model how to do this with grace, dignity and even humor.
I have a real problem with someone deliberately waiting until the “clear-eyed consent” window is passed to bring up this critical matter. I have a problem with it because she is doing so in order to minimize “rejection.” I feel like that edges on coercion. Maybe it is my kink upbringing, but consent while NOT “under the influence” is very important. And the anonymous author isn’t doing that.
Read Reid’s “Elevator Speech” for sharing about STDs and STIs. Seriously.
I feel like we need to not just talk about talking abou it, but present strategies for doing it well and honest;y and with complete, informed consent. not ambushing motherfuckers because we’ll feel bad if they say “No.”
To the author: when I ask people to play, or to fuck, and I get a “No, thanks.” I appreciate that they have given me the gift of honesty. Â I straightforward response outshines a fear-based approach every damned time.
I’m curious at to your thoughts…when do you ask? When do you disclose? When do you have “The Talk About STD/STIs?”
“I have a real problem with someone deliberately waiting until the “clear-eyed consent†window is passed to bring up this critical matter. I have a problem with it because she is doing so in order to minimize “rejection.†I feel like that edges on coercion. Maybe it is my kink upbringing, but consent while NOT “under the influence†is very important. And the anonymous author isn’t doing that.”
THIS!
All of that!
To have anything – any STD, or STI – and not disclose it from the very first flirtation is lying by omission, and to wait until the last minute, when your hormones and endorphins are playing havoc on your capacity to think clearly IS coercive!
Not Cool!
Now, it could very well be that we’re biased. Kink community folk have a huge thing about consent boundaries, and any possibility of violating them.
I wouldn’t play with someone when they were drunk, and I’m certainly not going to lie by omission (or wait until the timing proves convenient for me) about something like my health!
Love your work, and keep it up!
Thain
I have it in my dating profile. I try to tell people as soon as possible to minimize attachment/damage. I’ve had some rejection, but I’ve also gotten a lot of great responses. And hot sex. Lots of hot sex.
Absolutely right, Mollena! That first approach is uncool – it would totally shatter my trust in someone if they left it that long to bring up.
I briefly dated a guy who had herpes. I really appreciated the way he handled it. He told me very quickly up front and gave me the space to learn about what that means, and didn’t pressure me. That made a lot of difference to me – it made me feel safe, and actually upped his chances of getting a yes out of me.