Once again, I’m irritated into action.
I see a lotta lotta poly types leveling-up their stamina by taking swings at monogamy, and monoamorous people.
Not a fan.
Mind you, there are plenty of polyfolks who do NOT engage in this bullshit. My excellent friend Cunning Minx, a big time advocate of poly, is so awesome as to have me on her show, not just once but twice, specifically to talk about being a monogamous person navigating the overwhelmingly polysaturated BDSM / Kink / Leather Confederacies. The Lovely and amazing Anita Wagner, an excellent crossover educator, came to one of my classes on monogamy in the scene years ago and we’ve been friends ever since, because of her eloquent refutation of these dismissive attitudes so prevalent among poly folks.
Recently, I saw a post on FB that went like this:
“If you don’t trust that what you bring to relationship is unique and incomparable, then polyamory may not be for you.” ~ Kamala Devi
Now, Pamela Madsen, who rocks, qualified the sentiment to expand that to ALLrelationships. And THAT makes sense to me. That is a HUMAN thing, the need to value the self. But when I read it, my first reaction was “Wait. It isn’t tough to extrapolate that not wanting polyamory means, by this statement, that I do not / am not trusting my own awesomeness. Why do you have to define yourself by pointing out a lack in those who don’t do what you do?” Maybe it is semantics and I hope that the author isn’t in the realm of poly people who believe their way of being is more enlightened and awesomer than us poor sods who “limit ourselves” to “only one love” because we “aren’t emotionally evolved enough to love without restraint” or whateverthefuckelse people are saying these days.
Fact is? I am not even a hardline monogamist. My very first High School relationship had a polysegment. However! My heart bonds to one. Person. At. A. Time. I simply do not “see” other people as potential partners once I am in the stream with my partner. I can play with friends, do a scene, have a great romp, but my emotional focus? 100% of that shit is made available SOLELY to the person to whom I am submitting. Trial and error and error and error have demonstrated it is very tough to find polyfolk who can manage my degree of intensity and focus while managing multiple streams of attention. That doesn’t make me too needy, and it doesn’t make them bad at poly. It makes us an imperfect match, and you move the fuck on…WITHOUT shredding the other person as unevolved. Or greedy. Or the relationship as a failure.
The superior-to-thou attitude is somewhat understandable. Poly people get all kinds of shit from the Default World. But it ain’t sexy to slam the Default World back by putting down people who don’t walk your path. And I AM an ally. An active fucking ally.
And my level of emotional evolution is not even a fucking question.
SO, I’m all annoyed and about mono/poly shit and INSPIRATION hit me.
I’ll talk about it, to The People, because why the fuck not?
Here’s a class description I just now pulled out of my ass…because why the fuck not…
Care & Feeding of The Monoamorous: A Primer for the Polyamorous
Monogamous / Polygynous/ Polyamorous / Monoamorous / Open/ Closed…however you self-identify, you may well find yourself attracted to or looking at a relationship with someone who isn’t an exact alignment with your default relationship style. Is this match-up doomed to failure? Are you setting yourselves up for disappointments? Well, I don’t think so. Join me for a discussion on how mono/poly relationships CAN work and thrive…and glean from the experience from someone who, despite identifying as monoamorous, has had wonderful relationships with polyamorous and non-monogamous folk. We will discuss pitfalls and perks, triumphs & tribulations, and take a look at how to co-exist peacefully and successfully as we all work towards improved communications and deeper connection.
And hey-presto! I just now created the outline for the class.