Mar 142014
 

Seven years ago today, I was in rehab, on about six different medications to try to keep me alive but sedated so I wouldn’t have seizures. Because roughly 10% of alcoholics who stop drinking cold turkey are killed by brain seizures.

I was ashamed and terrified but determined to try to live.

I met my demon that first night, and we ave grown so much since then.

I had a dream about a tattoo of that date. My counselor told me it was a bad idea. “First-timers relapse within the first year at the rate of over 75%. You don’t want that reminder when it is important to you to continue to focus on your recovery.”

Well of course that only made me more determined and I said “I will not relapse. But if I DO and I somehow survive that I’ll go back, get an X through this date and get the next one below it. And the next. As many as it takes.”

But I like this one just fine.

Today is seven years later and the shock of abundance & joy in my life grows daily.

Thank you to the friends who stuck around…and the ones who did not.

Thank you to my owner, for showing me the miracles are still happening.

Jan 012014
 

Skidding into the end of a year that was, on balance, more emotionally difficult than not, and rough on my relationships I held dear.

Amidst the usual online dating fails, I received a message on December 19th. Respectful with a little bit of zest, acknowledging he was a bit older than I’d initially indicated I sought, but selling me on the fact he has an accent…it was intriguing enough to get me to respond. According to OKCupid, we were a 92% match…which is pretty fucking unusual. A successful composer, newly relocated to NYC from Europe, looking for a BDSM oriented relationship…well, fuck it. Let’s see how this goes.

How it goes…well. Continue reading »

Nov 112013
 

I don’t often pay much attention to Veteran’s Day except to ponder the horribleness of war. But this morning I realized the most influentiam man of my childhood served in the armed forces..and I don’t even know where he is today.

My Father is (was?) a Navy Vet, having served  in Vietnam and surviving the 1967 USS Forrestal fire, one of the worst disasters in US Naval history.

Today, I wonder where he is, if he is still alive. And remember the gifts he gave me despite his own struggles with PTSD and manic depression. World travel, despite our being poor. Virtuosic brilliance, despite his own emotional struggles. And unflagging curiosity. It took decades for me to forgive him for shit he couldn’t even control…but I hope to tell him someday.

The photo on the upper right is from his time aboard the Forrestal.

The photo on the upper right is from his time aboard the Forrestal.

If magic of this sort works and you still walk the earth, Daddy, thank you. Thank you for not being sensible, and for taking us to Morocco and all over Europe. Thank you for letting me watch things I had no business watching. Thank you for giving me “grown-up” books i wasn’t supposed to be able to read yet, because I read those fuckers anyway. Thank you for your valiant efforts to fight depression and to harness your manic streaks. Thank you for teaching me to hot weld in first grade. For eerie brilliance, and for being pretty damn amazing even if it took me too long to realize it.

Thank you for building a boat in the living room.

Thank you for holding my little hands and singing to me as I danced while standing on the tops of your boots. Thank you for trying your best.

Thank you for surviving.

Jun 222013
 
[Originally Posted in the fall of 2011, my thinking on submission and what it means to me now has motivated me to dig back and see what it meant to me then.]
budha face
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” ~Buddha

As a submissive – someone who prefers relationships where there is a mutually beneficial unequal power dynamic – I have done quite a bit of self-exploration around my needs and desires. And as someone who seeks out a master / slave relationship – a relationship where one human secedes power and control over themselves on an ongoing basis to another human – I have had to navigate some very rough seas before finding a safe harbor of self-acceptance. This is an ongoing process, and one in which I’ve been participating for many years. My experience has been inclusive of several years of real-time experience, and many more years of exploration, self-examination, trial-and-error, and research. But research and bits and pieces of experience and all of these things can only get one so far. So much about relationships involves…well…relating. You can spend years in study but until you’re field tested? It hovers in the realm of theory.

I have always been an advocate of self-advocacy. It is so very vital for those in power-exchange relationships to do their very best to negotiate carefully. All relationships have a degree of vulnerability: those of us who voluntarily accept the will of another as superseding our own, or who agree to accept additional responsibility for another human as their “property” have an additional layer of vulnerability. From the perspective of those who submit, the need to remain open and transparent can feel extremely risky. The same holds true for those on the other side of the slash. Dominants and masters put themselves on the line, too. It is important to maintain a balance amidst the inequality.

Sounds like a paradox? It is and it isn’t. Continue reading »

Feb 142013
 

VD. Blah blah, buckets of haterade.

I AM bitter and single on VD. Again. I have spent more of them single than not. And the ones where I WAS partnered, the pressure made ‘em miserable.

My friend, the awesome Laura Antoniou, has a rather compelling essay on why she’s not a fan… check it out here.

I was in on a cute collaboration with Hannah Friedman! She put together a bunch of YouTube, Blog and Twitter gals getting Medieval on “Love“.

 

Oh and? Plus?

 

Just in case you still thought VD was some sweet, Innocent celebration of love, check out THE WORLD’S MOST HORRIFYING CARD EVAR!!!

Continue reading »

Sep 062012
 

Sometimes I stop and take stock and crack myself up.

I’m living my life from the inside so I don’t often think about the reality of how amazing it is, really. So this morning when I said to my roomate / Evil Landlady (who happens to be internationally known author and speaker Laura Antoniou) and said “You know, I’m sitting here all tired about the shit I gotta do because my day looks like-a-this:

 Get up go into Manhattan to meet my famous photographer friend Aeric Meredith Goujon, who is editing the film I’m producing as commissioned by Madison Young for an exhibit for the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, where I’m performing in the same program with Midori. Oh yeah, and the film is me being spanked by Lolita Wolf, Sinclair Sexsmith, Nayland Blake, Lee Harrington and the aforementioned evil landlady.”

Yeah, typical Thursday morning.

 

photo from “IMPACT.” by Aeric Meredith-Goujon

 

The funny part? It is the way lots of my life goes. And I forget that I’m a daily miracle. Continue reading »

Aug 282012
 

I found out last week that my one remaining cat, Wedge, was sick. But I guess i can’t call him mine because I’d tried to find him a home before i left California so that his life would be more stable. As I found out last week, his life wasn’t all that stable after all. He had some rough times…and got sick. But today at 11:00 PDT, his troubles will be over.

Please find peace, Wedge. I am sorry. I will miss you every day, just as I miss your brother Biggs.

 

Aug 162012
 

There isn’t much grace or dignity in pouring out one’s guts all over the damn internet. I’m protective of my rough spots, mostly because I loathe the idea of The Haters smirking smugly at my difficulty. And also because it is pretty easy to look at someone’s life from the outside and assume they’re doing just fine. I’m sure to give an honest answer when I’m asked “Hey, how are you doing?” and that way, try to maintain some transparency. But the answer, most of the time, is not so simple.
It seems weird to say “Things are going really well…and I’m still sad.”

This is today.

Tomorrow will, I’m sure, be different. Continue reading »

Mar 162012
 

 

I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”

 

I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I  needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.

 

And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.

 

I did everything I could, and more.

Continue reading »