VD 2013…same old song.

Feb 142013

VD. Blah blah, buckets of haterade.

I AM bitter and single on VD. Again. I have spent more of them single than not. And the ones where I WAS partnered, the pressure made ‘em miserable.

My friend, the awesome Laura Antoniou, has a rather compelling essay on why she’s not a fan… check it out here.

I was in on a cute collaboration with Hannah Friedman! She put together a bunch of YouTube, Blog and Twitter gals getting Medieval on “Love“.

Oh and? Plus?

Just in case you still thought VD was some sweet, Innocent celebration of love, check out THE WORLD’S MOST HORRIFYING CARD EVAR!!!

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.

Sep 062012

Sometimes I stop and take stock and crack myself up.

I’m living my life from the inside so I don’t often think about the reality of how amazing it is, really. So this morning when I said to my roomate / Evil Landlady (who happens to be internationally known author and speaker Laura Antoniou) and said “You know, I’m sitting here all tired about the shit I gotta do because my day looks like-a-this:

Get up go into Manhattan to meet my famous photographer friend Aeric Meredith Goujon, who is editing the film I’m producing as commissioned by Madison Young for an exhibit for the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, where I’m performing in the same program with Midori. Oh yeah, and the film is me being spanked by Lolita Wolf, Sinclair Sexsmith, Nayland Blake, Lee Harrington and the aforementioned evil landlady.”

Yeah, typical Thursday morning.

photo from “IMPACT.” by Aeric Meredith-Goujon

The funny part? It is the way lots of my life goes. And I forget that I’m a daily miracle. Continue reading »

Goodbye, Wedge.

Aug 282012

I found out last week that my one remaining cat, Wedge, was sick. But I guess i can’t call him mine because I’d tried to find him a home before i left California so that his life would be more stable. As I found out last week, his life wasn’t all that stable after all. He had some rough times…and got sick. But today at 11:00 PDT, his troubles will be over.

Please find peace, Wedge. I am sorry. I will miss you every day, just as I miss your brother Biggs.

How You Know You Are On The Rag.

Aug 222012

1) Experience Violent chocolate pudding craving.

2) Go on midnight pudding run in strange town.

3) Discover there is no pre-made pudding.

4) Buy milk, pudding mix & Lactaid pills so you can eat whole milk.

4A)…because FUCK SOY MILK I AM TIRED OF NOT HAVING THE REAL STUFF YOU BASTARD COLON!! Continue reading »

This is today. Tomorrow will, I’m sure, be different.

Aug 162012

There isn’t much grace or dignity in pouring out one’s guts all over the damn internet. I’m protective of my rough spots, mostly because I loathe the idea of The Haters smirking smugly at my difficulty. And also because it is pretty easy to look at someone’s life from the outside and assume they’re doing just fine. I’m sure to give an honest answer when I’m asked “Hey, how are you doing?” and that way, try to maintain some transparency. But the answer, most of the time, is not so simple.
It seems weird to say “Things are going really well…and I’m still sad.”

This is today.

Tomorrow will, I’m sure, be different. Continue reading »

On “closure…”

Mar 162012

I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”

I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.

And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.

I did everything I could, and more.

Beautiful obstacles.

Feb 062012

Sometimes, The Lord has to Kick Ass.

Sometimes it is very easy for me to share my story. I run to the keyboard and pour out an idea that has sprung to mind, or eagerly type out the results of some brainhamster action. And other times, I agonize over every word, humming “Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood…” tersely under my breath over and over, hoping that I will hit it just right, and that people reading will grok my ideas, not tear me apart, have mercy on my soul, and see themselves in my story.

Other times, I am compelled to NOT share, because of internal ethical considerations or external influences.

And other times I desperately want to share and…can’t. A combination of things. Timing, uncertainty, confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear…and in those times, I just have to wait.

I hate waiting. But I have learned a great deal about patience in the past decade or so. And even more in the past year or so.

So let me rewind a little.

I’m the 48%.

Jan 272012

I’ve been going to see healthcare professionals about my sexual health since 1985. I was sixteen, and my boyfriend and I were fucking one another’s brains out with predictable results. I’d a scorching UTI, and Planned Parenthood was most accommodating. Since then, I’ve been quite attentive of my sexual health. Regular pelvics, started up my breast exams promptly when I hit 40. PAP smears at least every year…more frequently when there were some ambiguous results back when I was in my early 20s.

I usually don’t sweat it when I go in for STD and STI test results. The notable exception being for the year or so after a guy violated my boundaries and committed an act of sexual assault by penetrating me without a condom. I was apprehensive then, and made sure to step up my game about being tested. I’d had the usual screening. They asked me about my drug and alcohol use, number of partners, safer sex practices…any symptoms I’d displayed…the works.

And I’d never received any troubling news. Not until December 23rd.

What I’m not saying.

Jan 252012

Leather Reign The past month or so has been difficult in ways I’ve not seen before, and to a degree I’ve not previously experienced.

I’m used to doing my processing out loud, and it has helped me immensely. I thrive on tossing up my inner workings, letting them come to light, welcoming others to join the chorus of “Me, too!” and shine light into my dark corners, hoping that, by proxy, others feel less alone.

I’ve had some deep impact hits, life-altering shit that for which I do not yet have words, but weigh heavily on me. Part of what was so difficult is that my old coping mechanism (blackout alcoholism) no longer is viable, and my newer coping mechanism (sharing in the public forum) isn’t really viable in real-time, as is my wont.

I have had the challenge of now having to overcome my fear and having to reach out to my friends and say

“I don’t know what to do. I’m hurting. I need help.”

And quietly, beautifully, I’ve received it. From people I know well, from people I’ve only recently had in my life, from friends of decades of acquaintance. From kinky folks, from family, from Family, from people who don’t even realize that they are helping me get through this, one day at a time. Continue reading »

New on Sexis Magazine: “See Mom, It’s Like This…”

Jan 072012

I was inspired to write a piece about coming out to my Mom about being kinky. I was inspired by a moment of very deep gratitude when i saw a friend talking about how unaccepting her Mother had been about her sexuality.

So fucking Uncool.

I’m doubly proud that, when I called Mom to ask if she minded me writing the piece, and on top of that if she was OK with my using a photo of the two if us together, she said she was happy to have both of those things happen.

Not bad for a nice Baptist church lady, eh?

From the column…

I took a deep breath, asked her if she really wanted to know, since it had to do with my sexuality. She said yes, she did want to know. So I braced myself and told her I’d been in Washington DC to teach a class at Black Rose… a kink and BDSM convention.

“BDSM?”

“Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission Sadism & Masochism. You know, the whips and chains people.”

“Oh! Wow. And here I though you were a lesbian and were embarrassed to tell me.”

I laughed silently. But I figured now wasn’t the time to lay on the outing myself as bisexual as well: if my high-school triad hadn’t given it away, she didn’t need this additional data point right then!

She asked me some surprisingly challenging questions, and when she asked me how it was to give people spankings, I realized I had to come out to her again… as a submissive.

“Now that is a surprise. I would have though you would be a dominatrix!”

“Yeah, Ma, so does everyone else…”