Ask The Negress: For the New Kids on the Block.

Putting up a kink-related Q&A from Wanna see your question posted on my blog? Ask me now! I respond to all of ’em and questions that nudge me or seem to resonate for folks will make it here :-)

Do you have any advice for people who are new to public scenes/BDSM in general?

Oh gosh. How about a lucky seven things off of the top of my head…?
1) Take your time. It is tempting to run around and try everyone and everything. But BDSM isn’t going anywhere and your kink doesn’t have an expiration date.

2) Use your gut instinct. Safewords and safecalls and negotiation are great! Use them as tools. But in the same way that “cameras on the subway are not a guarantee against crime” (as the announcements go) all of those things won’t save you in a pinch and ought NEVER undermine a “bad feeling.”

3) Ask questions. Regardless if they seem stupid. ESPECIALLY if they seem stupid. Probably the person you’re asking could afford a little mental calisthenics.

4) Get to know people. Watch them play, if you can. If not, take it slow. Again, it isn’t a race. The journey really IS the goal here.

5) Be prepared for the unexpected. Shit you never anticipated is going to come up for you. You can’t always prepared for the unexpected but knowledge that it can and will bite your nose and swipe your hiney will at least mitigate the element of surprise.

6) Listen to those who have gone before…then figure it out for yourself. We all have our ideas about what is or isn’t right, what does or does not work. The Kinkerati have the benefit of having done it before you but it doesn’t mean they’ve done it better than you. Accept wisdom when it resonates for you, let it go when it does not.

7) Have fun. For the love of Ganesha, if the shit is too fucking serious, something ain’t right. There has to be light, love and laughter along with all of the pain, processing and paddles.

Good luck!

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  1. Kyle on December 23, 2009 at 11:44 AM

    Amen, sister! I’m a relative newbie to kink and have never been to a dungeon or a munch or anything. It’s good to be reminded that it’s not a race or a competition, that everyone was a newbie at one point and that learning is a lifetime process. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that people who have done ‘it’ longer (whatever it is) are automatically the experts. Also, that being an expert in something automatically means they know what’s best for you.. which is not the case.

    Great question and great answers, thanks for sharing
    .-= Kyle´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Questions about Poly.. via =-.