Wondering, poly-minded people, from your experience, how you handle this situation!

Poly person #1 asks you to hook up / get down. You’re cool with it, and it just so happens you know  / are friends with / are otherwise cool with their partner, PolyPerson #2.  How do you approach this negotiation? DO you talk to both individually? Sit everyone down? Ask Poly Peron #1 to clear it and then take their word that it is all cool with PolyPerson#2?

And what it there is some gut twitch? Do you back off if PolyPerson#2 seems O but you just have that…feeling?

How do you approach this diplomatically without alienating, stepping on toes OR missing out n a necessary interaction / negotiation?

What is YOUR preference?

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  1. Daddi Kat on December 29, 2009 at 6:05 PM

    Coming from a poly past, I guess I’ll throw in my .02.

    I really think it depends on if the Poly #1 and #2 are primary partners. If this is the case, then yes, both parties need to be involved in the negotiation process.

    My ex and I had veto power over each other’s prospective partners if the mojo just wasn’t feeling right/too much of a drama quotient/it wasn’t a good fit.

    If Poly #2 is an occasional partner, and not a primary for Poly #1, then perhaps they don’t need to be involved in the process.

    YMMV and all that.


  2. Psycosis on December 29, 2009 at 6:11 PM

    Been there a few times. Just trusting that PolyPerson #1 got the ok isn’t always the best because I’ve had that backfire on me more than once, with the threat of a shotgun being the end result of one time. For me talking to PolyPerson #2 individually usually worked out better, especially if there’s already a friendship there, because they could be more frank and tell you if it’s ok with them and if it is what is and isn’t off limits without them subconsciously worrying about hurting PolyPerson #1. As for the gut feeling, follow it if it’s more persistent than the normal second-guessing yourself kind of feeling. All may seem fine but you seem great about reading people as is and you could be picking up on something. I’d say if you’ve got the ok from both and get that sort of feeling then’s a good time to sit down everyone and talk it out. Hope this helps.
    .-= Psycosis´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…HNT – Heart To Heart =-.

  3. Alan Bostick on December 29, 2009 at 6:21 PM

    It’s come up a surprisingly small number of times for me, and it’s generally worked out through me and Poly #1’s taking each other’s word that it’s cool with our respective partners.

    On the other hand, I recently surprised myself with my own “Keep away from my sweetie!” reaction when I was in the role of Poly #2. Try as I might, I couldn’t bring myself to thoroughly like the person interested in my sweetie; they seemed to me to be somehow just a bit off. They never got past preliminary flirting, though, so I never had the need to either object or come to terms with my own misgivings.
    .-= Alan Bostick´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Poetry Does Not Exist =-.

  4. jewelgen on December 29, 2009 at 6:33 PM

    As a poly couple and the sometimes #2 person I would like/appreciate a note via email or FL from said hook up. Not anything long but just a “Hi been talking to saynine about hooking up”..something of that nature. I usually respond with a “Hi” back and add a yes, I know that you and saynine have been talking about hooking up. That way they know that I know. Saynine is alway very up front and honest but it’s nice to reassure the other person. I feel no need to be involved in Saynine’s negotiations others and will tell the other person that , in a nice way of course.

    Now if I was the hook up person I would talk to person #1 about and ask them if they have told person #2 and is everything cool. I ask person #1 if it is expected or preferred by person #2 that we all talk about the play. I then would tell person #1 that I plan on contacting person #2 with a friendly message and introducing myself to person #2.

    We have played with others in the past and have been asked to have dinner with the other person’s significant other as a gesture of good will. One person their other was kinky and another person their other was not. Both times we were just meeting and being social with no talk of play. That worked well and everyone seemed happy. We all had a positive experience.

  5. Stella on December 29, 2009 at 6:36 PM

    I tended more towards reflection-was I dealing with a cheater? is this more about poly2 having insecurity issues that were best left between the two partners? did I want to be involved in whatever healing process might be required for said partner or was it to much drama for me? and most importantly, was I letting my overly sensitive to the feelings of others tendencies talk me out of a great experience?
    I went through ALL of these things before I did the yummy deed since I tended to feel like pure shyt if it became drama during,drama after or made me feel “bad”…

  6. Erinkyan on December 29, 2009 at 7:08 PM

    Well the answer is a bit “DEPENDS” but having said that, here are my thoughts…

    Clearing stuff with someone’s partner is nice, but not necessary. The person in question should be doing that themselves. If there’s a gut twinge, then checking in with their partner is a good idea. If you just have ‘that feeling’ then I think backing off is the smart thing to do… it’s self protection, and that’s a good thing.

    Because everyone is different, best thing to do is ask person 1 if person 2 would appreciate being asked. That way there’s no assumptions that need making. I’m a fan of asking stupid questions :)
    .-= Erinkyan´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Building Family =-.

  7. eboni on December 29, 2009 at 9:05 PM

    I’d ask Polyperson #1 how they do their negotiations and follow their lead. All poly people don’t have the same amount of openness as others in their relationships and not knowing how much info Polyperson #2 wants to know, I feel like I would be overstepping my bounds by just jumping in on my own and volunteering info they might not want to know. I would have to trust that polyperson #1 is handling their relationships as agreed. If I felt that little gut feeling, I’d let polyperson #1 know about it and if it persisted even after discussion, would probably bow out.

  8. Saynine on December 29, 2009 at 9:31 PM

    As a sometimes Poly person #2 I don’t have any expectation of contact with the other person but I am always glad to hear from them. As far as negotiation goes I have complete trust in jewelgen and know she respects our agreements. In my opinion if a boundary was ever overstepped that would be between her and I anyways.
    .-= Saynine´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…saynine: @shellieshel Well well well said the spider to the fly :-D =-.

  9. RJ on December 30, 2009 at 12:36 AM

    As a poly person, it depends on the nature of the interaction. One time hook-up with no strings, then I’m cool with taking #1’s word on it and proceeding according to my own rules.

    If it is intended to be more of ongoing deal, then I’d like to chat with #2 a little bit. I don’t have to be bosom buddies, but knowing the person involved never hurts.

    If I get the spider-sense tingle, I go slower up to and including backing off altogether. I’ve learned to trust my spider-sense because I’ve paid for it in the past when I don’t.

    As to not cheesing off the other person(s) involved, I just say that I’m not in a place where I can comfortably proceed. Most folks will be cool with it; if they aren’t… well, that’s often been another indicator I made the right choice in backing down.

  10. Darklady on December 30, 2009 at 12:36 AM

    Asking Person #1 to explain the negotiation style of him/her and any partners is probably a good place to start. Then see how that feels to you. If it fills uncomfortable, see if you have a more comfortable option to propose.

    Much may depend upon the context. If this is being considered as a regular thing, making some arrangements to at least eventually meet any other partner(s) feels like a good idea to me. If it’s a single play date, there may or may not be a desire for direct contact. Different people have different preferences — and you can have your own preferences, as well. It’s important to be open to learning what those are and how to communicate them.

  11. Thaniel on December 30, 2009 at 12:55 AM

    I’ve been non-monagamous in most of my relationships, and pretty much always had the same setup: we’ve both wanted to @ least meet the outside interest (if they were local, anyway. If you’re playing far away, go nuts :-) ) As a previous poster said, we’re all different; but I’d be uncomfortable if someone claimed their partner *absolutely* didn’t want to know anything about it–sounds like a setup for nasty surprises! It never came up but I doubt I’d play with anyone my partner really didn’t like. Nothing outside what I have @ home is worth that. As for the gut feelings, I say absolutely listen to them! That voice in the back of your mind won’t be conducive to a good time anyway if you try to ignore it & play anyway.