Q: When a relationship ends, what is the best approach for moving on and regaining self, things that you lost while in that relationship?
A: This is so mutable.
(Which is OK. Gemini’s a mutable sign. I’m good)
The circumstances of the relationship have EVERYTHING to do with the breakup.
- How long was the relationship?
- How amicable was the breakup?
- How was the breakup itself handled?
- How respectfully are you treating one another in the aftermath?
- Were children or other significant others involved?
Etc etc Â etc.
This is all to say this response isnâ€™t at all comprehensive, as my response to such a query would be predicated on some knowledge of the circumstances.
The basic and unsexy response is: give yourself TIME.
It will take time for you to feel better.
First and foremost, I turn to friends. They have perspective, because they knew you before this relationship, loved you then, and still love you now.Â This is yet another reason to not ditch your pals when involved in a relationship. Regardless of your deep abiding love and commitment to the new person. Youâ€™ll feel like an asshole when you need friends for support in rough waters and youâ€™ll feel like an even bigger douchenozzle if the relationship crashes and burns and youâ€™ve let the fields of friendship fall fallow.
I do make an effort to take the time to remember the positive, uplifting aspects of the relationship.Â Fewer things feel worse than the sensation of â€œwasted timeâ€ in a relationship. But nothing that we do is â€œwastedâ€ unless we fail to embrace it. Learn from the shitty stuff and cherish the positive and joyful memories. And if it was all shit from beginning to end, think about what you can do to take back that power and avoid that steaming coil of fail in your next relationship.
Avoid rebound relationshipsâ€¦or donâ€™t. Look, some of the best sexual adventures Iâ€™ve had were rebounders. I HAVE used sex as a way to assuage my bruised ego and feel sexy and desirable. And you know what? It worked. I know it is condemned by many, but unfuck you. I like it.
Now, when it comes to SUBSTITUTING intimacy and forward movement for hot-nasty-NSA-sex, not my bag. But as a nice refresher? If it works for ya, do it.
Rebound relationships can also be OK. Unless they arenâ€™t. I fell quite in love with a man as I was ending my emotionally traumatic long-term relationship with my then boyfriend. I was really convinced that this new fellow was the one for me, and it seemed to be reciprocal. Until he decided that I â€œneeded to move on” Â because I â€œneeded to experience other relationshipsâ€ and shit.
SIDEBAR RANT: People who end relationships based on what they think is good for you are demonstrating a Grade AÂ Chickenshit Tactic â„¢ and that should take w LONG HARD LOOK at their commitment issues.
I stand FIRMLY by this.
But back to the question.
Rebound relationships can be fine, and they can be shitty. Again, you gotta use your own barometer of what is OK, and what isnâ€™t.
After a relationship ends, celebrate yourself.
You made it. Congratulations!
You arenâ€™t dead, and even if you are alone, penniless and freaking out, you know what? Youâ€™re alive. And as clichÃ©d bullfuckery Pollyanna slugshit as that tired-ass truism might be, it is a clichÃ© because it is true.
No one ever actually died from a broken heart. They may have decided not to live anymore, they may have bad shit triggered, and might need meds and therapy, but just from the breakup? No.
Reaffirm your commitment to YOURSELF. Take back your YOUness in whatever way is best for you. Take inventory of your emotional storehouse. Throw out the stuff you donâ€™t need, tidy the shelves, take a deep breath and when you are good and ready, reopen for business.
Because ultimately? Breakups HAVE A PURPOSE.
They give you room to open your heart even further the next time.