Ask The Negress: Q & A. To the submissives…

Q: What tips do you think all submissives need to hear, in your experience?

from … courtesy of Nadia West

Take. Your. Time.
BDSM isn’t going anywhere. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and waiting is just fine. Plunging in headfirst is awesome, until it isn’t. Think of it this way: sure, the first dominant who wants to tie you up and beat you might be awesome. But the 9th dominant you meet might be a better match, and if the first one puts you off your path, or is a jerk, and you say “Wow, I wish I’d waited until I had more time to vet people!” you can’t undo that shit.

Trust Your Gut.
Being kinky shouldn’t reset a lifetime of experiences. If something doesn’t feel right, and you hear “OH, but that’s just how it is done!” then fuck how it is done. You are here to get your needs met, not to walk blindly into something just because someone else says it is so.

Make friends.
Make friends with other submissives. Make friends with switches. Make friend with tops and doms. And I mean platonic friends. People who aren’t out to get in your pants. Folks you can trust for feedback, who are connected in the community, who don’t have ulterior motives for telling you things that might not be in your best interest.

Read everything with a grain of salt.
I don’t care who the fuck said it or wrote it. If it doesn’t resonate for you, take note, and put it aside. Nothing is law. Just because someone’s written 13 books and taught classes all over the world, or is the Big Mucky Muck of the Local Community doesn’t mean they don’t fuck shit up or have skeletons in their toybag. Don’t assume you are safe because the person to whom you are  bottoming is a big name or a well-known player. They fuck up too. Believe me. And what is worse, “Reputation” can serve as a shield against the slings and arrows of reality. Trust what you see, and what you know FIRST. Everything else is secondary.

Be safe.
Being safe CAN mean safewords and safe-calls. But it also means taking your common sense out there along with your genitals. Look, people have been meeting and dating for millennia without the benefit of safe-call networks. It is nice, sure, and it if makes you feel better, great. HOWEVER. That “network” can lure you into a false sense of security and that ain’t fucking WIN, either. Meet in public spaces. At a Munch, whatever. And yes, let people know where you are going. But if that Small Voice is calling to you, don’t say “Well, I’m not sure about them, but I have a safe-call so it will be OK!” because, on some level, eventually? It won’t.

Be brave.
Being submissive doesn’t mean you have to be any one way. See what works for you. Some of us will be shyer, some braver, some will vary wildly between behaviors depending on how they feel. It takes bravery to be who you are AND be submissive. It isn’t an either / or. Take the time to know who you are and be that person regardless of your chosen position in the Power Dynamic.

Never be ashamed.
It is OK to be kinky. Don’t let shame shame you into poor self-care. Get a kink-friendly doctor. Get kink-friendly friends. If something goes wrong, are you prepared to report the problem to law enforcement? Are you prepared to take the hit and the potential embarrassment? No? Then think twice. Seriously. If shame is enough to keep you from taking care of yourself, for fuck’s sake, don‘t do BDSM. YOU are the ONLY person you can rely on 100% of the time, and if your shame might keep you from being safe and from doing what needs to be done when / if  shit goes wrong, stop.

It is OK to say “No.” It is OK to say “Yes.”
Saying no to shit that you don’t wanna do is fine. Saying yes to shit you don’t wanna do is fine, too. Some perverts live for that boundary pushing. Only you know your deepest reasons, your fears, and your desires. As long as you are aware of your risks, and of how far you wanna go, it is totally fine to push those boundaries OR to NEVER approach those boundaries. But make these choices because it is what you want to do, not because it is the way the herd runs.

This is all. YOU. ALL YOU. Not me, not some dominant, not the chorus of “One True Wayers”

This is, at first, all about your needs FIRST. There will be plenty of time later to sublimate your will.

Trust me. ;-)

Once your needs are met, then you can go ahead and revel in the perversion, joyously and happily.

But do YOUR shit FIRST.

Got more? Add it below!

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  1. Kyle on January 20, 2010 at 4:47 PM

    You are so awesome. You are one of my very favorite People-I-Haven’t-Met-Yet. That is excellent advice and reminders, for newbies like me and anybody really. Thank you for continuing to be honest and clear and so very YOU.

  2. thepinkpoppet on January 20, 2010 at 4:54 PM

    Fantastic advice for all subs…as well as Doms. Just fantastic for newbies as well as us that have been kink for awhile…we can always use refresher info. Thanks.

  3. Ice Empress on January 20, 2010 at 5:03 PM

    As always my dear, you know exactly what to say and just how to say it!

  4. Nadia West on January 20, 2010 at 5:17 PM

    Thank you for such a great and detailed answer. While I’ve picked up most of this stuff by now, it sure can be helpful for new subs to hear it.

  5. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Nadia West, Coyote Too. Coyote Too said: Very good advice for *any* relationship. RT @Mollena New post on #ThePervertedNegress … response to @NadiaWest's query! […]

  6. Wendy Blackheart on January 20, 2010 at 8:16 PM

    Huh. I learned the fourth one the hard way.

  7. Dev on January 20, 2010 at 10:40 PM

    I totally agree with all of this. My own submissiveness exists but is kind of all fucked up, but in this life I am mainly the owner of my boyfriend. Our life together is all kinds of awesome, for the most part, but I really wish that in the beginning we had SLOWED THE HELL DOWN. We made a lot of mistakes (not just I, but we) that did harm, mostly to him. To a large extent it is your (the submissive’s) ass/self-esteem/trust/skin/heart on the line.

    Don’t trust a dom or top to take care of you. A good one, or an inexperienced but decent human being, will try, but they may not know what you need. YOU may not know what you need. They may be clueless, tired, thirsty, headspacy, or desperately insecure before, during, or after a scene. Most people are overconfident in their abilities and tops are people, so don’t go out there right away looking for someone with whom you can totally drop your guard and they will care for you. That person might not exist, might be roleplayed by someone who has no business doing so, or might need to be heavily trained to give you what you need despite having all the best intentions.

    If someone gives you the creeps or you didn’t enjoy the scene or you did enjoy it but now have a bad feeling about it, you do not need a defensible-sounding reason not to play with that person again. You are not wrong in your feelings, even if the person is an upstanding model citizen who did nothing wrong. Sometimes nobody is in the wrong.

    Sorry…I could go in circles like this all day.