quiet

I’m no longer surprised that I have this reflexive compulsion to obey The Dominant Guy. That was a given since we first met.

 

What does continue to surprise me is the depth of how far that compulsion goes, and how I sincerely obey before I have even processed what he wants.

 

Submitting when you are doing something you want to do already isn’t all that challenging. It is very challenging when the person whose voice causes your thought processes to actually stop and change direction at their behest is yanking your chain when everything in your body is starting that downhill slide.

 

As busy as my life is, TDG seems to manage to be even busier much of the time, so our being able to connect and have Pithy talks about Pithy Shit isn’t always easy. Today was one of those days where the set-up for some important negotiations to which I’ve been looking forward for a bit were put into motion. OK, so I’m listening, I’m asking good questions, I’m getting my brain around what he wants.

 

Then as happens, he says something I interpret in a way that maybe wasn’t precisely his intention.

Instantly the brainhamsters, urged to OMFG FREAKALOT status, jump on the wheels and start racing.  I’m starting to blur. My Demon shakes her muzzle and stretches out. This is gonna be a long one. I begin to formulate questions for him about this, because I have learned this far, at least, to tell these jagged tales when they surge forward.

 

“Quiet. Listen. Are you paying attention?”

 

No, honestly I wasn’t but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stem the panic that had slammed me in the face.

 

But of course I stopped, took a breath. And said “Yes, I’m listening. Sir.”

 

“Good.”

 

He continues and the smoke started rise from the wheels and the brainhamsters teeny fretful paws blurred faster and faster, hyena barking fear and worrying…

 

” Sssh. Quiet.”

 

And…they stop. All of it. I just…stop. Suspended animation and The Magical Mystery internal Menagerie await the next command.

 

He finishes his train of thought, and asks me if I have any questions. Yeah I do. And whaddya know. They’re addressed. The hamsters wander off.

 

More discussion, more input, more information, more emotional reactions but this time I put my head down. I tell him how I am feeling, as objectively as possible, while whispering a bit of solace to myself for the part of me that bleeds and cries.

 

And eventually and sooner than I would have thought the bleeding is stemmed and the tears dry and here we sit.  Face to face, my demon and me.

 

And I wonder.  What a wonder it is to have permitted access to myself to someone…someone who somehow manages to do, so gracefully, what I have been struggling my whole life to do? As I move into mastery of myself, it is a bittersweet thing to offer myself to someone who demonstrates again and again their ability to master me.

 

That there is some good shit.