I often hear people talk about pivotal moments in their lives with longing regret: wishing they’d known then how critical a moment this fleeting juncture would be. I have had the pleasure / terror of Total In-The-Moment-Surety that something was going to be a life altering event even as it happened.
The unifying theme is choice.
When I decided to say “Yes” to my boyfriend J.P. and move from The City to Los Angeles. When I decided to attend NYU instead of Carnegie-Mellon. When I said “Yes, OK.” and invited a Certain British Musician to sit at my table and change the face of my core sexuality within a scant 17 days…all of these were moments where I made a deliberate choice and knew that the ripples would lap at the shores of my internal ocean for the rest of my life.
One of the more unexpected hairpin turns I navigated in my “Coming Out” into BDSM involved a series of moments that were deceptively simple, perhaps even innocent, in a way. Imagine my surprise when the gossamer web of control and submission made itself known to me in the context of a children’s game. Which is bizarrely fitting. So much of what we do in BDSM is freeing our selves and rewinding, emotionally, to a trusting, open and daring and, dare I say, child-like psychology.
When I first took my steps into the Leather Community here in San Francisco, I was fortunate to be taken under the wings of some wonderful people, many of whom I am proud to call my friends to this day.
After attending and meeting some of the Big Kids at a Munch, I was invited to a kinky Truth or Dare party.
I was a little apprehensive. See, I had still never attended a play party, let alone done a scene, but I thought I could handle this sort of event. It is a game night, right? What could possibly happen?
The event was casual, in a private residence, with snacks and people sitting in a living room chatting and schmoozing. The game was played in the standard way. People are called out around the circle, and are able to choose whether or not they wish to reveal a personal truth, or take a dare.
Not really knowing what to expect, I stuck to â€œTruthsâ€ for the first round. My query was along the lines of â€œWhen did you have your first SM experience?â€ Since I had nothing else to go on, I replied by telling about The Musician, and our stunning affair, and how that altered my perception of what I needed from a relationship.
In theory, at least.
At the end of the round, there was only one person left. He was an imposing looking man, who I didnâ€™t know personally but had seen at a Munch once. He was quite clearly a top. From his cool blueâ€¦orâ€¦greyâ€¦eyes (I couldn’t maintain eye contact for a sufficient duration to ascertain the precise shade) to his black leather vest to the buckle on his engineers boots, he was totally intimidating me.
Which was unnerving. He hardly seemed to blink.
He sat quietly, arms folded, through the entire round. Seemed No one wanted to truth OR dare him.
So who gets stuck with the last query? Of course, it was I.
â€œSo, dâ€™ya want a Truth or a Dare?â€
He smiled, a small and enigmatic curl of the lip and said
â€œIâ€™ll take a dare, please.â€
Oh, I was totally nonplussed. I stared wildly around at the group.
â€œOK, Help me out you guys!! What should I dare him??!â€
They were less than helpful.
I tried to think of something fairly innocuous, since I was quite certain that heâ€™d never do anything outrageous or silly.
Thank the goddess for the voices in my head!
â€œOK, well, why donâ€™t you get someone in this room to kneel in front of you.â€
There. Simple enough.
There was a scoff from across the circle. A striking looking female top was laughing at me. â€œOK, so kneel in front of him andâ€¦? Whatâ€¦?â€
Oy vey ish meirâ€¦it never ends with you people!
â€œUmâ€¦and kiss your boots.â€
He nodded slowly, looking at me rather pointedly.
â€œAll right then. Come over here and kiss my boots.â€
I looked around
â€œME??? You canâ€™t pick me! I gave you the dare!!!â€
There was a consultation with the host. The ruling came down, and indeed I was completely eligible for this dare.
Well, I didnâ€™t want to wuss out. And besides, I didnâ€™t have to do it! The dare was that he GET someone to do it!
I smiled cockily.
â€œOK. So I accept.â€
He stared levelly at me.
â€œKneel here and kiss my boots.”
I giggled â€œNope!â€
Except for him.
The laughter dimmed to smiles from everyone.
Everyone except him.
The laughter died away totally as he sat stone still for a minute………..
………..then two. His stare was making me terribly uncomfortable, so I looked away.
He rose quietly from his chair and crossed to where I was sitting. I couldn’t look up; I could feel him watching me and I was entirely intimidated. Dammit! FUCK. Why was I so squirrelly?!?!
â€œI am going to ask you one more time….Kneel and kiss my boots.â€
I stared at my hands. My throat was dry…
“Noâ€¦thank…you…?â€ I whispered.
He waited; a long momentâ€¦and then he stood back a step.
And before he was even done speaking I was on my feet.
â€œWell….shit…OKâ€¦â€ I thought to myself â€œâ€¦if I am standing, I am further away from the floor, so this should be all rightâ€¦. Whatâ€™s he gonna do, throw me to the ground?â€
Hm. That, at least, would have been much easier to defend against.
He leaned close to me. Fingers curling around to the back of my neck he pulled me close and whispered in my ear. Quietly. As he whispered the words became one long stream of sound that I could not fully understand. There were the words, there was the sensation of his breath in my ear there was his hand on my neck andâ€¦
He pulls my head back, tipping my face so that I am looking into his eyes again. Blinking. I was just waking up, I had been asleep, and my legs couldnâ€™t hold me up anymore.
What was I doing standing? Why wasnâ€™t I on my knees? I almost sank directly to the floor but thought I should waitâ€¦he hadnâ€™t told me to.
He stepped back.
â€œAre you ready?â€
I nodded once, mute.
I sank to my knees, almost relieved.
Again, I started to move to kiss his boots, but something made me pause. I heard his voice from somewhere above me, earthquake aftershock rocking my unsteady foundations.
â€œNow, you may kiss my boots.â€
I leaned forward, pressing my lips against the warm leather, inhaling their smell, and feeling the grain of the hide against my mouth. First the right then the left, then I sat back on my heels. After a moment, I folded my arms behind my back, one on top of the other, stared at the floor, and waited. It just felt like…the thing to do.
The room was dense with silence.
No one even moved.
His hand on my shoulder, guiding me to my feet.
His arms around me, a quick friendly hug. He smiled.
â€œAre you OK?â€ He asked.
I nodded, then promptly sat down on the arm of a chair, awkwardly cracking the hell out of my butt, and almost fell over.
Our host cleared his throat â€œEr, on that noteâ€¦why donâ€™t we take a breakâ€¦â€
I ran outside. I needed a cigarette.
Three women followed me down the stairs and out into the cold. I forgot my jacket. Didnâ€™t need it. I was sweating. My fingers nerveless as I lit the cigarette, still dazed.
â€œOhmigod, that was one of the hottest scenes I have EVER witnessed!!”
I turned, exhaling slowly and watching the smoke curl and disappear
â€œThat wasnâ€™t a scene. He barely even touched me.â€
They all smiled knowingly, the initiated, amused by the hubris of the uninitiated newbie.
â€œOh, yes, that was a scene. And wow, the energy you guys hadâ€¦what did he say to you? Iâ€™m dying of curiosity!!â€
I shook my head. â€œI canâ€™t remember. He just sort ofâ€¦explained to me that I wanted to do that for him, that I was safeâ€¦ I dunno. It wasâ€¦.â€
What it was was yet another beginning.
He offered me a ride home after the party.
And yes, I said “Yes,” and watched the ripples begin to spread.