Feeling wrong feels right.

A few years back, I saw an insanely rough sex moment in an adult flick.

A man was hitting it doggie style, shagging the hell out of a woman while pulling her arms into a painful Awesome sex positionstretch behind her. He then abruptly folded her arms together on the small of her back, swung his leg up to the couch, and planted his foot firmly on her head.

Suffice to say I found this deprecating cruelty terribly arousing. Pervert, remember?

Then a few months ago I came across the same thing again, and squealed in delight.

And then I wondered…as I often do, “What the hell is wrong with me?”

OK, pervs…come on. Is that not…hot??

It could only be better were he fully clothed, wearing boots. There is something hot and humiliating about being nude when your partner is fully dressed.

I simply adore the sensation of being vulnerable and bare in front of someone who is dressed and dominant.  If clothes make the man, boots make the man hot as fuck.

I often struggle on the ego-totter with my deep-seated need to be humiliated in some way. On the one hand, my self-esteem is a fawn-footed creature, susceptible to light and noise and the softest of blows. On the other hand, under the withering harshness of brutal treatment, I find a hidden and oft unacknowledged strength that buoys me up and sends me into a chest-wrenching paroxysm of fierce pride when I have weathered scornful abuse.

Many years ago, I had a dominant to whom I’d newly submitted after knowing him for years. In the midst of a very brutal scene in which my stubbornness was in the fore, he had me down on the ground with a boot to my cheek. Using his heel as leverage, he rolled my head to one side and ordered me to lick the sole of his boot.

“OK. No.”

…was the clear voice from one side of my head.

“You have no choice. Do it.”

… was the voice, ever more strident, from the other.

I felt more humiliated, repulsed and horrified as I ever had before in a scene. I’m not entirely mysophobic…but it is pretty fucking close. So licking the sole of a street boot, no matter how sexy the boot was, squicked me to nausea. But my reflex to be obedient was strong.

And then came the Bad Voice.

“You are so desperate for this man’s attention you’ll do anything…anything…to amuse him. You sick, sick worthless bitch…” it sighed, claws extending deep into consciousness.

I shook, my eyes full of hot tears that ran down into my ears and pooled beneath my head.

He put the boot on my throat, regarding me coldly from above my naked prone body.

“You’d disobey me? What? Do you think you are above licking my boot?

I stared mutely at him, face frozen, staring.

“So. You think you’re worth more than that?”

I nodded. Slowly, then again. I hitched in a shuddering breath and waited for him to berate me further.

Instead, he was suddenly pulling me up and holding me tightly.

“Yes. You are. You are invaluable. And beautiful. And I am so proud of you.”

I was shocked, to say the least, as that wasn’t what I expected.

To this day, I look on that moment as being when I fully understood the value and place that humiliation has for me.

It is a broad-brush full-bore way for me to feel the worst of how I feel about myself, give it away to someone, and have them hold it.

Once someone else holds up for me, mirrors it back, shows me the depth of my own feelings, my self-deprecation, I can see it for what it is.

And then the let it go.

And then, they come back, and love me for who I TRULY am.

And then, sometimes just for a second, but sometimes for much longer…sometimes I DO feel that valuable. That special. That precious.

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  1. Spunquee on July 20, 2009 at 12:28 PM

    Oh Mo! This one brought tears to my eyes. I love. LOVE!

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 8:58 PM

      It was SO strange how this memory cam up…I originally was just gonna riff about the humiliating sex then than BLAMMO, left turn and this memory popped. up.

      Mind you, this was one of two thoughtful insightful moments I had with this character. The breakup was…..abysmal.

      That should be its own freakin’ post.

      Thank you for reading!



  2. ms snarky nice bitch on July 20, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    the older i get the kinkier i get

    LOL *i* had to start having younger lovers. seriously.

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 9:29 PM

      raises hand

      Me too, man. Seriously!

      Thank you for reading!



  3. Vic on July 20, 2009 at 1:27 PM

    Aww! First of all, I would watch the exact same scene in porn vids and get uber turned on, glad I’m not alone in that. It’s definitely hot as fuck.

    And that story is just about the most tender thing I’ve read in a long-ass time. You should always feel that precious.

    Amazing post, thank you Mo.

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 10:24 PM

      Hell no, not alone at ALL! :-D

      I appreciate your reading and sharing back with me!

      Thank you, Vic.



  4. voyeur36 on July 20, 2009 at 1:27 PM

    Thats how it should be. A dom who is in tune with the sub.

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 10:34 PM

      It is transcendent when you can feel this open to someone, and they respond with compassion and love.

      Unfortunately, it also leave you vulnerable to some very harsh treatment when the person you trusted so profoundly betrays that trust, as this person did.
      But in recalling this moment, out of nowhere, as it were, while writing what I thought was going ot be a very different blog post, I was able to forgive him a bit for his hurtful behavior.

      And I was able to forgive ME for allowing myself to feel.

      Peace, and thank you for reading :-)


  5. Panthera Pardus on July 20, 2009 at 4:49 PM

    “Yes. You are. You are invaluable. And beautiful. And I am so proud of you.”

    That line put a lump in my throat. Seriously.

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 11:08 PM

      I think I remembered this today so that I could remember that it IS true, you know?




  6. lilyblue on July 20, 2009 at 9:21 PM

    This was beautiful and tender. It’s what I long for.

    • mollena on July 20, 2009 at 11:10 PM

      Hi lilyblue :-)

      Thank you, very much, for stopping by and reading, and commenting. It makes me feel quite honored, especially when folks who know what wanting this feels like, to have people get what I’m bloody on about!

      Peace, and much gratitude.


  7. lamesabassman on July 22, 2009 at 12:47 AM

    K….. Doc Martins….

    lamesabassman……. or TIMS….

  8. Anne Ominous on July 23, 2009 at 7:26 AM

    1. I want a copy of that scene from the vid because that is fucking hot.

    2. Your Bad Voice sounds a lot like my Demon. I think they might be related. BTW, bottom of boot? Ew ew ew ew. I’m so with you on that.

    3. The scene between you and the Dom, beautiful.

  9. Tobias on August 5, 2009 at 1:47 PM

    I remember a BDSM clip where Nikki Nievez was fucking a small asian girl doggystyle with a huge strap-on.
    Out of nowhere she planted her left feet firmly on one side of the girls face.
    I thought it looked so fucking hot. So primal and animalistic.
    Ever since then it’s always occurring in my fantasies whether I’m “top” or “bottom”.
    It makes the expression of dominance and submission so much more powerful and satisfying.

  10. Delilah on August 12, 2009 at 3:29 PM

    Thank you, so much, for this post. It reminds me of one of my earliest experiences in BDSM, when I encountered my first real limit. My dominant, whom I didn’t yet know that well but who was giving me a marvelous and loving introduction to the scene, ordered me to strip for him. I stood there, frozen for a moment, and started to sway a little, thinking to follow his orders but feeling a mortal terror rising in me.

    As a teen, I was abused by a much older theatre director, who was working on a one-person show with me. He took advantage of my naivete and desire to be a great actor by having me do “acting exercises” that involved undressing. Ironically, these are exercises I still find valuable as an actor, but he put me in a closed room to do them, ordered me to do embarrassing things through the door, then came in to look at me while I was standing in my underwear, under the guise of trying to strip me of any shame. It was my first experience with sexual humiliation, and contrary to popular belief, not the best thing for instilling kinky desires in that direction later in life.

    When my dominant later asked me to strip for him, all of that wrongness came up, and I lost my bearings, not knowing how to do anything but shake. Like all great dominants, he knew what to do: gathered me up and held me while I cried, stopping the scene in the least jarring way possible and making me feel my worth.

    I’m just now getting back to a place where degradation/humiliation play is possible for me, and I’m discovering the hotness of it at the ripe old age of 35. :) Thanks again for this peek into the power of playing that edge, and the sensitivity required for those who would walk it.

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