Jul 032015
Seriously. This is a town in Austria.

Aaah, beautiful Fucking, Austria.

One of the things I am pondering mightily is the reality of submission as it is lived vs. the hot & horny fantasy of d/s. A time ago, I went to the Center for Sex & Culture​ to see Laura Antoniou​ talk about stuff. Not many people beside myself were there, because jaded-ass San Francisco is like that. It was great for me, though, because I got to have pretty much a one-on-one conversation with someone I respect. One of the things she said about submission being put to the test when it is difficult to obey really struck a nerve. I had been struggling for a bit with my own submission, what with being newly released after requesting the dissolution of a 2-year relationship, and feeling like perhaps I wasn’t actually cut out for this slavery thing.

She spoke of submission not really being much of an achievement when one is only doing the stuff they wanted to do and would have done anyway even without the imperative of consensual subjugation. Is it truly an act of submission if you take thirty lashes from a whip when you are an inveterate masochist who enjoys every blow? Or is the submission more profound when pain is not erotic for you , and yet you endure it for the love or joy or pleasure or whim of your dominant? Continue reading »

Jul 202013

toastThe reality of being single is gonna be different for everyone but for me, it sucks. Hard. I keep a pretty hectic schedule in part because it gives me somewhere to pour the energy I would much rather have under the hand of an owner. Until such time as that happens, we will just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming…what do we do? We swim, swim…

Some of the techniques of my youth resurface, barging their way out of long-buried bunkers and shallow graves to stagger, blearily, to the fore. Yesterday morning, sometime after 4 AM (midday for this night-owl) I poached the keys to the car belonging to The Evil Jewish Lesbian Landladies and went out to run errands and get a bite to eat.

New York  Motherfucking City. You are a lover like no other and can satisfy most any need at most any time and for that, I praise you, like I do. Some things never change…the radio pipes up WCBS eff-emm…Noooooo Yooooooork…croons the radio as I glide across Flushing, a song I’ve not heard in decades smirkily aligns with my thoughts. Songchronicity.

Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They’re around

Continue reading »

Sep 212012

A timid hand touches me where few ever touch…

Hello…hello? Do you have a moment?

I turn away, my heart excruciating squeeze of pain so long-present it has to find new ways to make its presence felt at every turn.

I am sorry to bother you. I know we are busy but I am having a very hard time right now.

I swallow hard, baffled tears clamoring to life, breath close and precious in my lungs.

I need to walk tonight. Continue reading »

Sep 062012

Sometimes I stop and take stock and crack myself up.

I’m living my life from the inside so I don’t often think about the reality of how amazing it is, really. So this morning when I said to my roomate / Evil Landlady (who happens to be internationally known author and speaker Laura Antoniou) and said “You know, I’m sitting here all tired about the shit I gotta do because my day looks like-a-this:

 Get up go into Manhattan to meet my famous photographer friend Aeric Meredith Goujon, who is editing the film I’m producing as commissioned by Madison Young for an exhibit for the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, where I’m performing in the same program with Midori. Oh yeah, and the film is me being spanked by Lolita Wolf, Sinclair Sexsmith, Nayland Blake, Lee Harrington and the aforementioned evil landlady.”

Yeah, typical Thursday morning.


photo from “IMPACT.” by Aeric Meredith-Goujon


The funny part? It is the way lots of my life goes. And I forget that I’m a daily miracle. Continue reading »

Mar 162012


I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”


I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I  needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.


And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.


I did everything I could, and more.

Continue reading »

Feb 062012

Sometimes, The Lord has to Kick Ass.

Sometimes it is very easy for me to share my story. I run to the keyboard and pour out an idea that has sprung to mind, or eagerly type out the results of some brainhamster action. And other times, I agonize over every word, humming “Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood…” tersely under my breath over and over, hoping that I will hit it just right, and that people reading will grok my ideas, not tear me apart, have mercy on my soul, and see themselves in my story.


Other times, I am compelled to NOT share, because of internal ethical considerations or external influences.


And other times I desperately want to share and…can’t. A combination of things. Timing, uncertainty, confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear…and in those times, I just have to wait.


I hate waiting. But I have learned a great deal about patience in the past decade or so. And even more in the past year or so.


So let me rewind a little.


Continue reading »

Dec 282011

When I first became involved in the kink community, I ran into plenty of people who held themselves to a very high standard. Of course, being an overachiever, I did as well. And then I started running into people who branded themselves as “naturals.”


These rarefied few were willing to share about how dominance or submission came “naturally” to them, that it was never a struggle, that every moment was a blissful reverie of sacrosanct, sexy, sensual sublime subbly swooniness.


And I felt pretty shite, because my first relationship didn’t have much of that!


It was a struggle. Not all of it, but enough of the time? I felt I must be barking up the wrong tree because it felt anything but “natural” to do what I wanted to do to get where I THOUGHT I wanted to be.


And then, 13+ years later? I’m trying again. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the interim. And I am a different person.


And I am working to embrace the struggle. Continue reading »

Dec 182011


I have no fucking idea what the hell I’m doing…it seems all I can do to remember to breathe.


Wonderful. You’ve finally understood what has always been true. The breath you are taking right now is all you really ever have.


I’ve been working hard on meditating, and have been less than successful. Several deceptively simple assistive measures revealed themselves to me last month, and I’ve been tentatively experimenting with ’em. Also being revealed to me of late is a rather shocking amount of information about my internal process that makes me wonder if I am either crazy or so not crazy as to have had a massive breakthrough. I guess we’ll have to see how that works out.


Someone sent me an article MONTHS ago and at that time I thought “That’s a fascinating, powerful meditation.” And today someone sent me the same article I read it and thought “That’s me.”


When 2 different people send you the same bloody piece twice, I think that is [INSERT YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM’S PARADIGM FOR “COINCIDENCE” HERE]and something to which I need to pay attention. Like, for REAL real. Not for play play.


Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea.

~ Julie (JC) Peters



From the article:


 In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?


Continue reading »

Dec 142011

 So LilyLoyd posted a response (On FetLife) to my recent post about training. (The same post is here on this blog) As I mentioned in that post, I have had many hours of brainhamster energy spent running around about training in the BDSM and Leather context. What it means, how it is done, what the purpose is, why the fuck people stop thinking past the obvious and surface meaning of the word to see that there can be very fucking profound spiritual, emotional and psychological repercussions…yargh…bark… growl


Or maybe that’s just me.


Like most of the people I know who I’d consider ethical and who are thoughtful beings, LilyLoyd questions what business she has taking up the responsibility of training someone.


“On the other side of the equation, I’m very reticent about training Holly. Training her to do a random, and ultimately trivial collection of things seems like an insult to our bond. But training that is worth the name would actually change her. And who am I to do that to her?”


My answer was not one I had to ponder.

Continue reading »

Dec 042011


I am just rambling a bit…I have a great deal on my heart and on my mind but the process is still in process and lots of it really is a bit more personal than can be dissected in the public forum of blogs and such. But I have to write something, and I’m a compulsive sharer, and this way I can further procrastinate on real work while pretending to be productive. :-)


Sometimes, relationships are rough. Sometimes we make choices that have blowback that is more substantial than we expect, and then ya just gotta step back and pick the shrapnel from your face. Blah blah blah, I’ll have a McYadda with cheese, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.


Let us just say I’m looking at and chewing on some challenging emotional shit these days.


Today was a day with a bunch of emotional push-and-pull, heavy lifting, you know, the fun stuff. Its kind of funny when part of the Thing That Needs To Be Hashed Out involves the very core of relationshit, and that’s communication. I’m a big fan of the stuff. And it really is all you’ve got in terms of glue when you are doing long-distance relationships. So when that communication stream becomes an issue? You’ve gotta talk about it. And you’ve gotta make time for that. But what if the dwindling, finite resource of time in which we can make communication happens is at the root of the turbulence…? Yeah. Catch-22 caliber funtimes.

Continue reading »