Fundies in the dungeon.

Slave Collar

A "Real" slave collar.

I have observed, over the years, a passive-aggressive tendency among perverts to denigrate one another’s choices within the Leather Lifestyle.

For me the MOST insidious behaviour is the posturing of some people who self-identify as slaves. They are the ones most often referring to themselves with the dubious title “True” slaves, and farting in the general direction of anyone who disagrees with their Fundamentalist Leatherview.

They love to make blanket judgments as to what a slave is, how a slave behaves, what a slave wears, how a slave walks, how a slave slaves.

Too often have I seen a person on a forum or mailing list hold forth about how “Only slaves can be truly collared.” Or nattering on about how “Submissives just don’t have the slave heart.” and of course Ye Hoary Olde “I started as a submissive but grew into slavery.”

As though being owned property is like getting to put on the Big Kid Underpants.

Dominants are guilty as well of laying on the funky-ass head-trips.“If you were a real slave, you would obey me!” straight to the head, regardless of whether or not you’ve even MET the person.

A recent discussion on FetLife,  raised my hackles. And not in a good way, you know I loves me some hackle raising shit, but this was decidedly NOT erotic.

On a forum (a forum FOR SUBMISSIVES, mind!) a person smarming over their collared slave status was disparaging those who wear collars simply because they like them as, obviously , not taking collars as seriously as those who would only wear them because they were owned.

They liken them to a wedding ring. And say that, like a wedding ring, they would never wear one if they weren’t married. Because it goes against tradition.

Uh…whose tradition, exactly? Wedding rings are a largely European custom. And fairly recent. And, until VERY recently, (historically speaking) men didn’t wear ‘em.

As far as touting collars as a “traditional symbol of ownership”, I call shenanigans again. Dogs do not wear collars because you are demonstrating your dominance. They wear them so that they can be actively controlled.

In SOME Leather traditions, a collar is a mark of inexperience or recalcitrance. The collared slave is a slave who needs the reminder that they ARE property.

A trusted slave, like a trusted horse, needs no physical reminder. Obedience is a given. The master knows they are in control.

TYPICALLY, in the United States, slaves were collared for shipment or punishment. Collars were not a day-to-day standard. There might be a “Dress collar” for fancy occasions, to display the wealth of the owner. “BLING! Look I am so fucking wealthy my horse has a gold-chased bridle, my dog has a diamond studded harness, and Mammy here has a dope-ass silver collar. Booya, motherfuckers! THAT is how I roll.”

So to blather about how Old School you are because you “hold collars to a higher regard” is simply a pile of smoking offal. Collars, like any symbol, only possess the magic with which we imbue them.

Didn’t we come to form a “Leather Community” because we had to do this thing, this love, this sex, this play, this lifestyle, OUR WAY? Since when do you get to smear your smug absolutism all over my fucking love life? All over my spiritual practice? How the HELL do you have the temerity to cast aspersions on my level of respect for a symbol because i do not regard it in precisely the same way that you do?

Well, I suppose they have the gall because they know that THEIR way is the “One True Way.”

Fundie Perverts.

Un-Fuck ‘em.

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  1. kahlana on September 16, 2009 at 2:16 AM

    Hey lady! love the rant today.
    Ya know…. i was thinking about why it matters to me whether or not i’m collared or not by my Master. So at first I knew I was HIS even though I didn’t have a “proper” collar. Then I saw one I just fell in love with and had to have so I bought it. He didn’t. But it’s still his collar on my neck. I think that’s because it’s my attitude about the collar. It’s an outward symbol of my will’s submission to him. Did I reeeeally need to be collared by a physical piece of jewelry to know this? Nope. But the collar is sexy as fuck and he gets all uber-domly on me when I wear it so ya know I’m gonna slap it on occasionally just to turn the man on. ~lascivious grin~ Does that mean I am any less aware of the deeper implications of a collar? Of course not! Does it mean I am any less a submissive because I don’t wear it 24/7 to show my submissiveness? Nope! And I will tell you what irks me more than the whole “only true slaves can wear a collar” mentality. It is the underlying idea that anyone who doesn’t serve a Dominant in the exact same way as the person touting this fanatical BS isn’t really and truly submissive at all. Hey guess what? My Dom thinks I’m the best submissive he’s ever had. I am seriously getting sick of hearing that “true slave” and “true submissive” line of bullshit! I am a true submissive to my Master and HE (underlined a zillion times and exclamation pointed to death) is the ONLY person who’s opinion of my level of “True Submissiveness” matters to me. Lomg as he’s happy I’m happy and seriously he could care less if I wear a collar or not.

    • mollena on September 16, 2009 at 6:48 PM


      That brought a smile to my face, madame.

      Thank you for this delightful perspective!



  2. Nadia West on September 16, 2009 at 5:43 AM

    Booyah! Lovely rant. I try my damndest to never be a bdsm fundie. My way is not the only way, it just works for me. I’m sure there are plenty who would bitch that I’m not a real submissive (I don’t identify as slave) because I don’t wear a collar 24/7. In my relationship, the collar goes on when it’s play time, and my Dom wants me to be quieter (I get pretty non-verbal, just how I personally get with the collar on) and more seriously submissive. This symbology of the collar works for us – I’m a big fan of Your Mileage May Vary. I would never deign to tell someone that because my definition of the collar (and the definition of sub vs. slave) is different than theirs that theirs is “wrong.” I find it interesting to get to know people and get to know how their dynamic works.
    .-= Nadia West´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Sedate Weekend =-.

    • mollena on September 16, 2009 at 6:49 PM

      I hate to go the “Your dogmatic position makes me wonder what your barking is covering up.” but that is where I go with superloud people of that ilk.

      Thank you for reading and for sharing!!



  3. Wendy Blackheart on September 16, 2009 at 7:06 AM

    I love you.

    • mollena on September 16, 2009 at 6:50 PM

      And I you…thank you sweetiepie




  4. Froghole on September 16, 2009 at 7:53 AM

    That’s why I wear my collar. Cause only wrestling clowns can truly wear collars in the “one true way”. All you other bitches who wear collars can suck my rubber chicken. OK not all of you, but assuredly all the ones who know how to laugh manically. And the ones who have cupcakes.
    Yes, if you have a cupcake for me, you can suck my rubber chicken too. Especially a mocha cupcake.

    • mollena on September 16, 2009 at 6:51 PM

      oes your collar make squeaky honks when inappropriately tugged???


  5. qatana on September 16, 2009 at 8:02 AM

    Damn, girl, I love your mind.I wear MY collar because it is pink and has sparkly pink rhinestones and I gave it to myself as a symbol of my devotion to ME!

    • mollena on September 16, 2009 at 6:52 PM

      That is what my cuff-necklace and my other wee tiny padlock chain are for: a reminder of me to my responsibility to take care of myself as though I were doing so for an owner…because I owe my Higher Power at LEAST that level of attentiveness.

      AN excellent reminder!



  6. Dev on September 16, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    That “True blah-blah” thing bugs the crap outta me too. All of this stuff is sex stuff that people find hot or fulfilling or romantic or deep or spiritual or whatever. Just because the idea of becoming an Ultimate Total Crazy 100% Slave makes you wet or hard doesn’t mean it’s better.

    Also, not every ring is a wedding ring.
    .-= Dev´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Protected: tasks =-.

    • mollena on September 17, 2009 at 9:15 AM

      Hey Dev!

      The American “More Is Better” mentality sure bleeds into everything, doesn’t it? Tiresome (very tiresome)but true.



  7. thepinkpoppet on September 16, 2009 at 2:33 PM

    Continue to raise hell and rant sweetie. What you say is true. Collared or not, wedding ring or not, sub or slave or bottom or whatever….the trappings of your lifestyle (if that is what you want to call them) are only filled with the power and meanings that each of us give them. I have a collar. Do I wear it 24/7? No. Does it define me? No. Am I better than someone that does not have a collar? No. Am I of less service or use than someone that wears theirs all the time? No. I also have a wedding band that I wear. I have been married to the same man for 28 years now and known him for 41 years! If I take my wedding band off, does it mean I am less married? No. If I do not use the MRS part in front of my name, does it mean I am not committed to him? No. My service, my submission, my slavery, my bottoming, my “whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit”, is WITHIN me…in my head and heart and soul. It is NOT within my collar, chain, bondage or anything else. They are props and tokens. They are fun to have and play with. They often give us a reminder of our relationships. They are an outward show to others sometimes. I try to support people in their choices and find it distasteful and sad that subs feel the need to tear each other apart with a “my submission is better than your submission”. Sorry Molena for my little rant.
    .-= thepinkpoppet´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Violate My Mouth =-.

    • mollena on September 17, 2009 at 9:18 AM

      There is no apology needed…especially coming from someone who walks the walk as you do. That is an amazing tribute to your relationship and what love and commitment can be when you are present and give yourself to your partner :-)

      Thank you, so much for sharing!! :-)



  8. Amber on September 16, 2009 at 5:43 PM

    Hear HEAR Miss Mo! My take on it is that people take what are meant to be symbols of the deeper meaning – mere iconography – and turning them into idols to be worshipped. The collar doesn’t make the slave any more than the star makes the sheriff. It’s all just symbolism.
    .-= Amber´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Review: Red Mini Rubber Whip =-.

    • mollena on September 17, 2009 at 9:23 AM

      It is funny: my first dominant had made an issue of NOT collaring his partners quickly because he felt that the collar became the thing that people sought: as though once they were collared, they’d reached some “goal” and things took a turn for the stagnant thereafter. So he was of a mind to place an “indefinite training period” on his submissives until….well, until something happened. After 2+ years, the relationship had run its course and things hit a well, even without the benefit of a collaring ;-)

      I missed out on the chance to see if that were true, and since then I haven’t had a relationship that was ever that close to a collared commitment. A temporary contract was as close as I came.

      When I look at it, the collar was, as you mention, a symbol of commitment. With or without it, the love and heart-connection was what I wanted. Not a bit of leather or steel.



  9. lamesabassman on September 17, 2009 at 10:08 AM

    but…. do the collar and cuffs….

    lamesabassman….. match….

  10. Kissiah Aiken on September 17, 2009 at 10:10 AM

    You wrote “In SOME Leather traditions, a collar is a mark of inexperience or recalcitrance. The collared slave is a slave who needs the reminder that they ARE property.

    A trusted slave, like a trusted horse, needs no physical reminder. Obedience is a given. The master knows they are in control.”

    I dig this, but have never heard of it before. Could you please elaborate on where and when this tradition happened?


  11. Mama Gaea on September 27, 2009 at 6:37 AM

    I view bdsm the same as I do paganism. Find what works for you and throw away the rest. In my research on the significance of collaring, I found a three-tier system that I agree with and plan to use should the opportunity arise. 1st tier would be a non-locking “collar of consideration” that to me means we would be going steady. The only way the collar would become tier 2 (a locking collar/bracelet/something of leather or some non-metal material) would be if we were to become engaged. Tier 3, which for me would be a formal collar made of some kind of precious metal (or whatever we choose the symbol to be, collar or some kind of jewelry), would be locking and it would be when we got married.

    This is the system I like and it doesn’t matter to me if others don’t, this is what works for me. Anyone who tries to tell someone one way is the only way needs to get their heads out of their asses.

  12. Kat on September 27, 2009 at 9:28 PM

    Yup yup. I see that kind of thing thrown around. It is proof that any lifestyle, fandom, interest group, or other setting with a bunch of people that have a common ground, is subject to the “better than thou” type thought. Maybe it feels good to be holding standards and trying to “improve things” by saying what should or should not be.

    Those people are who I tend to silently roll my eyes out, just like they not so subtly might of done so to those “lower than them”.