I don’t mind tropes. Sometimes, phrases that are often used are that way because they withstand the test of time. I donâ€™t’ even have to finish the following sentences and you know the balance…
“You can’t judge a book by…”
“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t…”
“Good things come to those who…”
“I got ants in my pants and I need to…”
And in the BDSM community, we have similar truisms that people hear, jump on, and repeat because they seem to make sense.
Or do they?
I’m a questioner. I was the kid with 45 iterations of “Why?” whenever presented with facts. Then I would process and come back and ask the same questions with “OK, so what if…â€ until I hit the point where the person I was haranguing lacked the vital information, and I trotted off to the library to continue.
Moment of respectful silence for my Mom and Dad.
This didn’t stop when I hit the BDSM community.
When I first heard things like
â€œA submissive is not a doormat!â€
â€œAlways use a safewordâ€
â€œAlways have a safecallâ€
â€œSubmission is a giftâ€
I thought â€œOK, those seems reasonable.â€
I have since learned that a submissive certainly can be a doormat…if they choose to be. Safewords are only good if you are able to use them. A safecall is a Nice Idea, but not reliable for your safety.Â And submission isn’t a gift.
Here is why.
/gÉªft/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gift]Â
|1.||something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.|
|2.||the act of giving.|
|3.||something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned: Those extra points he got in the game were a total gift.|
|4.||a special ability or capacity; natural endowment; talent: the gift of saying the right thing at the right time.|
That has little to do with my submission.
I absolutely expect something in return when I submit to someone. I expect to be cared for. Protected. Respected. My â€œpaymentâ€ is the exchange of power. I submit to you, I expect the satisfaction of that energy exchange. I expect you to do everything in your power to remain within the boundaries of what we have negotiated. I expect you to be there for me.
Like I saidâ€¦I donâ€™t mind tropes and truisms.
But rather than making them a pre-fab home into which you move, make them bricks that up can use to build your own damned foundation for your own damned life.
My submission, for me, is many things. But given with no expectation or need for reciprocity?