“Play” vs. Play.

I have a demo coming up this weekend for the Madtown Kinkfest. I really love the folks there, and I’m looking forward to it. I have a somewhat unique situation in that, because of popular demand, (believe me, it sounds even weirder to me than it does to you) I’m tracked on my own session so that there aren’t any other courses running concurrent with mine.

So, no pressure

But something’s been bugging me a bit.

The class is on race play, and Graydancer‘s demo topping me for it. We did a RP demo in Chicago last year. That went quite well. So, there is a sliverbit of history there. We’ve played a few times, so I am reasonably assured that he knows a little about topping. He’s on his home turf, and has his own rep to consider, so I’m counting on that to keep ‘im behavin’. ;-)

I do NOT do this demo often. In 2009, I did a race play class with demo…what…twice? And considering how much I travel, that is minuscule. I am actually PLEASED about that, because I really have The Fear of “One Trick Ponyismo” and I don’t wanna be the Pine Sol  Lady of Race Play for the rest of my kink career.

The problem is this: those demos are not for ME.  There is a severely limited scope to my play when I present and demo. If you teach or present you know what I’m talking about. You cannot hit deep space and expect to talk coherently afterward, really. Dicey. And being the bottom / sub and instructor, I kind of HAVE to pull out of any nosedive and talk to the peeps after the demo.

I’m glad to do it. It is absolutely a rare and amazing honour. I have personally received nothing but positive feedback from folks on this stuff, once they have attended one of my presentations.  Well, except for those who were thinking that I was gonna be treated so much worse! They are always a bit disappointed it isn’t as fucked up as they think it is going to be. Which is good. Which is the point.

Well. People want blood. C’est la vie. On a public level, this is AWESOME for the bystander. They get, at least, a taste of what these scenes can be like.

For me, it is really tough.

The problem is, until I have a partner with whom I have sufficient rapport / relationship to let them push me that deeply, that ain’t gonna happen. I CAN go REALLY deep, then be put on pause, function, and save the bottoming out for later. But that has to be someone I’m submitting to. I can’t do that when bottoming.

I love hard scenes. I don’t get them nowadays, because no one is invested enough in me, and vice versa, to be there for the aftermath in the way that I need. SO, these feel like my kink life is a non-stop series of amuse bouche with no fucking main course.

And, in case you are wondering: Yep, I DO have friends to be with me for post-scene happies. I have Aftercare Buddies. Yadda.

And I’m sure it will be fine.



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  1. Shannon on February 10, 2010 at 1:23 AM

    If you make it back to Seatown and teach this class I really -really- wanna go. And volunteer for stuff. I’m so tired did that make any damn sense?

  2. Sol on February 10, 2010 at 3:33 AM


    While totally getting the situation this class puts you in and not wanting to be stereotypes this class is really wonderful. It is a breaking barriers class and really needs to be out there for people to see. Like you I use controversial topics and push people a little in some of my classes and expressions. People write the nicest comments. The realization and triumph over taboos can be very liberating and also revealing about self. Ain’t this part of the reason we explore?

    Really looking forward to seeing you and creating some mischief at Madtown