I’m always a little “!!!?!?!?!?” when people mention, quote or talk about me in their writings.Â But it makes all the gut-wrenching puling moaning and late night Waaaaaaaaaambulance calls worth it, if someone else can share in it with me.
My entree to sex was awesome: I was 15, he was 18, we fucked all the time, eventually became a triad for a while, had kinky sex games….win.Â My entree into BDSM was awesome. I had a love-at-first-sight star-studded multi-city romance with a sexy musician who changed my perception and I eventually came out kinky in to the bosom of the crÃ¨me de la crÃ¨me of the BDSM community.
Not all stories are like mine.
My first “bdsm” partner (whom I refer to as “fuckhead”) was abusive. He was abusive in a sneaky way, slowly moving me towards things that I just didn’t know how to get out of. And frankly, some of them I didn’t WANT to get out of. I didn’t know about safe, sane, or consensual. I hadn’t any friends to ask, there were no books, and I didn’t even dream that there were others that did it differently…or safely. It never occurred to me that there were “rules” to this.
My buddy Saynine hit the ground running, as far as I’m concerned. I’m happy that I was, somehow, able to convince him that putting his shit out there would be not only awesome but would really help folks. Not many dominant men in the BDSM community write personal blogs, so I enjoy the perspective. I had a recent conversation with him that is obliquely referenced in his most recent post “This Isnâ€™t Play. . . BDSM and Rape”
Originally when this post started to form in my head almost two weeks ago I had no intention to mention rape play. In fact I had fully intended to avoid the subject entirely. This was to be a conversation about negotiation and consent, and players who exceeded limits of their partners. That changed however when I was having a conversation with a kink interested vanilla friend this weekend. After a little lubrication from alcohol he mentioned that he wished he could find someone to trust enough to share his sexual fantasies. After some questioning he gave some detail about what he was interested in and I responded that what he was talking about was rape play. His shocked look obviously required that I explain in detail the concepts of negotiation and â€œconsensual non-consentâ€.
Of course I explained with some arrogance how BDSM practitioners negotiated hard limits and used things such as safe words and safe calls so that fantasies like rape could be played out safely between consenting partners. But in the back of my mind was the shadow of the stories that had been related to me recently about limits overrun in play and the frequency of which it occurs.
Do check out the rest of this post. Lots of great comments there as well!
As it happens, my natural nosiness is encouraged by sites like Formspring, where you can poke about in the storage drawers of other folk’s lives and see what they’ll hand over to you for your perusal.Â I asked CoyoteToo a question [What intimidates you about dominance?] which he then answered, and then expanded further on it in his most excellent blog. I expected the first two answers, the third one I thought was a rather insightful response and then imagine MY surprise to see lil ol’ me pop in there….!
Thirdly, experienced subs intimidate the hell out of me. (Yes, that definitely includes you Mollena :) I’m not worried about doing things â€œwrongâ€, but being clumsy, stepping over boundaries, being compared to others, and simply not satisfying my partner, are all issues. It’s all the things guys worry about in terms of normal sexual relations, but magnified 100 times. In my limited time in this space, I haven’t played with too many people with much more experience than myself, so this hasn’t been a major issue. What I’ve generally found is that I go too easy on my partner. That I can solve if given a second chance. ;)
Well shit. I’ve had other people suggest this ot me, and i kinda brushed it off, but there it is, in actual pixels.
Hm. Pixels are really actual, are they?
Anyway, the upshot of all that was my asserting my totally non-intimidating self on Twitter and somehow convincing CoyoteToo that I would refrain from bad behaviour long enough for him to accompany me to my appearance at In The Flesh on March 18th.Â I’ll be in NYC, my homey home old timey birthing place and stomping grounds for a couple weeks in March, and in addition to presenting a few kink classes, live-tweeting with my friends kids and visiting various friends, neighbors and pugs, I will be reading from my essay in “Best Sex Writing 2010”
To make it extra win, Ms. Kramer-Bussel herself has promised me Red Velvet Cupcakes.Â Under the watchful eyes of Urban Gypsy and Debauched Domestic Diva, I will be nomming cupcakes with my domly escort and reading from my not-at-all controversial essay on “BDSM & Playing with Race”
Who says blogging doesn’t pay?