Mental “RED.”

In the midst of getting myself off, sometimes my mind wanders. This is part of the reason I use carefully screened pr0n. Once I’ve impassively screened a clip / scene / CD, verified that there isn’t anything that would gross me the fuck out, it goes into a Safe Spank Bank and is approved for perfunctory masturbatory fodder.

This is so that I don’t wind up having to safeword on myself.

Because sometimes? If I don’t manage my mental committee?  I wind up in the midst of an orgasm, ramping up to finish up and having the last ten seconds consist of thoughts that ought never ever see the light of day taking over and unspooling themselves in some sort of ugly non-consensual goreographic open-eyed nightmare.

And no, I’m not going to describe them. I’ve been Manifesting shit way, way too easily of late.

My brain manages to surprise me over and over again.

Occasionally, and with increasing frequency, I find myself having fantasies about scenarios or situations that…actually? I find problematic.

It is kind of strange, because I am open to hearing pretty much anything from anyone. And I am great about respecting my own limits But how does it become that a part of my (id?) comes up with horrifying scenarios, sets up the projector and plays them in full color while the rest of my soul screams and runs in circles, appalled and furious that I’m having these thoughts?

I know that there are people and situations I absolutely do not find safe or acceptable. And on the surface? I’m very respectful of my limits.


The emotional masochist, silently digging with a worn spoon at the walls I set up to keep me safe occasionally finds a weak spot and grimly breaks through. Abandonment, emotional abuse. Real damage and gut-level hard limits seem so seductive in those moments. Then I wonder if I’d give in “…just to see what might happen…you will never know unless you try, right…?”

When I was a kid, I used to hold on tight to the pillars on the subway platform when the train rolled in. My Mom, attributing this to yet another of her child’s strangenesses, finally asked me why I did. I told her “It is so I don’t jump!”

Some days, though? I don’t want hold on. I want to be damaged and broken.

And I want to SURVIVE the collision.

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  1. Orchid on July 15, 2010 at 8:55 PM

    Interesting! See … I have problematic, inappropriate, frightening fantasies a lot. I have learned to accept that as long as I don’t actually act them out in a non-consensual fashion, I’m still a person of good character. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and turn on all the lights to make sure a darker me isn’t lurking in the corner, but still. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for someone with strong limits on the masochistic edge to manage that kind of unanticipated internal shove into the red zone.

    As a friend, I respect your desire to jump, but am cautious and wonder if there might not be ways to experience some of the exhilaration and consequences jump but not so raw, like a bungee cord strapped to your waist or encasing you in mattresses or something. Maybe. But maybe the risk is the point and dulling any of it would make the effort moot.

    As a sadist, though? HOT! I’d say I dare you to jump, but I think that would be irresponsible of me if I’m not one of the folks who knows how to help you pick up all your pieces.

    *big hugs*

    In Specs & Leather,
    ~D. Orchid

    • mollena on July 16, 2010 at 12:05 AM

      Hey dude :-)

      In this go-around of my life, the one thing i know better than to do is to jump feet-first into the grinder without someOne there who is fully invested in the jigsaw re-assembly on the other side. I absolutely don’t do that shit alone, and people with both feet on the floor (or IN the floor) who are also invested enough in ME to be there regardless are scarce these days.

      As much as that abyss is delicious to contemplate, I’ll have to stalk the edge for a while more.

  2. Sina on July 16, 2010 at 5:36 AM

    I have a similar problem. My fantasies are mostly quite violent, it’s even worse because they’re the only ones who get me really hot. I have no desire to act on them, in “real life” i like tender vanilla sex. With these fantasies, it’s like the pink elephant: I don’t want to think about them, but the more I try not to the worse it gets. I think the best for me would be just to accept it, but i have a hard time dealing with it.

  3. SlipperyWhnWhet on July 16, 2010 at 12:18 PM

    Sometimes the jump itself, not the result, is the point.

    “When you find yourself at an abyss with no option to go back, you have two choices. You can remain standing there, or you can learn to fly.”