Wanting.

I want to do it right, whatever it is. I want to be pleasing. I want to be beautiful. I want to be gracious. I want to be patient. I want to be strong. I want to be submissive. I want to be able to anticipate. I want to be ready. I want to be perfect. I want I want I want…

 

And then as I’m running this impossible subroutine, it dawns on me…it is immaterial.

 

What I want isn’t “What I want.” And then I think about what he wants and it is a lot clearer. He wants to SEE…me. His reasons are clear, and he hasn’t asked for perfection or rightness or grace or anything really outside of everything really and that is unencumbered access to me.

 

So let’s start. Again.

 

Let’s see if I can let what I want settle like leaves in a tempest in a tempest in a teapot so that the fortune may be read in the tea leaves of the dregs of my desires. Because if I can see my way clear to really letting myself detach from my desires and let someone else, someone I trust, own them?

 

That’s a start.