The past month or so has been difficult in ways I’ve not seen before, and to a degree I’ve not previously experienced.
I’m used to doing my processing out loud, and it has helped me immensely. I thrive on tossing up my inner workings, letting them come to light, welcoming others to join the chorus of “Me, too!” and shine light into my dark corners, hoping that, by proxy, others feel less alone.
I’ve had some deep impact hits, life-altering shit that for which I do not yet have words, but weigh heavily on me. Part of what was so difficult is that my old coping mechanism (blackout alcoholism) no longer is viable, and my newer coping mechanism (sharing in the public forum) isn’t really viable in real-time, as is my wont.
I have had the challenge of now having to overcome my fear and having to reach out to my friends and say
“I don’t know what to do. I’m hurting. I need help.”
And quietly, beautifully, I’ve received it. From people I know well, from people I’ve only recently had in my life, from friends of decades of acquaintance. From kinky folks, from family, from Family, from people who don’t even realize that they are helping me get through this, one day at a time.
Shit, let me keep it real. One breath at a time some days.
Some kinds of pain hit you hard and fade quickly…like a hit from a cattle prod. Some pain hits you and seems to fade only to freakishly worsen, and then mark, and then leave deep bruises as time passes, like a cane strike. And other wounds are dormant, there and unknown, until abruptly brought to the surface to terrify with their manifestation. And I’m working my way through all of that shit.
And believe me, the internal menagerie is a hot mess right now. I got brainhamsters running themselves to death. Some of’em, abruptly unemployed, have taken to running in frantic circles only to be eaten by Bubbles, my personal demon, who is in her element in the current emotional climate.
I am compelled, and I choose, to leave a lot unsaid for now. That in and of itself is a learning experience, as it isn’t my way. But I’ve been learning so much about doing things differently in the past 4+ years, why stop now?
I have to give my heartfelt thanks to the people who have felt me out, given me encouragement, taken care of me, from long distances and right here at home. I’m not so much with my usual grandiloquence right now, but you seeing me and loving me in spite of my…well, maybe because I finally trust people enough to let them love me, regardless…ah fuck it. I don’t know what else to say right now.
Thank you, friends. I’ll be back. For all my woo-peeps? Healing energy and all of that shit is actually welcome.
Atheists? Y’all fuckers ain’t off the hook. Send me some fucking cupcakes.