Jun 252013

Yep, got him to say “Negress” and errythang.

I have been reading Dan Savage’s ponderings on sex and relationships since back in High School when we used to run to get the Village Voice, flip to the back, scan his column and gleefully read aloud each letter that opened with“Hey Faggot…” the reclamation of that term was radical for a whole lot of us who found ourselves on the poky end of society’s sticks.

Fancy my delight when I was able to send him the book than Lee and I wrote, since I knew that he, in the past, had lamented the lack of a “How To” guide for perverts.

Fast forward to…well, a couple of weeks ago when I squeeked aloud upon receiving an e-mail from his producer indicating he wanted me to be on his podcast!

You can buy it here http://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/348#.UcnJHPn…

Yep, it costs $.99 but hopefully you can get it!

And if you want to listen to me for FREE, please subscribe to my brand spanking new podcast, Conversations With The Perverted Negress

On iTunes (there’s also a link to the right!) or on AudioBoo!

And if you have a question you’d like to have tackled by my and my SuperUber Twue Dominate Podcasty Ed MacMahon, aka J.P. aaka ControlEnthusiast (but don’t call him that, ’cause its just weird, yo.) please drop me a note…just click on the little envelopish button over there on the right…with the subject like PODCAST QUESTION!


Now….to force myself to listen to me talk…

Jun 242013

I was recently asked by a publication for some quick tips and advice for couples interested in exploring BDSM to kink up bedroom play. I doubt the journalist will use the entirety of what I wrote…space constraints and all…but these three points are, I feel important for those just dipping their toes into the wild & wonderful world of BDSM. Here’s my quick-n-dirty recommendations for new explorers!

Ready To Write!

For couples thinking about exploring BDSM (that’s Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism) the first thing you want to do is talk about consent. Everyone involved in the interaction has to be in it to win it, and enthusiastically consenting to and in agreement with anything you are going to do. Consent is at the core of BDSM, and making sure you both are ready, willing and able to participate in your chosen kinks is vital to a hot and healthy interaction.

Take it slow.

Sharing your kinky fantasies can feel risky. SO much so, lots of folks don’t even bother to try for fear of seeming “weird” or risking rejection. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Sharing a sexy, kinky book, movie or story that’s captured your fancy with your partner is more likely to draw them out of their shell than running in the house with a leather mask, handcuffs and whips and announcing “ITS BONDAGE NIGHT, BABY!” Trying a role-play where one person assumes power over the other (Let’s say the captured Prince is at the mercy of the vengeful queen, or the confident CEO suddenly finds herself swooning and at the mercy of her handsome Administrative Assistant!) allows you to step back a bit into a playful head-space that gives you room to inhabit a character that fulfills your desires and explore your fantasies. Many people find role-playing frees them from shame (“Hey, it wasn’t ME wriggling and pleading for mercy…it was the naughty cop!”) and relaxes you enough to explore further if you so desire. Continue reading »

 Advice, Education  Comments Off on Three Tips for the New Kink Explorer!
Dec 082011

photo by stacie joy

This week’s SexIs Magazine column is one where I offer some advice to one of the less-likely-to-be-advised demographic in the kink junglelands: Teh Twue Dominates.

Well, and the regular dominants, masters, owners and tops, too.

Seven (random) Suggestions for Dominant Types


Hubris, you say, for me, a mere trembling flower of submission to dare to advise the domly doms?


Yes, mine is a Quixotic quest.


But I gotta tilt at windmills. Especially Fancypants Florentine-flogging dominate windmills :-P


Yeah yeah, I know each and every one of you D-Types are special snowflake lone Alpha-wolves, running along the dark paths of kink , howling at the moon, sniffling the tender flesh of nubile submissives, and doin’ your own thang. Respect. Mad props to ya. But keep in mind? With power comes responsibility. You can call the shots all you want. But without humility, discipline and flexibility, it’s not likely you’ll be the boss of anyone for very long. 


Over my years involved in kink circles, I’ve noticed that some dominant-types take pride in not taking advice from anyone, insisting that they make the rules and it is the responsibility of the submissive to adjust themselves and adhere to their world-view. And ultimately, yes: the master masters, and the slave slaves. But without negotiation, compromise and compassion? The stage is set for breakdowns, conflict and the corrosion of resentment. 


…read it all, baby!


Mar 072011

Some anonymous person asked me the following on Formspring…and I felt more like talking to them rather than writing about it.

Admitting my submissive side is one of the hardest things that’s happened to me. I don’t know what to think or do with myself anymore. I wonder if it’s a result of past sexual abuse I thought I had sorted out. think I’m depressed . Do you have any advice?


I hope it helps…hang in there.

You are Beautiful as you are.

Mar 022011

I have now, in the past 3 days, seen 4-5 threads about newcomers complaining about the lack of kink, sex, and fuckery at Munches. If you read the history, you’ll see what happens when Munches deviate from this rule. And some folks in the PNW re-learned this lesson the hard way recently.

Dating and “getting to know folks” is IMPORTANT. Pervs oft forget this in the flush of excitement in having found community. Munches are a fabulous way to socialize in a safer setting. Picking up a trick is not the stated purpose, Sure, yes, it is an occasional benefit! But to keep the arty moving, ant to make it beneficial to the broadest number of people, it has to be chill.

And hey, I’d love to hear from Munch organizers about their experiences managing Munches, keeping them safe, and how they foster community.

So for those bitching…perhaps you failed to look up what the fuck a Munch actually is?

Lets do that, shall we? I’m-a cut and paste it to spare your clicking finger from even having to click. That’s how nice I am. :-P


Munch (BDSM)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A munch (short for burger munch) is a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM, usually at a restaurant. When available, munches often use a private room. In the UK, the venue is usually a pub, and people are free to arrive and leave within the specified hours. The primary purpose is socializing, though some munches also have announcements from local organizations. Munches often help those who are curious about the lifestyle meet others who may be able to help them become more comfortable and better informed. Munches can also be a place to get advice about or pass on anecdotes about BDSM experiences.

Unlike a play party, most munches are casual affairs that exclude fetish attire or BDSM play, though a rare few include covert Master/slave interactions or other play. Some munches may have a specific focus, such as spirituality or whips. Others may be restricted to a specific group, such as women or submissives.


Continue reading »

Mar 312010

This question on Formspring is interesting to me, but there is no room for discussion there. I’m posting it here, first to see if I can get some bounceback from other folks who struggle with intimacy and emotional availability and secondly because I’m in “Don’t. Get. Attached!” mode with someone with whom  I recently hooked up.  I’m not sure how I feel about the effortlessness of my capacity to compartmentalize and mentally block even the concept of deeper connection with this person…so.

How do you avoid becoming emotionally involved when play and/or aftercare involves sexual elements? by coyotetoo

I am excellent at explaining to myself BEFOREHAND and thoroughly that the person with whom I’m playing is not an appropriate target for such affections. My emotional involvement with people either blindsides me or tends to grow slowly. The blindsides are tougher, but reality checks help to temper that initial blaze of intensity. Sexuality doesn’t immediately evoke emotional connectivity for me. It tends to be the other way around in a BDSM context.

Interestingly, I almost never have BDSM play move to sex. I wouldn’t be able to count above maybe 2 times in the past 10 years where a scene that did not involve my current partner (i.e., a casual play scene) moved on to explicitly sexual sexiness.

The past few times I have approached someone with whom I had played for sex, I was turned down. This shut me off but good against asking for it. I won’t say never but for the time being, I won’t assume / approach / move into a headspace of sex outside of the sexual masochism of a scene.

I would not recommend that as a technique for keeping the emotional connection from moving deeper (assuming that depth is inappropriate.)

I would recommend tracking your emotional response, keeping your sex playful and erotic rather than deep and intense if that depth and intensity is what triggers that connection. Whatever has triggered it in the past, avoid. Keep a hold of the affection, the caring, the friendship aspects of the encounter, let the sex be sexy, but if emotional involvement is off the table, you have to steel yourself to that.

And now I’ll unravel all of that to say this: avoid avoiding emotional intimacy.

What a rare gift it is when you feel that connection. Stifling that is a real disservice to life, the universe, and everything. You may well suffocate a flame that could burn and illuminate a heretofore unknown corner of your heart.

Feb 152010

I am not a wheel re-inventer. SO, when someone else has taken the time and energy to thoughtfully and thoroughly answer a question I’m often asked, I’ll pass the motherfucking buck!

My buddy@SaschaK posted a great blog entry on her home on the range, How my other half lives that I think everyone should read. Even us what been ’round da block a few times could do well to revisit the shit that seems obvious. Everything old is new again with the new faces that come on through.

Thanks to Sascha for letting me re-post this great piece :-)

Entering the Scene (A Lonely Pervert Guide)

So you wanna get into “the scene” (or “the lifestyle” or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days), but don’t know where to start. The transition from one’s computer screen, fantasy life, or bedroom into the greater community can seem really daunting.

There’s a metric fuckton of stuff out there for just about every kink and predilection. Now with the advent of Fetlife and Google, kinky people all over the world can connect and get themselves off more efficiently than ever before. However, finding large cohorts of flesh-and-blood kinky people is a whole other matter entirely.

Although I’m by no means an expert on everything kink-community related, I do know something about the avenues by which people get there. From my personal experience, and what I hear from friends and acquaintances in the scene, there seem to be a few consistent entry points in just about every region of the country. I realize that these outlets are more accessible in some places than others, but they’re out there.

So here is my macro-level take on venues to explore if you’re considering “going public.” Continue reading »

Jan 202010

Q: What tips do you think all submissives need to hear, in your experience?

from formspring.me … courtesy of Nadia West

Take. Your. Time.
BDSM isn’t going anywhere. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and waiting is just fine. Plunging in headfirst is awesome, until it isn’t. Think of it this way: sure, the first dominant who wants to tie you up and beat you might be awesome. But the 9th dominant you meet might be a better match, and if the first one puts you off your path, or is a jerk, and you say “Wow, I wish I’d waited until I had more time to vet people!” you can’t undo that shit.

Trust Your Gut.
Being kinky shouldn’t reset a lifetime of experiences. If something doesn’t feel right, and you hear “OH, but that’s just how it is done!” then fuck how it is done. You are here to get your needs met, not to walk blindly into something just because someone else says it is so.

Make friends.
Make friends with other submissives. Make friends with switches. Make friend with tops and doms. And I mean platonic friends. People who aren’t out to get in your pants. Folks you can trust for feedback, who are connected in the community, who don’t have ulterior motives for telling you things that might not be in your best interest.

Read everything with a grain of salt.
I don’t care who the fuck said it or wrote it. Continue reading »

Dec 302009

From Formspring…

Q: When a relationship ends, what is the best approach for moving on and regaining self, things that you lost while in that relationship?

A: This is so mutable.

(Which is OK. Gemini’s a mutable sign. I’m good)

The circumstances of the relationship have EVERYTHING to do with the breakup.

  • How long was the relationship?
  • How amicable was the breakup?
  • How was the breakup itself handled?
  • How respectfully are you treating one another in the aftermath?
  • Were children or other significant others involved?

Etc etc  etc.

Continue reading »

Dec 292009

Wondering, poly-minded people, from your experience, how you handle this situation!

Poly person #1 asks you to hook up / get down. You’re cool with it, and it just so happens you know  / are friends with / are otherwise cool with their partner, PolyPerson #2.  How do you approach this negotiation? DO you talk to both individually? Sit everyone down? Ask Poly Peron #1 to clear it and then take their word that it is all cool with PolyPerson#2?

And what it there is some gut twitch? Do you back off if PolyPerson#2 seems O but you just have that…feeling?

How do you approach this diplomatically without alienating, stepping on toes OR missing out n a necessary interaction / negotiation?

What is YOUR preference?