This question on Formspring is interesting to me, but there is no room for discussion there. I’m posting it here, first to see if I can get some bounceback from other folks who struggle with intimacy and emotional availability and secondly because I’m in “Don’t. Get. Attached!” mode with someone with whom  I recently hooked up.  I’m not sure how I feel about the effortlessness of my capacity to compartmentalize and mentally block even the concept of deeper connection with this person…so.

How do you avoid becoming emotionally involved when play and/or aftercare involves sexual elements? by coyotetoo

I am excellent at explaining to myself BEFOREHAND and thoroughly that the person with whom I’m playing is not an appropriate target for such affections. My emotional involvement with people either blindsides me or tends to grow slowly. The blindsides are tougher, but reality checks help to temper that initial blaze of intensity. Sexuality doesn’t immediately evoke emotional connectivity for me. It tends to be the other way around in a BDSM context.

Interestingly, I almost never have BDSM play move to sex. I wouldn’t be able to count above maybe 2 times in the past 10 years where a scene that did not involve my current partner (i.e., a casual play scene) moved on to explicitly sexual sexiness.

The past few times I have approached someone with whom I had played for sex, I was turned down. This shut me off but good against asking for it. I won’t say never but for the time being, I won’t assume / approach / move into a headspace of sex outside of the sexual masochism of a scene.

I would not recommend that as a technique for keeping the emotional connection from moving deeper (assuming that depth is inappropriate.)

I would recommend tracking your emotional response, keeping your sex playful and erotic rather than deep and intense if that depth and intensity is what triggers that connection. Whatever has triggered it in the past, avoid. Keep a hold of the affection, the caring, the friendship aspects of the encounter, let the sex be sexy, but if emotional involvement is off the table, you have to steel yourself to that.

And now I’ll unravel all of that to say this: avoid avoiding emotional intimacy.

What a rare gift it is when you feel that connection. Stifling that is a real disservice to life, the universe, and everything. You may well suffocate a flame that could burn and illuminate a heretofore unknown corner of your heart.

I am not a wheel re-inventer. SO, when someone else has taken the time and energy to thoughtfully and thoroughly answer a question I’m often asked, I’ll pass the motherfucking buck!

My buddy@SaschaK posted a great blog entry on her home on the range, How my other half lives that I think everyone should read. Even us what been ’round da block a few times could do well to revisit the shit that seems obvious. Everything old is new again with the new faces that come on through.

Thanks to Sascha for letting me re-post this great piece

Entering the Scene (A Lonely Pervert Guide)

Q: What tips do you think all submissives need to hear, in your experience?

from formspring.me … courtesy of Nadia West

Take. Your. Time.
BDSM isn’t going anywhere. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and waiting is just fine. Plunging in headfirst is awesome, until it isn’t. Think of it this way: sure, the first dominant who wants to tie you up and beat you might be awesome. But the 9th dominant you meet might be a better match, and if the first one puts you off your path, or is a jerk, and you say “Wow, I wish I’d waited until I had more time to vet people!” you can’t undo that shit.

Trust Your Gut.
Being kinky shouldn’t reset a lifetime of experiences. If something doesn’t feel right, and you hear “OH, but that’s just how it is done!” then fuck how it is done. You are here to get your needs met, not to walk blindly into something just because someone else says it is so.

Make friends.
Make friends with other submissives. Make friends with switches. Make friend with tops and doms. And I mean platonic friends. People who aren’t out to get in your pants. Folks you can trust for feedback, who are connected in the community, who don’t have ulterior motives for telling you things that might not be in your best interest.

Read everything with a grain of salt.
I don’t care who the fuck said it or wrote it. (more…)

From Formspring…

Q: When a relationship ends, what is the best approach for moving on and regaining self, things that you lost while in that relationship?

A: This is so mutable.

(Which is OK. Gemini’s a mutable sign. I’m good)

The circumstances of the relationship have EVERYTHING to do with the breakup.

• How long was the relationship?
• How amicable was the breakup?
• How was the breakup itself handled?
• How respectfully are you treating one another in the aftermath?
• Were children or other significant others involved?

Etc etc  etc.

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Wondering, poly-minded people, from your experience, how you handle this situation!

Poly person #1 asks you to hook up / get down. You’re cool with it, and it just so happens you know  / are friends with / are otherwise cool with their partner, PolyPerson #2.  How do you approach this negotiation? DO you talk to both individually? Sit everyone down? Ask Poly Peron #1 to clear it and then take their word that it is all cool with PolyPerson#2?

And what it there is some gut twitch? Do you back off if PolyPerson#2 seems O but you just have that…feeling?

How do you approach this diplomatically without alienating, stepping on toes OR missing out n a necessary interaction / negotiation?

What is YOUR preference?

I had to fix it. Gray's version was all fucked up....

Yay! Gray’s put up the  Second part o’ the podcast he, CunningMinx and moi did a few weeks back.

The first part is here.

I hear it is interesting. In case you don’t know, GrayDancer is one of them there RopeDuds and has the Ropecast. And the Lovely and Talented CunningMinx is the proprietress of Polyamory Weekly, which is pretty damned awesome.

Take a listen!

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Putting up a kink-related Q&A from Formspring.me. Wanna see your question posted on my blog? Ask me now! I respond to all of ‘em and questions that nudge me or seem to resonate for folks will make it here

Do you have any advice for people who are new to public scenes/BDSM in general?

Oh gosh. How about a lucky seven things off of the top of my head…? (more…)

"Are you threatning me?!?!?"

In a chat on Twitter, Mark S and I were bantering about things that tops sometimes use as threats in order to incite fear into the hearts (and genitals) of those (un)lucky enough to find themselves at their (lack of) mercy. I thought about my own reaction to threats, and why they don’t usually work for me, in a scene…here is a brief musing on that… (more…)

A woman I greatly admire and who I recognized as being one of those soul-family people when we first met recently wrote a blog post on FetLife. It kind of is the zenith to my recent post’s nadir-gazing miasma, and I’ve obtained her permission to repost it here.

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When googling images for "slave" this is the #1 hit. Yep.

You might not have known me back when I first started talking publicly about my experiences as a Black woman, into BDSM, as a submissive /slave identified person, who did scenes that incorporated and underscored racial issues in play.

If you did, you remember the flamewars, fights, humiliating rejection, condemnation and various hootenannies that fell out thereafter.  I never thought, lo these many years later, not only would these issues still be discussed but actually have tracked my progress and growth as a member of the Leather Community, teacher, speaker, writer and educator. Even more now than ever.

And so it goes.

I’m thicker-skinned these days, praise Ganesha.

I often receive messages from people asking me rather broad-stroke vague questions about this VERY challenging topic.

I got a very thoughtful and provocative email from someone who asked me a lot of really good questions.

I’m going to reprint the message below, while I think about how to respond.

Feel free to post your own thoughts. But keep it respectful or I’ll pinch you. Super hard.

Here are some posts to help you catch up on some of my thoughts on the issue…

Race Play Interview – Part I

Race Play Interview – Part II

Race Play Interview – Part III

Race Play Interview Part IV

And that link over there on the right is to the new Best Sex Writing book, due out very soon. I have an essay on this very topic in there, too. Just in case I missed SOMEONE having access to my insanity.

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